Drive(106)

“I chose him,” I said, staring at the black and white photo.

“Because he’s who you truly wanted or because you didn’t know what life with Reid would be like and you were too chicken shit to find out?”

I could never forget the way I felt when Reid sang for me. When he bared his soul in a room full of people without knowing I was watching. Had he always been that transparent with his feelings for me? Looking back, it was clear.

Yes, he had. And I had punished him.

They were both right.





Colorful

The Verve Pipe



Five Months Later



I walked through the double doors of the bakery with a few shopping bags in my hand. I had woken up early to get a jump on the heat. I had absolutely no patience for Texas’s scorching temperatures in the month of July, or any other month for that matter. My phone buzzed, and I smiled at the screen before I answered.

“Woman, that man called again,” Lexi said.

“What man?” I asked as I approached the counter.

“The one about the job,” she said carefully. “I almost told him you died.”

I laughed. “Don’t do that.”

“Don’t move out,” she pleaded.

“You’re never there,” I said loudly, as the lady at the counter with resting bitch face asked if she could help me. Stepping aside, I held my hand up as the door rang behind me.

“Lexi, we’ve been over this.” I sighed. “And you’re the one who told me to do me. This is me doing me.”

“Fine,” she sighed. “Your fancy master’s degree came in the mail this morning. I framed it in Hello Kitty.”

I laughed as she cooed over the phone. “I’m so proud of you.”

“I couldn’t have done it without you,” I said sincerely.

“Yeah, well, someone had to take the donut box away, turn off the sappy movies, and get you to school. What are you doing?”

I ducked under the weight of that question. “Nothing.”

“You are totally getting donuts, aren’t you?”

“Rough night.” The day before had been my twenty-fifth birthday, Reid’s thirtieth. I kept my ringer on all day in hopes of getting that phone call. I watched the home movie my parents made about twenty times and paced my apartment, dodging the invites of friends and my current boss, Adrian, who I worked for as a personal assistant. The hours were reasonable until I could find something else. Desperation struck at 11:11 last night, and all I wished for was that call from Reid. I let myself have a healthy cry when the clock struck midnight. He stopped waiting. And I didn’t blame him. But I knew without a shadow of a doubt that if he did call, I would answer.

What I would say was a different story. Nate hadn’t dialed my number, either, despite my few attempts to reach him. I hated the way we ended. I still loved him every day. I remained faithful to them both, though I had nothing to hold onto from either one. Part of me believed I was paying penance for my divided heart. But the truth was, I loved them both with all of it. And Lexi was right. I had to take a step away from Nate in order to see the truth. It didn’t make it any easier on me.

Lexi’s logic had saved me, even though it wasn’t entirely correct. I loved my life with Nate Butler, that much I knew. And it didn’t feel like I was giving up anything to be with him, because being with him became a new dream. The only thing I had to give up being with Nate was Reid.

I walked the streets those first few months apart, praying to run into him, as I had so many times before. With every defeated step without a trace of him, I felt his decision. And I had to respect it because, in all honesty, I was selfish. Love was selfish. But no matter how much of our story was unfinished, I was thankful for every minute I had with him.

Taking a look at my life and my choices was the hardest thing I had ever done. I owned my involvement with Reid. I apologized to my sister wholeheartedly a few months ago. She just shook her head as I stood at her door with tears in my eyes. She smiled, took my hand, and led me back into my rightful place in her life. She made apologies of her own, and for the first time since that night all those years ago, when I chose my selfish heart, I felt like I had her back.

I graduated with my master’s, but just barely. I didn’t play immune to my heartbreak, and it cost me. I let myself dig through a shoebox of emotions and came out on the other side, both enlightened and numb. My stroke had scared me into a position of living completely afraid of taking chances. Life wasn’t a gamble, but it seemed I needed to accept the “passionate” part of me in order to fully bloom. And bloom I did. I ate my way out of my wardrobe. I was twenty pounds heavier, and I felt it everywhere.

Miraculously a new me?

Not a chance.

That isn’t the way things worked for new Stella. I was a work in progress. I had a ways to go to get that Lexi glow. So, I let myself feel, and I did it afraid.

I let it hurt.

But I never let go. I couldn’t.

Lexi pulled me from my saliva-dripping stalking of a silk chocolate pie.

“Hey, I’m sorry I missed your birthday. Hurry home, okay? I want to make it up to you.”

“I hope you’re not making it up to me with cake. I have that covered,” I said sheepishly.

“Bitch, get those donuts. Your ass looks amazing,” she chuckled.