FADING (A novel)(71)

“What?” I question, feeling a little too self-conscious of my belongings.

He walks right up to me and scoops me up in his arms. I love it when he holds me like this, I think he gets a kick out of how light I am and picks me up often. I wrap my arms around his neck and giggle as I look down at him.

“You’ve got a lot of ballet shit in here,” he says, and I can’t help but laugh at him.

“Yeah, I do.”

Leaning my head down, we spend the next few minutes kissing each other. He is always so patient with his kisses, never rushing. It’s perfect. He walks over to my bed and lays us down. He doesn’t push to go any further than kissing, and I thank God for that because I don’t think I am capable of doing anything else. He just holds me.

“What time do you have to be at work?” he asks.

“At seven. I have to close, so I won’t be home till midnight.”

“Come to my place tonight.”

“I don’t . . . I,” I stumble over my words, not really knowing what to say, but stop trying when I hear Ryan chuckle at me.

“Why are you nervous? You’ve slept with me for the past two nights.”

“Stop laughing at me,” I say as I nudge him in the ribs. “And that was just a little different.”

“Why?”

“Because your mother was there.”

He starts laughing again, and I know he’s not doing it to be rude, but I’m scared. This makes me nervous, and I don’t know how to explain it to him. I’m sure most girls wouldn’t have an issue with this. Most would be doing more than kissing like a couple of kids, but I don’t know what I’m doing, and this scares the shit out of me.

When he realizes that I’m no longer talking, he shifts over me, and in a more serious tone asks, “What’s going on?”

I shake my head, because what could I possibly say to a twenty-eight-year-old man that isn’t going to sound completely pathetic.

“Talk to me.”

“I don’t know what to say,” I tell him honestly.

“Say what you’re thinking, babe.”

“I told you that I don’t do this well. I just . . . I don’t.” Taking a deep breath I close my eyes and continue, “I don’t do this, I’m . . .” Shit. Why can’t I get my words out without sounding like an idiot?

“Open your eyes. Don’t hide from me.” When I look at him, he brushes his hand through my hair and says, “We’ll move as slow as you want. But, I want you in my bed tonight. I want you next to me.”

“Okay,” I whisper.

“I want you to talk to me though. I need you to tell me what is going on in your head. I’ll never judge you.”

God, why does he have to say these things to me? His words pierce through me and melt me, but they also intimidate me. How can I be open with him when I have never opened up to anyone besides Jase?

He brings me out of my thoughts when he says, “I’ll never hurt you. I just need you to trust me.”

I nod my head at his words, but how can I trust him like that when I don’t trust anyone?

“Come on,” he says as he stands up and pulls me off the bed. “I have to run and take care of things at work. You’ll come over tonight.” He doesn’t ask, he just tells me. Not allowing a response, he leans down and kisses me before leaving.

?????

After I unpack, I call Jase. I need to talk to someone about everything, and when he answers the phone, I break at the sound of his voice. My emotions are all over the place, but Jase is my rock, and I really need him right now.

“What’s wrong?”

“I don’t really know where to begin. I wish you were here. I just really need you right now.” My voice trembles as I try hard not to cry.

“Sweetie, you’re scaring me”

“I think I may be getting in way over my head with Ryan.”

“What are you talking about? What’s going on with Ryan?”

Not sure where to begin, I just start rambling uncontrollably, and I’m sure I’m not making any sense. “He kissed me, and I kissed him back. We’ve been sleeping next to each other. He told me he wants to be with me, and I foolishly agreed. Now we’re back home, and he wants me to spend the night at his place. And I just have no clue what the hell I’m doing. And you’re not here. And I’m freaking out. And . . .”

“Whoa, you have to slow down,” he cuts me off. “Go back. He kissed you?”

“Uh huh.”

“What happened?”

“It was late Christmas night. We were lying down, and it just sort of happened. I don’t know. We just kissed, then we fell asleep together.”

“Well, how did you feel when you woke up?”

“Really confused. I mean, I know we’ve been hanging out a lot, but I feel like I don’t know a whole lot about him. And then everything Mark told me about all the girls started freaking me out.”

“But he told you he wants to be with you?”

“Yeah, we went to the beach, he just came out and told me, and then I agreed with him. We ended up sleeping together again. And then his mother was insinuating that he’s talked to her about me in the past, and that kinda intimidates me.”