Crazy Stupid Love (Crazy Love #1)(63)

“When I woke up there were people everywhere. Voices filtered all around me, but I only recognized one: my mother’s.” A pained sob escapes his throat, a fresh onset of tears falling down his cheeks.

“She was on her way home from work and came upon the accident. She recognized my car I guess. I don’t really know. All I remember is hearing her scream. It was loud. That’s when I knew.”

“I killed him, Kimber.” He turns his tear-filled bloodshot eyes on me, the pain behind them almost more than I can bear.

I don’t realize I’m crying too until he reaches over and gently brushes my cheekbone with the pad of his thumb. The gesture only makes me cry harder. Even in this very vulnerable moment, he’s still worried about taking care of me.

“You can’t blame yourself.” My words are weak and broken.

“But don’t you see, it’s my fault. It all could have been avoided. Conner is dead because of me.” He drops his hand away from my face, turning back towards his brother’s grave. “I have nothing left, nothing but his fading memory and the f*cking headaches that refuse to let me forget what I’ve done.”

“I’m so f*cking sorry,” he cries, dropping his head down as sobs rack through his entire body. “I’m so f*cking sorry,” he repeats, rocking slightly back and forth as despair rips through him.

Before I even realize I’ve moved, I’m on my knees, wrapping my arms around his shoulders as I pull his head into my chest, my body rocking with his as I fight to comfort him. Resting my cheek on the top of his head, I hold him tightly, the feeling of his body trembling beneath mine the most gut-wrenching thing I’ve ever experienced.

I try to hold my own emotions in, to be strong for him, but feeling this man that I once viewed as unbreakable crumble beneath me is more than I can take. It rips me apart; a pain like I’ve never felt before.

This must be what it means to truly love someone; you take their pain as your own and you share the burden.

“This isn’t your fault,” I finally manage to say after several long moments. “You can’t keep blaming yourself for this. Accidents happen every day, Decklan. Conner died, but that doesn’t mean you did. He would want you to live. Live your life for the both of you.” I loosen my grip, rocking back on my knees as I turn his face upwards to meet mine.

“I understand why you pushed me away. And it’s okay. I understand. But I also need to say something, and you’re going to listen to me.” I push his messy hair away from his face. “You are worthy of love, Decklan Taylor. You deserve it, even if you can’t see that yet. And I won’t give up on you. I will just have to love you for the both of us until you can find a way to love yourself as well.”

“I can’t.” He takes a deep breath, wiping at his cheeks.

“Yes, you can. You can forgive yourself. You will forgive yourself. And I will be here with you every step of the way.” I cup his face in my hands. “Because I love you that much.”

“I don’t deserve your love.” His bloodshot gray eyes hold my gaze.

“Yes you do,” I reassure him. “You deserve to be loved; you just have to let me do it. Nothing will bring Conner back.” I drop my hands away from his face, sinking down further to sit eye level with him on the ground. “But you can honor him every day by living the life he never got.”

“I don’t know how,” he admits.

“Then I’ll help you.” I give him a weak smile.

“I’m sorry... for everything.”

“Don’t.” I shake my head. “You don’t have to apologize.”

“I’m so in love with you that it terrifies me.” He reaches out, running his thumb along my bottom lip.

“I’m so in love with you that it terrifies me,” I repeat his statement back to him before leaning down and pressing my lips gently to his.





Chapter Twenty-four


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Decklan

“I’m sorry,” I finally mutter the words I came all this way to say, looking up to find my mother’s tear-filled eyes staring back at me.

“Oh my dear boy, you have nothing to apologize for.” She reaches across the table, taking my hand in hers. “You are my son, and I love you.”

“I was just so angry. I didn’t understand how you could ever forgive me.”

“There was nothing to forgive. It was an accident and accidents happen. I was devastated over losing your brother, but never once did I blame you.” The kindness in her eyes is enough to f*cking gut me right here.

All the shit I put her through, how awful of a son I’ve been since Conner’s death, I just don’t understand how she can so easily dismiss that behavior.

“I loved Conner, just as I love you and Trey,” she continues. “Losing him was like losing a part of myself, and I knew from that moment on I would never be the same. But that didn’t mean that my love for you changed. If anything, it became stronger.”

“I was so awful to you.”

“You were angry, and you were in pain. I understood that. I tried to make you see that I didn’t blame you, but you were so convinced I did that you only saw what you wanted to see. It killed me to watch you punish yourself, to withdraw and push everyone away. It was almost like I lost two sons that night.” She swipes at a stray tear that trickles slowly down her cheek.