Carnage: Book #1 The Story Of Us (Volume 1)(166)

“I can’t, I need to look after the horses.”

“I’ve spoken to Jess, she can manage the horses, pack your bags Gia, you’re coming home with me.” I sat down on the bed in my old bedroom, he comes and sits next to me and takes my hand in his.

“I miss you baby, I want you home, I have a few things to finish up in the studio Monday then we are going away, just you and me, a week, two weeks, a month, I don’t f*cking care, I’m done sitting back and watching you trying to run away from everything.”

“I’m not running away.”

“Then what are you doing Georgia? I come over here to sleep, to be near you and you don’t touch me, you won’t let me touch you, I’m not talking about sex, I just want to hold you, I want to be held.”

I sit in silence, I have nothing to say, I’m numb, it’s the only way I know how to handle things, I’m so scared that if I let go, it will all be too much, if I let the pain out, it will overwhelm me, and I will drown in it.

“Georgia, you don’t eat, you don’t sleep, you don’t even cry, everyone is worried about you.”

“I’m dealing with it the best I can,” I say quietly, without looking at him.

“Well good for you, I’m glad you’re all right then. What about me? Have you even given me a second thought in all of this?” He stands up and goes over to the window and stands with his back to me and I’m unsure whether he expects an answer.

“I miss you G, I come home to that empty house and I can smell you, but you’re not there so I come here to be with you and you’re not here either, I’m lost and I’m lonely without you. I want my Wife back, I want my best friend back, I want us to get through this together.” I want to go to him, I want to hold him and breathe him in but that would bring me comfort and I don’t deserve comforting, losing our baby was my punishment for what I did with Cam and I will never forgive myself.

“I don’t know what’s worse?” Sean’s voice suddenly interrupts my thoughts. “In the hospital when you started to go into shock and I saw you convulsing on that bed, I was terrified, they took you away, they wheeled you off and I wasn’t allowed to come with you, I didn’t want to let you go, I was so scared I would never see you alive again, I thought I had lost you.” He turns around and looks at me. “But this, how you’re behaving now, shutting me out, it’s just as f*cking painful G, it hurts just as much.”

I stare blankly ahead, not daring to meet his gaze, because I know I’ll have to go to him, hold him, let him hold me, allow him to make me better.

“It was my baby too,” he suddenly roars. “I lost my f*cking baby too and while all that was going on, I thought I was losing you, you lost your baby, our baby but I thought I was losing so much more, you’re my life G, my world, my f*cking reason for existing.”

I finally force myself to look at him and my damn breaks, the anguish in his voice, in his face, his eyes, it breaks me. Once again, I had been selfish, I had lost our baby and it was a terrible thing but he had to stand by and watch as I was rushed into surgery too. He thought he might lose me, as well as the baby, the thought of him going through all of that, alone, broke me and I started to sob.

Sean comes over to the bed and kneels in front of me. “Hold me Georgia, please just hold me?” He was as broken as I was and I needed him so much, just like he needed me. We climbed back on the bed and just held each other, both of us crying quietly, like we had done on the bed in the hospital.

“You and me G, just Sean and Georgia, it always comes back to this, to us, as long as there’s an ‘us’, we can get through anything, okay?”