Coming Home(187)

A heaviness settled in his stomach, quickly transitioning into a wrenching pain.

“Because he…because I…” Danny shook his head and trailed off, pressing the heels of his hands into his eyes.

“I know exactly why,” she said gently, reaching over and pulling one of his hands away from his face. He dropped the other to the table as she intertwined their fingers, running her thumb over the side of his hand. “It’s the same reason I sat with my father every night for two weeks, praying by his bedside. It’s the same reason Holly and Robyn have been taking turns coming to my apartment every day for the past month, despite the fact that I’ve been miserable and wretched and depressing to be around.”

She gave his hand a tiny squeeze. “Because when you love someone, you don’t bail when it gets hard. That’s when you stay the most.”

It felt like his throat was closing.

“And it’s not always easy,” she said, running her thumb over his hand again. “It’s hard to watch someone you care about suffer. But when you love someone, you do it. You do it without question or reservation. You do it because there’s no other option—because the thought of being without them is a hundred times more excruciating than bearing their burden.” She leaned over and brought his hand to her mouth, kissing the back of it before she said, “And I love you, Danny. You made it so easy to fall in love with you. You’re funny, and loyal, and patient, and selfless.” Her eyes welled with tears. “And you’re considerate, and honest, and intelligent, and compassionate. And you were able to become all of those things—to maintain all of those things—in the face of all the shit life handed you.” She smiled a watery smile. “And I know that’s who you’re still going to be when you come back to me.”

She released his hand to swipe at the tears on her cheeks. “So that’s me, being honest with you,” she said with a sniffle. “There’s no doubt we’re both going to suffer through this. I’ve always known that. Some days will be bearable and some will be completely miserable. But I’ve made my decision. I know what I’m up against, and I know what I want. I want you. And I want us. I want our life together.”

It felt like his heart might come out of his chest; like a strange current was running through his body, making his breath erratic and his muscles feel like they were humming.

“My father once told me that if something seems too hard, before you give up, you should always ask yourself if the reward will be worth the suffering.” She took a deep breath. “So I guess what it comes down to…what I need to know…is whether or not I’m worth the suffering to you.”

Danny rested his elbows on the table and dropped his forehead to his clasped hands. He could feel his chin trembling, and he inhaled slowly, trying to pull himself back together.

The magnificence and purity of her love for him—the all-consuming force of it—could break him and heal him simultaneously. It could destroy him and piece him back together, better than he was before.

And it could restore his faith faster than this place could take it.

Danny remembered wondering once how anyone could keep his head above water here. And suddenly he realized—this was how. When you have something to hold on to. A reason to fight every day. A beautiful lifeline pulling you through to the other side.

The guys who don’t have it—or the ones who are foolish enough to let go—those are the guys that go under.

He thought he could save her by letting her go, but he’d had it all backward.