Fisher's Light(72)

“You haven’t had a drink since you got back home, right?” Seth asks.

I shake my head. “No, and the crazy thing is, I’m not even tempted to have one, even with all this shit going on in my head. It feels good to be clear and focused, but even without the alcohol, I still have moments where I get fuzzy and I have to really concentrate on calming down.”

“Of course you do, son. It’s called PTSD, and it’s probably going to be with you for the rest of your life. Forty-plus years later and sometimes I still wake up in a cold sweat and it takes me a minute to realize I’m not neck deep in a swamp of rice paddies, soaked to the bone, waiting to get my head blown off,” Seth explains. “You can’t keep that shit inside or it will eat you alive, as you very well know. You spent years keeping your nightmares and your problems to yourself and look what it did to your marriage. Talk to your woman, Fisher. If you want her to trust you again, you need to give her that same level of trust. You need to have faith that she’s strong enough to take whatever you give her.”

Seth and I spend some time wandering the grounds of the rehab facility and I talk to a few of the guys who came in right before I left. I see so much of myself in them, and for the first time in a long time, I feel proud about how far I’ve come since I checked in here. Seth is right; I can’t expect Lucy to ever trust me or believe in me if I don’t do the same with her. She needs to understand what was going through my mind while I was slowly unraveling over a year ago. Sure, the journal pages of happier times that I’ve been sending her are a great way to remind her how good we were together, but I can’t expect her to give us a chance at a new future if I don’t talk about the bad times, as well.

As much as I want to keep my anger and my jealousy as far away from Lucy as possible, I have to accept that they’re a part of me. They live and breathe inside of me and I can’t just ignore them and expect them to go away. I know I will never hurt Lucy like I did the day I made her leave our home, but what guarantee do I have that I won’t hurt her even worse with my words and actions when those feelings take hold of me like they did that day in the alley? I want to believe that Seth is right, that Lucy would’ve found a way to make me stop if she truly didn’t want it, but it’s hard for me to see her as anything other than the sweet, shy, beautiful girl I married, no matter how much has changed since then. It’s hard for me to fathom that she would want me to touch her with anything but gentleness and soft hands, but I also can’t erase the sounds of her moans of pleasure from my ears, telling me that she loved what I was doing to her.

With a promise from Seth that he’ll bring Mary Beth out to the island soon, I head outside and take a cab to the ferry that will take me back to the island.

I know Lucy will be busy with all of the Fourth of July events coming up, but maybe I can convince her to give me a little of her time. It’s way past time for me to come clean with her.

About everything.





Chapter 29




Lucy

Present Day


“You are NOT playing in that softball game today!”

“You can’t tell me what to do, *. GO AWAY!”

I glance up from my paperwork when I hear shouting coming from the porch to watch as Ellie flies through the front door with Bobby charging in right behind her.

“I most certainly CAN tell you what to do, and you’re damn well going to listen!” Bobby argues.

I’ve never seen Bobby so fired up before and it gives me pause. Where Bobby isn’t what I would call hot, like Fisher, he’s boyish and cute with his curly head of brown hair, twinkling blue eyes and easy smile. He stands even with Ellie’s five-foot-ten frame and he’s lucky she’s not wearing heals right now or she’d be towering over him and most likely pummeling him to the ground going by the furious look on her face.

“You are not the f*cking boss of me! I knew it was a bad idea to tell you!” Ellie yells, stomping right past me, not even glancing in my direction.

Bobby races behind her and I toss down my pen and follow him, wondering what in the hell is going on. Thank God all of the guests are already down on Main Street waiting for the parade to begin and aren’t getting front row seats to this shouting match.

Bobby finally catches up with Ellie in the kitchen, wrapping his arms around her from behind when she tries to leave through the sliding glass doors.

“Will you stop trying to run away from me?!” he argues, lifting her up and moving her away from the door.