Crazy Stupid Love (Crazy Love #1)(60)

“Yeah I can tell.” She laughs nervously. “You need a shoulder?” she tacks on.

I know her game. I can tell by the way her hand slides across my back that she would like to be much more than a shoulder, and honestly, I’m considering the notion myself.

The thought of burying myself inside her tight little body and forgetting this f*cking life for a few minutes sounds more appealing than I expect it to. I would say the whiskey plays a huge role in that thought process, but I don’t have it me to care.

“Just a shoulder?” I turn my gaze towards her, watching the way her eyes darken as she bites down gently on her bottom lip.

“Or whatever else you need.” Her voice drops low.

“Fuck it.” I flip my cigarette into the street before standing, pulling Aubrey up with me.

She’s all too eager to follow me inside the bar and as much as I know I shouldn’t be doing this, a part of me feels like maybe I need to. Maybe if I f*ck someone else I will be able to forget about Kimber.

Just the thought of her name causes a tight knot to settle into the pit of my stomach.

Shaking it off, I ignore Gavin’s eyes on us as I lead Aubrey through the door that goes up to my apartment, dragging her up the stairs behind me. I don’t f*cking care what he thinks; he has no right to f*cking judge anyone.

Throwing open my door, Aubrey is on me before I even step over the threshold. I stumble backward slightly into the apartment, swallowing down the sick feeling that creeps into my throat when her lips connect with mine.

I try to push it away, shake off how wrong it feels to kiss her but I can’t. It only gets worse as she unbuttons her shirt and drops it to the floor, her hands skirting across my stomach as she reaches underneath my t-shirt.

Backing her into the support beam that runs through the middle of the room, my mind immediately flashes to the last time I pinned Kimber against it, how I felt her bare around me, the way her body trembled beneath my touch.

Breaking away from Aubrey’s mouth, the moment my eyes trace her across her flesh, I reach down and stop her hands from unzipping my pants.

“What’s wrong?” She pants, dropping her mouth to my neck.

You’re not her, is all I can think but refrain from saying.

“Stop,” I say, my voice lost somewhere in my throat. “Stop,” I repeat more forcefully, grabbing her shoulders to hold her firm as I take a step back. “Just stop.” I pant, furious with myself for even considering doing this or even thinking that I could for that matter.

Everything about this feels wrong. Fuck me.

Here I have a beautiful girl throwing herself at me, one I know is a good f*ck, and I can’t even f*cking get hard. I can’t kiss her without thinking of Kimber’s lips. I can’t look at her without thinking of Kimber’s body. While this girl may be attractive, she has nothing on the woman who controls my body and my heart.

“I’m sorry, I can’t do this.” I take another step backward, not missing the hurt expression that crosses her features.

“Seriously?” Her tone shifts from soft and sweet to angry in the matter of a second.

“You should go.” I reach down, retrieving her shirt from the floor.

Extending my hand out, she looks down at the article of clothing and then back up to my face not trying at all to hide her confusion.

She opens her mouth to speak but then snaps it closed, clearly deciding against whatever it is she wants to say. Snagging the shirt from my hand, she’s out of the apartment before she even has it all the way on, slamming the door violently behind her.

I stare at that door for what feels like an eternity, my inebriated state causing me to fixate on that one object. I can still hear Kimber’s voice, the way she pleaded with me not to do this as I forced her out of that very door.

I pushed her away...just like I’ve pushed everyone away.

I find clarity in the moment, as if somehow the fog has temporarily been lifted and I can see clearly for the first time in a very long time.

I think about Conner, about the accident, about how badly I wanted to switch places with him, about how badly I still do. I think about my mom, how she could barely look at me for weeks following the accident.

Over and over the moments play through my mind, stirring emotions inside of me that I have long since kept buried. Emotions that I feared would consume me if I gave into them.

Kimber is the only thing that has ever given me any kind of peace; a bright light that cut through the thick darkness I buried myself in for years. She’s the only thing that makes any sense to me anymore.

I was so focused on not hurting her that I couldn’t see just how badly I was hurting her. I just don’t know if that’s something I can come back from. I don’t even know if I could bring myself to try.

Gavin’s right, I’m miserable without her but that doesn’t change the fact that I will never be the kind of man that deserves her love.

Letting her go is the only way I know how to show her just how much she means to me. I want more for her, better. No matter how badly I want her, deep down I know I did the right thing. I choose to put her happiness over my own.

I just hope one day I can find a way to live with that choice.





Chapter Twenty-three


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Kimber

“Are you gonna get that?” Harlee hollers from the bathroom as I sit cross-legged on top of my bed, trying my best to focus on the dry reading material of my textbook and not on the rapid knocking that has been sounding against our door for the past thirty seconds.