Eleanor & Grey(26)

“Whatever you want,” I blurted out. Mom had worry in her eyes about hurting me, and I couldn’t let that be her fear. My biggest concern was her. “Whatever you want, Mom.”

Wherever she wanted to be, I wanted to be there, too.





“A cancer vacation?” Greyson asked as we sat on the top step of his porch.

“Yeah, that’s what my dad called it. It would be a family trip to Florida for a few months because Mom’s treatment is over.”

His eyes widened with hope. “Because it worked?”

I frowned.

He lowered his head. “I’m sorry, Ellie.”

“Yeah, me too. Her dream has always been to take a trip to the ocean, and well, it looks like now is the only time that will be possible.”

He was quiet for a while.

Then he said, “That’s good for her. She deserves that.”

“Yeah.”

I was quiet next.

“I’ll probably have to finish senior year down there.”

“Oh. Yeah.” He grimaced and rubbed his hands against his legs. “Is it selfish of me to ask about us?”

No, it wasn’t. I’d been wondering the same thing. Truth was, after everything with Mom, Greyson had been the next thing to cross my mind.

“We’ve never really talked about us since my mom got sick.”

“Yeah, but it just kind of felt like we were…I don’t know, just us, you know?”

I knew exactly what he meant. It was as if we didn’t need labels to describe whatever it was we had between the two of us.

We just were.

It was that simple.

“I’ve been thinking about asking you to be my girlfriend, you know,” he told me. “And I mean, just because you live in Florida for a while doesn’t mean you can’t still be that until you get back home.”

I wanted to be selfish about it. I wanted to ask him to wait for me, wanted to do the long-distance thing for a while, but I also knew that was wrong. Greyson had just begun his senior year. He was going to play his last high school basketball season. He was going to want to go to school dances and participate in different activities and go to his last ever prom, and I couldn’t be a part of any of that with him.

I didn’t want to get in the of any of it. I didn’t want to stop him from living his final year of high school to the fullest because he felt he couldn’t because of me.

“I really like you, Grey.”

He kept his head down. “But?”

“I…” I swallowed hard, somewhat shocked that I was actually going to say the words I’d been dreading so much. “I just don’t think it’s smart to try to be in a relationship right now. You have such a great year coming up, and I don’t want to stop you from living it to the fullest. You deserve to be happy.”

“You make me happy.”

I wanted to cry.

I wanted to crawl into his arms and just cry.

I wanted to be childish about it. I wanted to stay in Illinois with him so we could be us, whatever it was that we were. I wanted ridiculous laughter and kung fu movies and Harry Potter references and Greyson.

I wanted Greyson so bad.

But sometimes a kid is forced to grow up faster than they like.

“I’m not going to be okay, Greyson. The next few months of my life are going to suck, and I’m going to cry, and I’m not going to be the weird girl who reads books at parties. I’m just going to be sad.”

“You shouldn’t have to be sad alone.”

I wished he weren’t a good guy. It seemed much harder to walk away from a good guy.

“You deserve more than this,” I said.

“So, you’re breaking up with me before you even give us a chance,” he whispered, his voice tight. “Just say it and get it over with.”

I stared at him. His hands were clenched tightly together and he tapped his foot repeatedly on the step. The more I waited, the worse it was going to be for the both of us, so, I parted my lips and spoke so softly, hoping he actually heard me. “I can’t be your girlfriend, Grey.”

He stood up quickly and nodded. “Okay.”

“Greyson.” I leaped to my feet, feeling my heart pounding against my chest. “Wait—”

“No, it’s fine. Really, Ellie. It was stupid for me to think anything other than this. I hope the move goes okay.” And with that, he went into his house.

No real goodbyes.

No true closure.

Just a slamming door.

I wanted to die.

The whole walk home, I moved with regret, but I knew it had been the right choice to make. If it had been the wrong one, it wouldn’t have hurt so much.

I walked into the house, and Mom was lying on the couch. She sat up a little, and I hated how long it took her to get comfortable. I didn’t want her to get up because of me but she always got up.

“Hey, Ellie. How did the talk with Greyson go?”

I smiled. It was forced and fake, and she knew it. “It was fine. I’m just going to lie down for a bit.”

She narrowed her eyes and looked concerned, but I turned on my heels and darted to my bedroom. I shut my door behind me and collapsed onto my bed. My arms wrapped around my pillow, and I buried my face into it. I silenced my cries, because I didn’t want my parents to feel bad. They were already going through enough; the last thing they needed was to feel like I was broken because we were moving.