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Jess lifted her gaze up at me and frowned. “She went whack on them this morning about four. Started screaming and cursing and they had to sedate her. She’s getting worse and Doctor Janice won’t keep the ones that get so disturbed 168



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they become dangerous to themselves. She transfers them to the hospital where they can be kept on the looney floor under lock and key.” Jess shook her head and took a big gulp of chocolate milk. “I knew she’d be shipped off soon enough.

The Schizos always are.”

I felt a sick knot in my stomach. “Do you know what hospital she was sent to?”

Jess shrugged. “No, ‘cause I ain’t crazy enough to get shipped there.”

I stood up. “Well, okay. Um, it was really nice to get to know you, Jess.” Telling her I would see her later sounded strange because we both knew it wasn’t true. So I simply smiled and said, “Goodbye.” She nodded, stuffed her mouth with a piece of bacon, and gazed past me toward the windows overlooking the Gulf. I turned and headed toward the door. Nurse Karen walked toward me.

“I’ll need your mom to sign some release papers,” she said, following me toward the door.

I turned to her. “Gee was sent to the hospital?” I wanted to hear it from a nurse.

“I’m afraid so. She isn’t safe here. She needs a tighter leash than what we can offer in this setting.” I swallowed the sudden lump in my throat and walked beside her down the hall. My mom was waiting to greet me. She stood in the Great Room watching us as we approached. I peered over my shoulder at Nurse Karen before we were close enough for my mother to hear.

“What hospital is she at?” I wanted to see her.

Nurse Karen smiled at me. “Mercy Medical.” The hospital where I had signed on to volunteer. However, now that I had a record of mental issues they wouldn’t let me work at the hospital anymore. I was pretty sure I could still visit.

“Pagan, you look as if you have lost ten pounds,” Mom said as soon as I was close enough to hear her. She walked toward me and wrapped her arms around me, holding on 169



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tightly. “I’m so happy you’re coming home. We’ll put some weight back on you in no time.”

I smiled and enjoyed the comfort of her arms. “I’m sure the pizza and Chinese will be limitless,” I teased, and she laughed, pulling back from me.

“Never said I would cook the food that puts the weight back on you.” Her eyes were watery but I knew it wasn’t sad tears this time.



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Chapter Eighteen


I stood staring at the kitchen table covered with empty soda cans, two empty pizza boxes, and half of a chocolate cake which had read: “Welcome Home, Pagan,” in white icing on top. Leif, Miranda, and Wyatt had surprised me this evening. I’d opened the door four hours ago to find the three of them holding pizza, sodas, and a bakery box. Being with the three of them, eating food with real taste, and entertaining them with stories from my time at the mental house had made it really feel like I was home. Their smiling faces and familiar laughter had warmed me from the coldness always penetrating me. Leif had held me as we sat in the living room, catching up on everything I’d missed.

Kendra had fallen off the pyramid during cheerleading practice and had a cast on her right leg. Miranda appeared much too pleased about the girl’s predicament. College scouts had come to the playoff game to watch Leif and he now had scholarship offers from two different colleges.

Life had gone on without me. Knowing Leif would be okay when I was no longer a part of his life eased some of the guilt inside me. I couldn’t keep him. Not when I ached for Dank so badly. Even if I couldn’t find Dank, I knew he cared.

He would come back eventually. He had known I needed him and he’d come to me. Even if I couldn’t see him, I knew he was near. I glanced up the stairs knowing he wouldn’t come tonight. My room was a safe place for me now. If I could just see him and tell him I love him and I will go wherever I have to in order to be with him… But he wouldn’t allow me to even know or understand.

I threw the empty soda cans into the recycling bin at the back door and headed upstairs to go to bed. Today had been exhausting and I would be returning to school tomorrow.

The empty desk where Dank had once sat in English Literature flashed in my mind and the hole in my chest ached.



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* * * *

The music was playing. It took me a moment as I opened my eyes to realize Dank was playing my lullaby. I sat straight up in bed and looked to the chair to find it empty, yet the music was playing. It took me a moment to realize through my sleepy haze that the music wasn’t in my room or even in the house. The music drifted through the open window from outside. I jumped and ran to see where it was coming from. Was Dank out there? The back yard was dark and foggy. The music drifted up to me from somewhere in the night. I reached for my jacket, slipped on my shoes, and then headed downstairs and out the back door, closing it gently behind me so as not to wake my mom. If she caught me wandering around in the dark she may pack me back up and return me to the mental house.

The music sounded as if it was coming from the woods. I went over to the garden shed to find a flashlight. I knew mom kept one on the shelf over the potting table. Once I found it and checked to see if the batteries were good, I headed back into the dark yard.