FADING (A novel)(75)

My sobs begin to weaken, and fatigue overcomes me. I release my hold on Jase and fall back into the seat, thoroughly drained and exhausted.

“Let me take you back to my place, okay?”

My eyes sting from the mixture of tears and makeup, so I keep them closed and nod my head.

?????

Walking into Jase’s apartment, I head straight to his bedroom and lay my head on his pillow. My head is pounding, and my body is weak. Jase lies down next to me and holds me.

“What can I do?” he asks hopelessly.

“Just make it go away,” I mumbled. If only he could, I just might have a fighting chance to be myself again. Instead I lie here, as I have so many times before: pathetic, weak, and broken.

Letting out a sigh of defeat, he tells me, “I wish I could. I would. I would do anything to take this away from you.”

I know that he would too, but hearing the pain in his voice brings on another slew of tears.

We both jump when there is a loud pounding on his door. I sit up when Jase gets out of bed.

“Stay here,” he says as he shuts the bedroom door behind him.

I soon hear Ryan’s loud voice demanding to know where I am and Jase yelling at him to give me space, when the door suddenly opens.

Still crying, I look up at Ryan, and he gently closes the door behind him and rushes over to the side of the bed where I am sitting. Kneeling between my legs, he holds firmly onto my knees. I hate seeing the pain and confusion in his eyes. I continue crying and repeating, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Ryan. I’m . . .”

Grabbing me behind my back, he slides me off the edge of the bed and onto the floor with him. “What happened, babe?”

Hiding my face in my hands as I cry, I keep apologizing. He pulls me tight against him, and I wonder what I could possibly say to excuse this breakdown. He’s going to want to know, and I don’t know what to do.

He takes my wrists and pulls my hands away from my face, “I need you to talk to me.”

Looking down at my lap, I say the first thing that comes to my mind, “I just . . . I got myself too worked up and had a panic attack. I know you wanted me there tonight, but I couldn’t.”

“Why couldn’t you just tell me?”

“I was embarrassed. This has happened a few times in the past, but only Jase knows that I have these.”

He wraps me up in his arms, and I feel horrible. I didn’t lie, but I still feel guilty.

When I’m calmed down, he backs away and looks me in the eyes when he says, “You could’ve come to me. Jase isn’t the only one you have, you know?”

The hurt in his eyes is too much, and I have to look away, but he lowers his head to catch my dropping eyes. “I need you to trust me enough to talk to me.” Nodding my head he continues, “I understand you and Jase, but I know how I feel about you.” He takes a moment before softly saying, “I want you to need me more than him.”

Feeling the need to defend myself, I say, “He’s all I’ve ever had.”

Taking my hand in his, he places it against his chest when he tells me, “You have me now too.”

I feel myself falling for him even more when I hear the sincerity in his words. Fisting his shirt in my hand, I wrap my free arm around his neck and hug him.

“Let’s go home,” he says into my ear, and I know that when he says home, he means his place, and I like that.





Chapter Twenty-Five


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School started back up this past week and so far, it seems that apart from my dance studios, classes should be fairly easy. Leaving my Technique Instruction lecture, I text Ryan to let him know I’m coming over a little earlier than planned since all we did was go over the syllabus.

The other day I was looking at the matted photos that I had seen back in November and when I asked to see more, he offered to show them to me this afternoon. I have been fixated on the photo I originally saw of the curve of a woman’s back. I’ve been trying to not let my curiosity get the best of me, but I can’t help but wonder who the women are in his photos.

When I arrive, the door is unlocked, so I let myself in. I don’t see Ryan when I enter, so I call out, “Ryan?”

“Back in my office,” he yells.

Walking down the hall to his home office, the door is cracked. I lightly knock before I enter.

“Hey, babe,” he says as he leans back in his leather chair from behind his desk. “Come here.”

I walk around his large desk as he scoots his chair back. He stretches his arms out and envelops me as I sit on his lap.

“How were your classes today?” he asks as he brushes my hair off my shoulder.

“Uneventful, but it’s only the first week. Nothing but going over the syllabus for the most part.”

“I’m glad you’re here. I’ve missed you,” he says as he brings my head down so that he can kiss me.

I’ve been working more while Roxy rearranges the calendar to accommodate everyone’s new class schedules. When I’m not working, I have been in the studio adding choreography and rehearsing my solo. Auditions for our final production are next month, so there hasn’t been much time for Ryan and I to spend together.

“So, don’t be mad, but . . .” I start when Ryan interrupts, “Oh, God.”