Coming Home(189)

“Or her wedding,” Leah added with a smile, and Alexis laughed.

“Don’t go there. If we even joke about her dating, Christopher gets all bent out of shape.”

“He’s such a tool,” Leah said, and Alexis laughed around her sip of wine. “I can’t believe she’s a year old already.”

“I know.” Alexis sighed.

The night Savanna had been born was the same night Danny found out he had a sentencing date.

An entire year ago.

It seemed like another lifetime, but at the same time, she could remember it like it was yesterday. In the nine months since Danny had been gone, her sense of time had been stuck in a sort of limbo; sometimes things felt rushed and blurry, and other times they dragged on painfully. Sometimes it seemed like both things were occurring at once.

“Danny can’t get over how much she looks like you,” Leah said, and Alexis smiled.

“How’s he doing, by the way?”

Leah took a tiny breath. “He’s as okay as he can be.” She shrugged, pushing the food around on her plate.

“When do you get to see him again?”

“Saturday,” Leah said.

“Do you like…get quality time with him when you go?” she asked tentatively, as if she were unsure whether to continue on with this line of conversation or change the subject.

“We don’t get conjugal visits, if that’s what you’re asking,” Leah said, trying to lighten the mood. She had gotten good at putting on a mask, displaying the proverbial stiff upper lip. She hated when people worried about her over this, treating her with kid gloves and tiptoeing around topics of conversation. Leah knew they were doing it out of concern, but it only served to make her feel weak, like deep down they knew she couldn’t handle it.

That her fortitude was all just a charade.

She hated it, because sometimes it was true, and she didn’t need the reminder.

“No, that’s not what I meant,” Alexis said with a tiny laugh, the curiosity overpowering the hesitancy in her eyes. “I meant, can you really talk? Can you touch him? Or is it…”

She trailed off, and at that moment, Leah wanted to jump across the table and hug her sister-in-law. While it still wasn’t the easiest thing for her to talk about, it was the first time in a long time anyone had really broached the subject with her, inviting her to talk about it rather than trying to distract her from it.

All at once she felt like she might cry from gratitude.

Leah sat up a bit straighter. “Um…we can hug and kiss when I get there, and when I leave,” she said, thinking of how much she looked forward to those simple, chaste actions. “And if the guard on watch is nice, we can hold hands above the table.”

She nodded. “Is that weird for you? Not being able to touch him the way you want to?”

Leah inhaled deeply. “Not really. I mean, I’m kind of used to it now.”

“And you guys are…still okay?” she asked, growing more comfortable with her questions as Leah continued to answer with no signs of breaking down.

Leah nodded. “We’re getting by. It’s just that…” She trailed off, lifting her wine glass quickly and taking a sip to swallow the lump in her throat.

“Do you want to stop talking about this?” Alexis asked gently, and Leah shook her head.

“Actually, no, I don’t,” she said through a tearful smile. “This is good. I know it doesn’t look that way,” she added through a laugh, gesturing at herself as she blinked back tears, “but it’s good.”