Becoming Calder (A Sign of Love Novel)(86)

Hector nodded, tapping the pads of his fingers together. "Yes, all the more reason to give him the purpose he obviously craves . . . to help him value his family more, rather than his own selfish motives." Hector glanced out the window again, narrowing his eyes and looking up at the sky, and then back toward me. "His sister's death may have been just the thing to make Calder realize how far he'd veered off course." Hector stood up. "In any case, we should meet more often about Acadian business, my love. It will bring us closer, especially as the flood draws near." As he looked back at me, he smiled. I stared at the small piece of food to the side of his mouth, unblinking.
"Well, then," he said, clearly excusing me.
I stood up on shaky legs. "Have a good day, Hector," I said, turning and leaving his office.
I could barely walk. I could barely breathe. I needed to talk with Calder, to know what he was thinking. Does he still love me? Want me? Was he somehow blaming himself for Maya's death? Oh, Calder. I need you.

**********

I watched Calder pledge his engagement vows to Hannah Jacobson two days later as all of Acadia stood in the Temple. I felt like I was hovering just outside my body, a lump in my throat so big I could barely swallow. Once again, Calder wouldn't look at me, although my heart leapt with hope when I saw the morning glory pinned to his shirt. Had he done that for me? I had no way of knowing, and no way of talking to him. Was he going along with this because he was being forced to in some way? Why hadn't he sent me a message of some sort? Didn't he know this was killing me inside? He had to.
Calder's face was blank. I couldn't read it. But Hannah looked serene and happy, a wreath of flowers in her hair. I watched her as she glanced repeatedly at Calder, a shy look of appreciation on her face. Of course. Who wouldn't appreciate looking at Calder?
My heart throbbed with jealousy when I watched them together. They really were a lovely couple, both with their dark, glossy hair; she was small and petite and he was tall and strong. I wanted to scream.
After Hector performed the commitment ceremony, Calder leaned forward and kissed Hannah chastely on her cheek. I looked away, misery clouding my vision.
We all filed out of the Temple, the rest of the people chatting and laughing, ready for the celebratory feast. Hector took my arm and started leading me back to the main lodge. I turned my head and craned my neck, attempting to look at Calder one last time, but there were so many people in my way, on every side, I couldn't see him. He is mine, all of him, every part, I reminded myself. We vowed it to each other beside our spring, under the light of a full moon. I suddenly couldn't stand all the people, the close confines of the Temple. Fierce anger filled me, and I broke free of Hector's arm. I walked ahead for a few steps before Hector caught up to me, grabbing my arm.
As I spun around, that's when I caught Calder's eye, standing still, watching me between two groups of people who were standing still and chatting. For just a brief flash, I saw the wild look in his eyes as he took in Hector's hand on my arm. But he didn't move. And then Hannah came to stand beside him and his eyes broke from mine as he looked down at her and smiled. Possessiveness assaulted me. His smiles are for me. I didn't have much, but I had those. They were my everything.
"I don't feel well," I said to Hector, still looking behind him. "I need to lie down."
Hector looked at me, a knowing look coming into his eyes. "Yes, of course you do. Go rest. Rebalance yourself. I'll see you at breakfast tomorrow morning."
I turned and walked away, back to the main lodge. I couldn't help but note in all the years I'd been in Acadia, it was the first time I'd been allowed to walk anywhere publicly by myself. I supposed it was not only because Hector sensed I needed time to myself in my own room, but because there was nowhere else I could go.
I'll kill Hector in his sleep tonight, I thought wildly as I ran up the small slope to the main lodge. Every minute of misery in my life was because of him. But when I got inside and closed the door behind me, and stood breathing hard against the wall, the idea seemed desperate and stupid. And I didn't think I had the heart to kill anyone, even Hector.
In my room, I lay down on my bed and curled into the pain. If Calder married, how would things work out for us? Even if we were able to leave, Calder would be married to someone else. Didn't he have a duty to take care of her? Could he just leave her here when we left?
If I were married to Hector though, it wouldn't stop me from leaving. Calder was doing what he had to do and I had to trust him. Be strong, Morning Glory.
I skipped dinner and went to bed early, so emotionally exhausted I could barely stand. Surprisingly, sleep claimed me easily and I sunk gratefully into her dark nothingness.