Eleanor & Grey(21)

I felt his hands trembling slightly—or was it my hands that were shaky? It was becoming hard to tell what were his feelings and what were mine.

That was okay, though.

I liked the confusion.

“I know,” I agreed. “There’s always a moment…”

“When the timing is just—”

“Right.” I finished his sentence, knowing his thoughts the same way he knew mine.

“Ellie?”

“Yes, Grey?”

“Would it be cliché of me to ask if I can kiss you?”

“Yes.” I scooted closer, so close that his lips were millimeters from mine, so close that his exhales became my inhales, so close that my mind had already decided it was going to be the best first kiss of my life. “But do it anyway.”

And then he did.





9





Eleanor





“He’s so goofy!” I exclaimed as Mom and I went grocery shopping. I wandered in front of her as she pushed the cart. “He kept trying to win me the stuffed animal, and ended up with a black eye. Even with the black eye, he seemed proud, though.”

“That’s so sweet, honey.”

“It was sweet, in a really dorky way.” I walked toward the fresh fruit, moving on my tiptoes as I thought about Greyson. Every now and then I’d start humming. “We’re supposed to go out for Mexican food next week, and I’m really excited about it.” My hands moved across the oranges.

Did Greyson like oranges?

I’d have to ask him. I wanted to know everything about Greyson East. The good, the bad, and his opinions on fruit.

“Oh, and I forgot to tell you—”

Crash.

I whipped around quickly at the loud sound which snapped me from my current dreamy state.

“Mom!” I hollered, rushing over to her side. She was lying on the floor, and her eyes were crossing before they shut. I shook her body, but she wasn’t responding. “Mom, mom! Someone help!” I shouted.

She completely blacked out, and my heart shattered into a million pieces.

An ambulance was called to the scene, and I cried harder than I’d ever cried as I sat beside her and tried to wake her up.

When she came to, she was dazed and confused. She tried to speak, but she was too shaky. I just stared at her, wide-eyed and terrified. I watched as my tears splashed her cheekbones so prominent under her thin skin. I couldn’t stop. I couldn’t stop sobbing. I couldn’t stop shaking. I couldn’t let go of the hopelessness I felt.

We were rushed to the hospital, and Dad met us there.

He forced me to sit in the waiting room as he searched for answers.

I sat, I waited, and I cried.

I sat, I waited, and I cried some more.

Mom was released a few hours later and the whole ride home was completely still.

That was the day when it became real for me. That was the first time since finding out about her cancer that I was really afraid. For a while, I was na?ve enough to think that she was getting better than worse, then a wake-up call hit me in the fresh produce aisle.





The next morning, Mom walked into my room and gave me a small grin. She wore a Janet Jackson T-shirt with overalls, and her hair was wrapped in a bandana. For the most part, she looked like her regular self. You could hardly tell anything was wrong just by looking at her. From the looks of it, she didn’t seem like a woman who had just blacked out the day before. I thought that was the hardest part to wrap my mind around: how could she look okay but not be?

“Hey, beautiful,” she said.

“Hey, Mom.”

“So…yesterday was tough.”

“You should be in bed,” I told her. “You need rest.”

I sat up a bit. “Sorry about that. I—”

She shook her head. “It’s fine, really. I just want to make sure you’re okay. I’m sorry if I scared you.”

“You shouldn’t be worried about me.”

“I’m a mother, sweetheart. Worrying about my child is all I ever do.”

I lowered my head. “I’m scared, Mom.”

“I know.” She moved into the room and sat on the edge of the bed beside me. She wrapped an arm around me and I rested my head against her shoulder.

“I just need you to be okay, alright? Can you do that?”

She combed her fingers through my hair but didn’t reply.

Mom was never one to make promises she couldn’t keep.

“Your dad went out to clear his head and will probably be out for a while. You want to drive over to Laurie Lake?”

“Are you okay enough to travel?” I asked warily.

“I promise, Ellie. I’m okay.”

“Okay.”

We headed to the lake and walked out to our secluded area. It was hot that late morning. The high was supposed to be around ninety-five degrees, but it already felt like it was triple digits.

We sat under the sun, melting and drinking from the water bottles we’d brought. It was quiet for a while. I wondered if we were quiet because we didn’t have anything to say or because we didn’t know how to say it.

Mom tilted her head up to the sky with her eyes closed and felt the sun beating against her skin. “I was thirty-three the first time I found out I had cancer. You were two years old.”