BAD REP(133)

“No, I'm not going anywhere,” he said stubbornly.  I reached up and pulled his hands away from me.  I finally opened my eyes and coldly regarded him.

“I told you to leave.  I can't do this right now.  I'm a mess.  I need some space,” I bit out.

Jordan tried to grab a hold of me again but I was able to move away before he did so.  “I can't leave.  Why the f*ck are you doing this?” he asked in a tortured voice.  I shook my head.  My mind was made up. Sure, I'd probably wake up in the morning, regretting this decision.  But right now, it seemed to make perfect sense.

“Because, my life is in shambles and somehow it all seems to come back to you!  I just need a breather!” my voice rose and I saw Jordan flinch.  Then his eyes shuttered and his teeth clenched.  The desperate tenderness was replaced by something colder.  Harder.

He picked his shirt off the floor and yanked it over his head.  My heart caught in my throat as I watched him shove his feet into his shoes.  He grabbed his bike key off of the coffee table and walked to the door with angry steps.  Before opening it, he turned to face me one last time.

“I meant what I said, Mays.  I love you.  So damn much.  And you'll wake up in the morning and realize you threw away something f*cking perfect for NOTHING!” he yelled.  I winced as though his words were a physical blow.  He took a deep breath and calmed down.

“I thought you were worth everything.  That we were worth all the drama and bullshit.  I am willing to fight to the death for what we have.  But I can only do that if you're willing to fight with me.”  His eyes drilled into mine, lost and disappointed.  My stomach dropped to the floor.  He turned his back to me and opened the door.  “But obviously you can't do that.  Or won't.  And I'm a damn fool,” he said with a sad resignation that hurt worse than his anger.

I opened my mouth to say something.  Anything.  I had no idea what I could do to make this better.  Whether I wanted to make this better.  But I knew with absolute certainty that I was making the biggest mistake of my life. What the hell?  My decision had seemed so crystal clear five minutes ago.  What was wrong with me?  Riley was right, I was sabotaging everything.

But before I could do anything, Jordan walked out and slammed the door behind him.  And I was left standing there in the carnage I had created.  With my heart in pieces, I dropped to the floor and cried.

Chapter Twenty-Seven



To say I was depressed was a massive understatement.  The week after Jordan and I broke up found me barely getting out of bed, blowing off classes, only eating when Riley forced me to.  I hadn't seen a shower in three days but I was way passed caring.

I had f*cked up.  Why had I f*cked up?  Because I was angry.  And scared.  And I had allowed other people to influence how I felt about the one person who mattered most to me.  I was a complete and total idiot.

Jordan hadn't called.  I checked my phone obsessively.  Even going so far as to sleep with it in my hand.  Every morning I checked to see if he had called or sent me a text.  Every day began with the same gripping disappointment because he never did.

But why would he?  I had thrown him out of my apartment after he had given me some of the most amazing sex of my life.  I was an ass.  And now I was a lonely ass.

I started skipping my classes and my grades were taking a nose dive.  I avoided all calls from my parents.  I purposefully ignored Gracie and Vivian's efforts to reach me.  I locked myself in my room and wallowed.  One thing was for certain.  I was a world class moper.

The hours felt like weeks.  The days felt like years.  I missed him.  I ached for him.  But I was scared to do anything about it.  Because I had shattered what was between us into tiny, itty bitty slivers.  My parents were right and I was a grade A screw up.

“It smells like misery in here,” Riley remarked, poking her head around the door of my bedroom.  I was curled on my side, staring at my blank phone, willing it to ring.  I mumbled something unintelligible.  Riley sighed and ventured inside.  She sat down on the edge of my bed and took my phone, placing it on my nightstand.

“When was the last time you showered?” she asked, scrunching up her nose.  I gave myself a whiff.  Man, I was ripe.  Riley made a face.  “I think it's time you start bathing again.  Do society a favor,” she said.  I sat up and ran my fingers through my greasy hair.