FADING (A novel)(26)

“You feeling better?” Roxy asks.

Nervously, I lift my head and answer, “Yeah, thanks,” hoping she can’t see what I am hiding under my makeup.

“That’s good. I missed having you up here.” She walks over to sit beside me and continues, “So, I never did hear what happened with Jack.”

My body turns cold when she says his name, and I blurt out, “What do you mean?”

“The party? You telling him you weren’t interested?” she questions. “How did it go?”

“Oh, um . . . yeah, it was fine,” I say, stumbling over my words and hoping that will be enough to satisfy her, but I know that it won’t. I really want to be left alone right now. Maybe being normal isn’t what I want because all I want to do right now is run back to the bubble I just came out of. It’s safe there. No questions.

Roxy chuckles and says, “That’s all I get? Girl, you were freaking out. Seriously, what happened?”

I suddenly feel my ears heat, and before I can stop myself, I snap at her, “Nothing, I already told you. Can we drop it?”

I immediately feel bad, but I can’t do this. I stand up and walk straight back to the bathroom to try and compose myself. I lock the door behind me, and the tears are back. I quickly wipe them away and rest my hands on the sink. Staring at my reflection in the mirror, I start thinking about what excuses I could use to get out of here. How am I supposed to do this? I spend a few minutes settling my nerves before returning.

“I’m sorry,” I whisper as I sit back down next to Roxy.

She slides me a coffee and says, “Here. It’s okay. I won’t mention it again.”

“Thanks.”

After about an hour, the place starts to pick up, and I enjoy the much needed distraction. It’s been a little tense and uncomfortable as Roxy and I struggle for conversation. But now the place is full, and there is a line of customers. Roxy is working the register while I move about quickly, making various versions of lattes and espressos.

When the line dies down, I finally get a chance to lift my head and realize that it’s dark outside.

“What time is it, Rox?” I ask while I begin wiping down the counters.

“A little after ten,” she says over her shoulder as she is replacing the receipt tape in the register. When she finishes, she walks over and starts helping me wipe down the machines. We are both silent as we clean up and prepare to close.

When eleven o’clock rolls around, we shut everything down and lock up. Before I can head toward my car, Roxy pulls me in for an unexpected hug. The gesture makes my eyes prick with tears, but I quickly blink them away. When she pulls back, I can see concern in her eyes, and I know that she knows something is going on. How could she not? I have been acting weird all night.

“Have a good night, okay?”

“Thanks, you too,” I say, trying to avoid eye contact.

We both walk to our cars, and in an attempt to make this less weird, I look over my shoulder, and in a fake perky voice, I say, “See you Tuesday!”

“Yeah, see ya.”

When I walk into the apartment, Jase and Mark are in the kitchen cooking dinner. They have music playing loudly, so they don’t hear me when I enter. I stand there and watch them move around the kitchen, flirting with each other. Jase approaches Mark while he’s standing over the stove and wraps his arms around his waist, kissing him on the neck. A part of me feels a little sad—envious. Maybe I’m just not meant to ever have that. When Mark turns around to look at Jase, he sees me.

“Hey!” he says excitedly. “We’re making Italian tonight. You hungry?”

“Yeah, a little,” I say, walking toward the bedroom. Why am I suddenly feeling sad? I wish I could get a hold of my emotions. I should be happy for Jase and Mark, not pitying myself. God, I am so selfish.

Closing the door behind me, I toss my purse on the floor. Walking across the room, I sit on the edge of the bed and take a moment to myself to just be sad. I need to get it out now before going back out there. I am sure the boys are sick and tired of my depressing moods.

I hear the creak of the door opening while I’m sniffing and quickly wiping away my tears. I really don’t want to put a damper on the evening, so I paste on a smile before looking up to see Mark walking in the room.

“Hey, what’s up?” I say in a fake cheerful tone, pretending that I wasn’t just crying.

He closes the door and starts walking over to me. “What’s wrong?”

I watch him as he moves across the room and sits down beside me. He places his hand on my knee and gives a light squeeze. “Nothing, just a weird day at work. That’s all.”

With a friendly smirk, he teasingly says, “You lie.”

Not wanting to pretend, I just confess what’s got me in my mood. “You’re right,” I softly chuckle. “Honestly, I love you and Jase, so don’t take this the wrong way, okay?”

“Okay.”

“I see how happy the two of you are, and I can’t help but wonder . . . why not me? I know it’s selfish, but . . .”

I don’t finish, when Mark cuts me off and says, “You are not selfish.” Shifting on the bed, he turns his body to face me. He looks extremely serious as he stares into my eyes. “I know what you’re thinking, but stop. You will have that, I promise. Look, I can’t even imagine how much everything sucks for you right now, but this does not define you.”