Fighting the Flames (Firefighter Romance #1)(36)

He wondered where she was and why she wasn’t in bed with him. At least he knew she hadn’t run away again. It was her house they were in. The smell of bacon wafted into the room. She was cooking. His stomach growled as he got out of bed and pulled on his jeans and shirt. He went into the kitchen, wrapped his arms around her from behind and kissed her neck. “Good morning.”

She leaned back against him and turned her head to capture his lips in a soft kiss. “Morning. You hungry?”

“Starved. Someone gave me one hell of a workout last night.”

Jess laughed and swatted at him. “Breakfast will be ready soon.”

Ryan went to the table and sat, his gaze glued to Jess, who was wearing a long t-shirt, a pair of panties, and nothing else. It was so hot. He could easily bend her over the table, slip her panties to the side, and have a morning quickie. The thought was tempting, but he pushed it out of his mind and distracted himself by picking up the newspaper lying on the table. It was open to the rental section. Several ads for apartments were circled. His face paled and his blood ran cold. He turned to Jess who still stood at the stove cooking eggs and frying bacon. “What is this? Are you moving?”

She froze with the spatula poised over the pan. “Uh,” she cleared her throat and shrugged, “I don’t know. I’m considering it.”

He slapped the paper down on the table and stood. His anger was instant and fierce. He clenched his hands into fists by his sides and gritted his teeth, inhaling and exhaling through his nose. “Were you going to bother saying goodbye this time?”


“That’s not fair,” she said quietly.

Ryan flexed his fingers, ran a shaky hand through his hair and sighed. He had to get his anger in check before he said or did something he’d regret. He couldn’t believe this was happening. “What’s wrong with living here?” he asked after a moment.

“Nothing.” She kept her back to him, refusing to meet his gaze.

“Is there something wrong with the house? Because if there is, I know Jim will—”

“The house is fine,” she said, shutting off the stove and finally turning to look at him. “It’s not the house.”

“Then what is it?” He studied her for several moments. Dread crawled up his spine and erupted in his veins. That look on her face, he’d seen it before. It was the same look she’d given him the last night they’d spent together at the beach, the night he asked her to move in with him, the night she agreed and then disappeared. It was a look ripe with fear, uncertainty, and sadness.

“It’s you,” she whispered.

“Me.” It wasn’t a question.

“Yes. I can’t live next door to you, Ryan.” She looked away from him, her head lowered as if she were studying the floor. “I can’t be near you without wanting to be with you. It’s clear I don’t have the willpower.”

Ryan closed the gap between them and stood in front of her. He put his finger under her chin, tilting her head up to look at him. Tears glistened in her eyes. “So be with me then.” It was so simple. Why couldn’t she see it? His heart raced as he waited what felt like an eternity for her response.

“I can’t.”

“Why the hell not?” He took a calming breath. Yelling at her wasn’t going to help. If nothing else, he’d learned that lesson with Vikki. “Being with you is all I’ve ever wanted. From the moment I laid eyes on you, I knew I had to be with you.” Tears spilled from her eyes. He wiped them away. “We’re good together, Jess. You can’t deny that.”

“It’s not that easy, Ryan.”

“What are you so afraid of?” He felt the panic rising in his voice and he tried to stifle it, to shove it back down deep in his gut where it belonged, but it was useless. He was losing her again. It was written all over her face. She remained silent. Ryan took a step away from her, throwing his hands in the air in frustration. “I can’t do this anymore.” He shook his head, grabbed his jacket from the back of the chair and headed toward the door.

“Ryan!” she sobbed. He stopped and slowly turned around. She stood in the doorway between the kitchen and the living room, her face streaked with tears, her lips trembling. I’m afraid of losing myself if I’m with you. Her brain said the words but she couldn’t force them out of her mouth.

“What?”

“Do you know why I left you that night?”

“No, Jess, I don’t know.” He knew what she’d told him a few days ago, but it wasn’t really an explanation. He reached into his back pocket, pulled out his wallet, and took out a worn piece of paper. “This is what I know.” He unfolded the paper and began to read. “My dearest Ryan, you are the most amazing man I’ve ever met, and these past two and a half months have been the best of my life, which is why this is so hard. Then again, saying goodbye is never easy.”

He paused for a moment to collect his emotions. Reading this letter brought back all the painful memories of that morning, of waking to an empty bed and a note. He took a deep breath and continued. “I don’t expect you to understand, but please trust me when I say that I have reasons for doing this. I’m not the woman you think I am, and I can never be the woman you deserve. That doesn’t change how I feel though. I wish I had told you this before: I love you, Ryan.”