Drive(104)

I gasped as he pushed past me, leaving his clothes, our life, me. Emotions ruled me that moment as I begged him to forgive me, begged him to stay with me, begged for him without right, because I did let go of his hand, and he wasn’t the only man I loved.

I wouldn’t forgive me, either.

“Take your time, but take everything,” he said coldly. “I love you,” he whispered as more tears fell before he walked out on me.

He shut the door on us, and I slapped it with my palms and then hit the floor.




“Wow,” Lexi said with wide eyes as she surveyed the broken glass in my bedroom. “Who would have thought Nate had it in him.” Lexi had shown up minutes after Nate left. He’d called her because he was worried I would have another episode.

Nate.

There was no going back. He’d never looked at me like that. Everything about what happened between us looped in my head and out of my mouth as I told Lexi the story.

“This is some serious soap opera shit right here.” She pulled a joint from her purse pocket and lit it.

“This is what you say to me?” I glared at her. She had grown her hair long and was working harder than ever. In her sweater dress, she was practically glowing in her success. It was hard to get Lexi down those days. Such a different woman than the one who lived in the dark a year ago. I envied her. She walked around the glass in her knee-high boots and bounced over it, holding the weed out to me.

“I’m sorry, Stella,” she said, blowing smoke out and gesturing to me with the joint.

I shook my head. “You know I don’t smoke.”

“No, you stroke,” she said with a chuckle. “I’m going to make sure that doesn’t happen.”

“If you’re just going to laugh at me, you can get the hell out,” I ordered. She slowly sat down next to me against the headboard and pulled my head to rest in her arm.

“Take it, Stella. You know Nate will be back. He loves you more than anything.”

“No, Lexi, he won’t. This isn’t some argument over petty shit. You didn’t see him. He’s done. I felt it,” I said, pushing the endless tears away from my eyes. “God, I fucked up.”

She looked at me with solemn eyes. “What about Reid?”

“What about him?” I said, relenting when she pushed the joint in my direction. I grabbed it and studied it, anger racing through me. “He’s angry that he walked out on me twice and then I decided to oh, get engaged to my longtime boyfriend. He’s not innocent. He barged in eight months ago, making demands, and then walked right back out, as if he hadn’t just set my world on fire. Seriously, I’m supposed to be the one to run to him? I’m not going to up and leave my life for him.”

“Seems like your life just up and left you, Stella, because you love Reid. You’re the one that’s delusional. Your connection with him just ended your relationship.”

I inhaled the weed and began choking, on the truth.

“Nate has every right to be angry that I didn’t tell him about Reid. I should have told him the night of the wedding.”

“And made him suspect you at every turn? It wasn’t your fault Reid came on so strong. Right now, Nate, he’s just protecting himself. He got a rude wake-up call about the competition he didn’t know he had, that’s probably what freaked him out the most,” she said calmly. I felt the sensation hit me and my nerves began to ease, my limbs settling into a dull ache. My heart forever fucked by dual goodbyes.

“I lost them both,” I said, curling into a ball and grabbing Nate’s pillow. His scent hit me: ocean and woods. I burst into tears. “I can’t handle this,” I said as I looked at her helplessly. “Nate was perfect.”

“No, he’s not. And you know that, and you’ve known it. I watched you situate yourself around him and that damned paper and that was fine as long as you were happy. But, Stella, as much as you loved him, as many of your own dreams as you were planning to sacrifice to be with him, you would have hated that decision eventually, and Nate realized that tonight.”

“No.”

“Yes. And then there’s Reid who you are clearly still in love with.”

“I’ll never forgive him.”

“For what? Playing in a club he started in? He was on a nostalgia kick, and you and your fiancé got caught in the crossfire. He didn’t do anything wrong. He’s just not willing to waste his life in denial.”

“Like I am?” I snapped, taking another heavy hit.

“You want me to hold your hand and lie to you?”

I shrugged. “No.”

She eyed me as she licked her finger and rubbed it on the side of the joint to keep it from running. “Then here’s the way I see it. You love them both. You would’ve been happy with either one. Maybe if tonight hadn’t happened, you and Nate would have had a happy marriage. But it did, so now you have to figure shit out without the two of them. Love has its place and you’ve put yourself on pause long enough. It’s time to get off your ass and do Stella.”

“You never liked Nate for me,” I accused, grappling for anything residual of my own version of the truth.

“Bullshit. He was a beautiful person and good to you. There was nothing not to like.”

“Jesus, I feel so ripped,” I said as I looked down at my ring and saw Nate on his knees, his rehearsed words, our matching smiles and tears, the look in his eyes when for a split second he wasn’t sure of the answer I gave.