FADING (A novel)(73)

After drying my hair, taking my sleeping pill, and brushing my teeth, I walk back in the room at the same time Ryan is coming back upstairs holding two bottles of water.

“Here,” he says as he hands me one of the bottles.

“Thanks.”

Ryan wears a pair of pajama bottoms with no shirt, and when he crosses the room, I notice another tattoo that looks like scripted words that is inked on the side of his ribs. He walks over to the large king-sized bed and starts pulling back the covers. I hop up on the bed and slip under the sheets. Ryan sits next to me, leaning his back against the dark leather headboard. When he lifts his arm to wrap around me, I can finally make out the words of his tattoo: pain is a reminder

you’re still alive

Laying my hand over it, I ask, “What’s this for?”

He looks down at my hand and says, “A reminder.” He takes my hand off the tattoo and holds it against his chest.

I then notice a jagged scar under the tattoo. I want to ask, but I don’t. When Ryan sees what I’m looking at he says, “Like I said, my dad was an *.” I shift my eyes to his when he begins talking again. “He was a drunk and liked to take his anger out on me and my mom. I took more of it than she did. The drunker he was, the worse it would get. He was like that for as far back as I can remember. It was all I knew. Then one night, I beat the shit out of him when he was wasted, and when he got in his car and left, he never came back. His car was found wrapped around a tree, and that was it. He was dead.”

I’m sure my eyes are filled with horror as I listen to him speak because he pulls me tight and comforts me instead of me trying to comfort him. I am speechless; I can only tighten my grip around him to let him know how I feel. How could I have droned on about how shitty my parents are? I’ve had it pretty good compared to what he had to grow up with. And Donna, God, I had no idea. She is such a wonderful person. My heart hurts for what they must have gone through.

“You’re the only one who knows that, outside of my mom and me,” he tells me. He is only giving me more reasons to trust him.

“I feel really stupid. I’m so sorry about complaining about my parents.”

“Candace, you’re far from stupid. Your parents treated you like shit. They filled you full of misconceptions of yourself and f*cked with your head. Anyone would be devastated. Don’t dismiss your pain because you don’t think it’s worthy. It is.”

Raking my fingers through the hair on the back of his head, I pull him down to kiss me. He slides down in the bed and hovers his body over me. He drags his lips from my mouth, across my cheek, and down my neck, taking little sucks along the way. I hold him close to me when he starts trailing kissing across my collarbone. Taking his face in my hands, I guide him back up to my lips. I begin to slip away to a place where nothing exists but us. His soft lips caress mine as we move at our slow pace. Taking one of my hands in his, he laces his fingers with mine and presses my hand into the mattress as I feel myself falling for him even more.

?????

When Jase got back in town, we spent some much needed alone time together. Ryan has been busy this past week with work, and we haven’t had much time to hang out during the days. In the mornings, we have been running together. Aside from that, I’ve been in the studio almost every day and picking up extra shifts at work.

Somehow I let Jase and Ryan talk me into going to Ryan’s bar to hear Mark’s band play tomorrow night. Still nervous about the possibility of seeing Jack out one of these days, the fact that I’ll be there with Jase and Ryan was comforting enough for me to say yes.

Ryan is working late tonight, so Jase and I are spending the evening together at his place. After grabbing some tea and coffee at Peet’s on the ground floor of Jase’s apartment building, we head upstairs for the night.

Making ourselves comfortable on his couch, we talk for quite a while about Mark and Ryan. This is the first time that both of us have had boyfriends we can talk about, and I’m enjoying our newfound pastime for gossiping. But, the conversation takes a more serious tone when Jase asks, “Can you hear me out on something?”

“Sure. What’s up?”

“I know I’ve brought this up before, but I want to bring it up again because you seem to be in a better place now.”

“What are you getting at?”

“Have you thought about calling the detective from that night?”

“What? Why would I do that?”

“Because Candace, you know who did this, and the hospital has the evidence.”

“I don’t want to talk about this.”

“What if he does this to someone else?”

“Drop it, Jase.”

“Candace, think about it. If he could do what he did to you . . .”

“I’m serious, Jase. Drop it.” My hands are shaking, and I cannot believe he even went there. Getting off the couch, I storm off to the bathroom and slam the door behind me. I have been trying so damn hard to not think about that night, and now when I close my eyes, I’m right back there. How could he do this to me? I turn on the faucet and splash cold water on my face, but the anger keeps coursing through me. Looking at myself in the mirror, I realize I’m crying, and when I see the tears, I get more pissed.

The door swings open, and Jase is standing there with guilt all over his face.

“What’s wrong with you?!” I scream at him.