Existence(52)

“I’m never going to be able to sleep,” I mumbled into the darkness. I got out of bed and walked over to the window to watch the moonlit waves crashing against the shoreline. The 156



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waves reminded me of the last night I’d spent with Dank.

He’d saved me from the waves intent on taking my life. I’d been ready for it to happen until his arm had wrapped around me. Pain pierced my heart and I had to sit back down on the bed and hold my stomach tightly in order to hold myself together. Another scream came from a few rooms away. A hot tear trickled down my face. I was alone for the first time in my life. I laid down with my knees pulled up to my chest and my arms wrapped tightly around them. My eyelids grew heavy and the muffled screams began to be drowned away.

As I drifted into my dreams the music began to play. I fought to wake back up. The familiar music was my lullaby.

The weariness from the day and my sense of loneliness seemed to disappear as the music played. The warmth of Dank’s voice filled my mind and I slept.





* * * *

“Already got a visitor and he’s yummy, yummy, lick your lips yummy,” Gee said, strutting into the library I was almost positive she never spent any time in. I glanced up from the worn leather copy of Pride and Prejudice I’d found among the shelves of books lining the walls. “I have a visitor?” It had to be Leif. “Thank you.” I stood up and followed Gee back down to the Great Room where all visitations had to take place. Leif’s frown evaporated when he saw me coming toward him. A smile eased the worried line in his forehead.

“Pagan,” he said walking up and pulling me into a fierce hug. I held onto him tightly, trying hard not to cry.

“I’m so glad you came,” I whispered, hoping the emotion in my voice wasn’t obvious.

“I miss you, Pagan, so bad,” he said into my hair and we stood there holding onto each other until someone cleared their throat and I reluctantly pulled back. Nurse Karen was 157



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frowning and she shook her head.

“Oh, come on Twitter whore this is more entertaining than the shit we have to watch on television.” Gee called from her chair.

“Twenty minutes, Gee,” Nurse Karen replied with boredom.

“I already lost all my f*cking time today, Nurse Karen.” She glared and pointed a finger toward Gee. “Twenty minutes tomorrow and you will lose all privileges for a week if you say one more bad word.”

Gee rolled her eyes and patted the seat beside her. “Come bring Mr. Yummy over here so I can look at him,” she said with a purr to her voice.

“Gee, go help Nurse Ashley with the lunch preparations.” Gee glared at Karen and stood up with a sulk. “I was gonna play nice, you know, Karen. You’re just no fun, no fun at all.” Gee licked her lips as she passed by Leif and winked at me. I squeezed Leif’s hand and led him over to the farthest end of the Great Room where no television or board games were set up. It was always empty.

Leif studied me with concern. “Are all the people here like her?” He appeared traumatized. I chuckled and started to shake my head and thought better of it.

“No, but then she isn’t the worst one here.” Leif still appeared horrified. I smiled.

“They’re very entertaining once you realize they’re harmless. I feel so bad for them, Leif.” I shook my head.

“Anyway, tell me about school and Miranda and you. How is everyone?”

Leif’s face eased into a relieved smile. “You seem better already.” He touched the side of my head gently. “God, I’ve missed you.”

“I miss you too. Thanks for coming today. I needed to talk to someone from the outside world. Tell me, how is everyone?”

He gave me a sad smile. “We’re worried about you. We 158



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miss you and we talk about you all the time. Absolutely nothing else is going on.” I wanted to tell him I thought about them all the time, too, but the truth was I thought about Dank. I’d heard him last night. He’d been there, in my dreams.

“Did you bring my schoolwork?” I asked, glancing at the bag in his hands.

“Oh, yes, here you go. Can you actually do it here?” He glanced over at the two girls who’d recently walked in and started playing Monopoly. Apparently, they were having a disagreement and had proceeded to shove play money down each other’s shirts while yelling. Nurse Karen rushed over and started breaking the argument up. I heard her tell them how much alone time they’d lost.

“Why does she keep threatening everyone with time? Is that like how long you get time out or something?” I laughed and shook my head. “No, it’s actually the opposite. We only get one hour a day to stay in our rooms alone. It’s a punishment to get your time deducted. Time alone in your room to escape is coveted.” Leif let out a ragged sigh and shook his head. “You don’t belong here, Pagan,” he said, staring back at me with a frown.

I shrugged. “Just because I don’t throw fits, curse at nurses, and deal with voices in my head doesn’t mean I’m not dealing with my own stuff.” He didn’t nod in agreement.

His hand squeezed mine.

“I love you. I’m not going anywhere,” he said in a hoarse whisper. Tears sprang to my eyes and I gave him a watery smile.