Carnage: Book #1 The Story Of Us (Volume 1)(93)

CHAPTER 16

The next few weeks were busy; I went back to work on the Monday and helped out at the Brentwood shop, we were half way through March, people were now looking for summer wedding and Royal Ascot outfits. My Mum and I tried to be hands on at this time of year, spending a day a week at each store, making our customers feel special, which they were and giving them the personal touch from the management always made them feel extra special.

Cam and I were now in an exclusive relationship, he was a workaholic but he always made time for me, we would go out to dinner in the week or meet for lunch. Sometimes I’d come over to the wine bar and sit at the bar chatting to his bar staff and the bouncers, while I waited for him to finish meetings and phone calls in his office or for him to turn up if his meetings were elsewhere, later we would have food sent up to his place and I would spend the night there. Other nights he would come to my place once he had finished with all his business dealings, he would let himself in with the key I’d given him, either way, when we were alone together, it usually resulted in us having amazing sex, and it was amazing, toe curlingly so, he was a master in the bedroom, dominant, inventive and considerate. I loved the fact that when I was with him, I didn’t have to think, I could just shut down my brain and enjoy the experience. Time spent with Cam, was time spent not thinking about Sean. Not that that was the only reason I spent time with Cam, not at all, I really did enjoy his company, in fact I enjoyed it more with each time that I saw him. The problem was, as always, Sean. I know I shouldn’t compare the two, as my mother has told me on numerous occasions, no one will ever compare to my first love. She was lucky; she got to marry her first love. While mine was ripped away from me and I had never recovered from what I felt for him, and as handsome and hot and sexy and caring as Cam was, he didn’t make my heart race like it still did when I thought of Sean. I didn’t ache for him when we were apart, the way I used to whenever I was apart from Sean. I was beginning to care for him, but I knew from the second I set eyes on Sean that he would always have my heart and to this very day, he still does and there is nothing that I can do to change that fact.

Cam was usually busy on a Friday and a Saturday night and I really didn’t mind, it meant that I could still go out with my friends on the weekend, which I generally did. Fridays we would club, Saturdays could go either way, we would sometimes club again or sometimes just go to the wine bar, then for some Indian. Sometimes I would get back to my place at dawn to find Cam in my bed and I was fine with that, it worked for me but by May, I noticed that if I wasn’t at his place, then he would always be at mine. We’d gone from seeing each other three or four times a week to six or seven nights a week and he had started to complain about the fact that I still went to my parents every Sunday for lunch, and if my brothers were there and we all ended up in the studio, stoned or drunk, I would stay over till Monday.

I really liked Cam, I wasn’t really comfortable with what he did for a living, but I wasn’t a hypocrite either. I had, it turned out, been raised on money gained mostly by illegal means, so I could hardly call Cam on how he chose to earn a living.

We’d danced around the topic of moving in together but I felt for me, it was far too soon, I was too young. I was in the best place mentally that I been in for just over four years, I wasn’t fixed, I still spent most of my time with my chest hanging on to that last little breath, because I knew, that if I let it all the way out, the panic would set in. I was better, much better. I was listening to music but not theirs. I still couldn’t bring myself to listen to his voice, to hear him sing words that might tell me his thoughts, his feelings, it was still painful, my heart still hurt as much as it always had but I’d just gotten better at coping with it. Every now and then I would wonder if I’d go through my whole life like this. Sometimes I had suicidal thoughts and thought that perhaps I would rather be dead, than live with the hollow, emptiness I had inside, but since Cam had come along, I coped better with it all, I was grateful to him but I wasn’t ready to move in with him.