Coming Home(184)

But then there were other days.

Days that Danny somehow made it to “lights out” feeling somewhat like himself. Days he was able to keep a rein on his thoughts, steering them out of sinister waters. Days when he could see an end in sight—no matter how far off it might seem—and all at once there was something to strive for.

Those were the days his heart felt like it was being shredded.

Because when things were good, he thought about her constantly. Wondering if he’d made the wrong decision. How she was holding up. Whether or not she was angry with him.

Wondering if there was even the slightest chance she might take him back when this was all over.

He wasn’t sure it would even be possible to earn back her trust after everything he’d done, but on his good days, Danny promised himself he’d exhaust every avenue and deplete every resource trying.

And today had been decent for him, which meant it was a horrible day to attempt a conversation with her.

He couldn’t allow this temporary sense of well-being to sway him, because tomorrow, it could be gone, and there would be no way to guarantee if or when it would come back.

Danny watched her shoulders rise as she took a deep breath, but her expression remained impassive as she watched him standing there, rooted to the ground.

He tried to summon the resistance he’d relied on so many times when the need for her pulled at him relentlessly. The same power that prevented him from dialing her number, despite the amount of times he’d gone into the call room to do exactly that. The same resistance that prevented him from sending her emails, despite the fact that he’d drafted several, only to delete them before logging out of the system.

Danny knew it wouldn’t be fair to allow the good days to give either of them false hope. He couldn’t call her on a good day and then abandon her when he was pulled back under. He couldn’t email her one day and then ask her to leave him alone the next.

And so he resisted every urge he had to reconnect with her.

But she was here. And he could feel the unmistakable tug in his body, his heart galloping in his chest.

He wanted so desperately to know what she was thinking in that moment. Why she had come. But he had absolutely no idea what the past month had looked like for her.

The one time Danny had given into an impulse and asked Jake about Leah, Jake’s response had been a lengthy tirade focusing on what a complete * Danny was being.

He vowed then and there never to bring her up with Jake again.

And he knew better than to ask Gram about her. She wouldn’t be as blunt as Jake, but her quiet disappointment in Danny’s decision would be even more cutting in its own way.

Danny didn’t need a lecture from anyone. He knew he was doing the right thing by letting her go, no matter what anyone else thought. No one else was in there with him. No one else was living his every day. So how could they even pretend to know what was best?

As he stood there, watching her watch him, there was a split second where he contemplated turning around. No good could come of this visit with her—he knew that—but the thought of walking away from her made his gut wrench. It was excruciating enough when he’d done it the first time, and he hadn’t prepared himself for the task of doing it again.

She wasn’t supposed to come back here.

He felt himself take a step in her direction before he’d even made a conscious decision to move, and then she stood, releasing her mother’s bracelet as her hands fell to her sides. He watched her curl and uncurl them into fists a few times before he lifted his eyes back to hers.

Now that he was closer, he could see the emotions fighting for control on her face: a knotty combination of sadness, fear, and determination.