Carnage: Book #1 The Story Of Us (Volume 1)(165)

“Good to see you’re awake Georgia, how are you feeling?” I shrugged and my eyes filled with tears.

“Will I still be able to have babies? Can I still get pregnant?” I asked her as she took my temperature and checked my blood pressure, I hated that she ignored my question and just carried on with what she was doing. She went down to the end of my bed and read through my notes.

“The doctor will be in to see you shortly Georgia, he will talk things through with you and your Husband.” She gives a little nod, and then tilts her head to the side. “You were very lucky, you needed four units of blood during your surgery, if you hadn’t have got here when you did, things could have been much worse. Now, try and get some sleep, I’ll be back with the doctor very soon.”

I looked right into her bright blue eyes and said, “I just lost my f*cking baby, how does that make me lucky?” Again, she ignored me and left the room, I laid my head back on my pillow and cried. I cried for my dead baby, I cried for Sean and his lost chance at fatherhood and I cried because of the guilt I felt. This was my fault; this was my punishment, punishment for cheating on Sean, punishment for being a lying, cheating, adulterous, whore of a Wife.

I was allowed home after two days, but I was to stay off my feet and do as little as possible for the next few weeks and I wasn’t to drive for the next month, for all of these reasons and the fact that I just didn’t want to be alone with Sean, I went and stayed at my parents. Sean was busy in the studio and would come and stay with me every couple of nights, he was coping in his own way, music, writing and laying down tracks for the new album were getting him through, whereas I just laid on my Mum’s sofa and then went and laid in my own bed; visitors came and went and I assured everyone that I was doing fine.

I had, it turns out, been very lucky, my fallopian tube had ruptured on my left hand side and I had bled internally for a while, my tube and ovaries on that side had to be removed but there was no reason that I couldn’t get pregnant again. There was a slim risk of another ectopic but I would be monitored closely as soon as I was to get pregnant, which we were told would be safe to do in about three months, if, we felt emotionally and physically ready.

I knew that everyone was watching me, waiting to see how I handled things, if I would withdraw the way I did after Sean and I split up, so I decided to behave in the exact opposite way that my Husband and family expected and embarked upon what I can only describe as a manic episode. As soon as I could drive, I went straight over to the new house and looked over the renovations. I worked with the interior design firm we had hired in choosing paint and fabrics, and I shopped for new furniture. We would need a lot to fill that big empty house and I bought two horses and hired a stable girl, Jess, to look after them and I did all of this alone. I didn’t consult Sean, and I didn’t ask for his input. On the nights that he came and stayed with me at my Mum’s, I virtually ignored him, feigned tiredness and went to bed early, pretending to be asleep when he joined me. I couldn’t sleep so I would sneak out of the house and drive over to our house and ride before Sean was awake and I wouldn’t return until well after I knew he would be gone.

I loved and missed him so much but I needed to go through this alone, I needed to grieve and learn to accept my guilt for what happened to my baby.

After six weeks Sean asked me when I was going to move back home, I told him I wasn’t; I wanted to be near the new house and the horses. I didn’t eat, I rarely slept and I couldn’t sit still for longer than a few minutes. I didn’t want a chance to think, I didn’t want a chance to feel, I just needed to keep busy. For everyone else, alarm bells started ringing, for me, I was just getting by the best I could. Sean let it go for another two weeks, then early one Saturday morning he turned up at my Mum’s and told me to pack my bags, we were going home and then we were going on holiday.