Broken Juliet(71)

Ethan shakes his head and takes a deep breath before continuing. “‘Of course, the Marla in my mind wanted me just as much. She did things to me, too.’ She stands. ‘Wonderful things.’ She unbuttons his shirt and caresses his chest. ‘Things that real-Marla would never do.’ She kneels in front of him. The lights dim as she unfastens his pants and begins to pleasure him orally. ‘If only she’d do these wonderful fantasy things. Betray her husband. Let me love her. I could give her so much. A world of beauty, and pleasure, and magnificent art. Everything. Everything.’ Lights flash suddenly as he orgasms, then go to black.”

He closes the script and drops his head. “Fuck me.”

He’s not angry anymore. Just … resigned.

I want so badly to reassure him, but I know that if the situation was reversed, there isn’t much anyone could say to make me feel better. Instead I kiss his cheek, his brows, his forehead, then his lips. He pulls me into his lap and hugs me, and when our chests press together, I can feel the too-fast rhythm of fear in his heartbeat.

“Do you want me to tell Erika I can’t do it?” I ask as I stroke his hair.

He squeezes me tighter and presses his forehead against my heart. “No. The script is amazing. It’s a great role for you. Awesome role for Connor as well. That’s why Erika chose it. I just … I hate thinking of him touching you. Jesus, watching you pretend to blow him is probably going to kill me.”

He leans back and closes his eyes. When I touch his face, it’s hot. I can see he’s trying to defuse his emotions, but it’s not something that’s easily done.

“I wish Erika had cast you instead of Connor.”

He opens his eyes and runs his fingertips over my lips. “Me too.”

That night, when we make love, he’s different. Rougher. Like he’s trying to f*ck the thought of Connor and me out of his brain. Afterward, he doesn’t talk. Just holds me.

The next morning, he seems calmer about it all, but I don’t miss the haunted look in his eyes. He looks like someone who’s foreseen a terrible tragedy and doesn’t know how to stop it.




I take in a shaky breath.

“Cassie…?” Dr. Kate’s voice is quiet.

“It’s natural for you to get emotional about these memories. That’s the purpose of these sessions. To expose the triggers for your anger and try to confront them. Letting the emotion out so we can deal with it is part of the process.”

“I just don’t see how he could have ruined us twice. Once I could have almost forgiven, but the second time? Why did he even bother trying again, if he knew he couldn’t do it?”

She gives me a sympathetic nod. “Even the best motivations can be tarnished by hurtful outcomes. Have you ever heard the term ‘unresolved abandonment’?”

I shake my head.

“It manifests in different people in different ways, but is usually self-destructive. For those who suffer from it, it’s frustrating, because they recognize the patterns of fear, anger, and self-sabotage but feel powerless to change them. Sound familiar?”

I nod. “Yes.” Not just regarding Ethan, either. I’ve been feeling that way for years.

“Some try to self-medicate with drugs, alcohol, sex, food, shopping, or gambling.”

Ethan used to drink heavily. I lost myself in meaningless sex.

Dr. Kate sits forward a little. “People in these types of cycles think that if they change how they react outwardly, their inner processes might follow suit.”

“Like wearing a mask,” I say quietly.

“Yes. Exactly like wearing a mask.”

I clench my jaw against rising emotion. “Ethan failed our mask assessment. He had to do extra credit to make up for it.”

She pauses. “How successful was he in masking his emotions with you?”

“When I first started working with Connor, Ethan tried to be cool about it. In fact, I think I was more uptight than he was.”

“Why do you think that was?”

“Because…” I pick at my fingernails and answer in a near whisper. “I didn’t want to give him an excuse to break up with me again.”

I don’t look at Dr. Kate, but I can feel her staring at me.

“Cassie, your behavior is nothing to be ashamed of. You were scared of being hurt again. Clearly, Ethan wasn’t the only one affected by abandonment. You’re here because you’re still being affected by it.”

I nod. At the time, I had no idea why I was so emotionally bipolar. All I knew was that I was being pulled in so many different directions, I was afraid of moving at all.




I’m supposed to be confident as I take off my shirt, but I’m not. I’m even less confident as I remove my bra. I’m wearing skin-tone stickers over my nipples, but they don’t make me feel any less naked. I’m supposed to look Connor in the eye, but I can’t. It’s Connor. My friend Connor. My friend who’s now standing in front of me, staring at my chest and breathing too fast.

“Watch your posture, Cassie,” Erika says. “You’re a life model. You’d be used to being seen half naked.”

I straighten my back. Connor says his lines, and then he touches me. Gentle hands. He runs his fingers up my sides, over my rib cage. He pauses before touching my breasts. I look up at him. He almost seems apologetic as he puts his hands on me and squeezes gently.