Fisher's Light(67)

“How do I know Fisher will be that man?” I ask. “He was for the longest time and I never thought anything would tear us apart. He said such awful things to me before he left the island. I can’t just forget about them or pretend like none of it happened.”

“Of course you can’t pretend like they never happened, Lucy. They broke your heart and they changed you. I don’t think he expects you to forget and instantly forgive him. He knows he has a lot of work to do to earn back your trust and he knows he has a lot of explaining to do. All I’m asking is that you give him a chance to explain. Give him a chance to show you that he never meant to hurt you.”

It sounds so easy when she says it. Hand him my heart once again and trust him to take care of it. But it’s not easy. It scares the shit out of me. I might be able to forgive what he said to me when he wasn’t in his right frame of mind, but he’s still the one who decided to end things permanently with divorce papers. He’s still the one who had his hands all over Melanie and did God knows what with her while he was still wearing my ring on his finger. How am I supposed to forgive those things?

“He was a broken man, Lucy, and I know he broke you right along with himself. War doesn’t just change the Marine, it changes everyone who loves him. I didn’t think I could ever forgive him for hurting my baby, but seeing him yesterday and listening to him talk about you and what you mean to him… Just give him a chance.”

The guilt is back in full force and I have to let go of my mother’s hand, set down my glass and wrap my arms around myself to hold it together. I don’t know what was going on in his mind last year when I came home and found him packing my things and he said such hurtful words to me, but I know it was bad. He’d been slowly closing himself off from me for weeks and I’ve always felt like a failure for not doing more for him. I tried so hard, but it wasn’t enough. I would have given everything to stay and help him, but how could I when he didn’t want that? I want him to be honest with me, to tell me what happened that day and help me understand why he felt like divorce was the answer to all of his problems.

I feel like a hypocrite for wanting Fisher to bare his soul when I’ve done nothing but alternately avoid him like the plague and seek him out only to behave like a shrew. I’m not sure if I’m prepared to forgive him for what he did to me, but I know he doesn’t deserve my anger right now. We never had a problem talking until the end of our relationship. Having lunch with him at the Lobster Bucket a few weeks ago and falling right back into our old ways made me miss the ease of being with him. I’ve tried so hard to forget him, to move on and be happy, but as soon as he reappeared in my life, I realized letting go was impossible when I still love him. I’ve tried to avoid it, I’ve tried to pretend like I was just confused being close to him again, but I can’t do that anymore.

I love him and I’m scared to death that he’ll break my heart all over again.





Chapter 27




From Fisher’s Journal

January 23, 2006


My parent’s 24,000 square foot home is filled to the brim with guests and caterers and I stare out of my old bedroom window watching more and more cars come up the drive to be parked by the valets my mother hired.

I tug nervously on the pale blue tie of my black tuxedo, trying to loosen it so I don’t feel like I’m suffocating. My palms are already sweating and my hands are shaking, so I really don’t want to add passing out to the mix. I wish I could say that it was just wedding day jitters making me feel this way, but that would be a lie. The only thing keeping me from jumping out of this second-story window is the knowledge that I’m marrying Lucy today. The problem I’m having is with all the people. So many f*cking people. Since I got back from my deployment, I’ve avoided large groups of people, preferring to be alone working on my furniture or curled up somewhere in the house with Lucy. I can’t handle all the noise, all the chatter and all the questions that come along with being around so many people.

“Oh, honey, your tie…”

I continue staring blankly out the window as my mother rushes across the room to me, fiddling with my tie and making it tighter than it was before. She runs her palms down the front of my tie to smooth it down when she’s finished and then takes a step back to look at me.

“Perfect! You look so handsome, Fisher!” she moves back and buttons the coat of my tux, brushing the shoulders and the sleeves of the jacket to get rid of any lint or stray hairs while she prattles about shit I don’t care about. “The guests have almost all arrived and the caterers are passing out hors d’oeuvres and champagne while they wait to be seated. Wait until you see the flower arrangements I ordered for the reception. I had blue hydrangeas and orchids flown in to match the wedding colors…”