BAD REP(132)

Jordan frowned again.  “Mays, what the hell?  Why would you do something like that?” he asked as though speaking to a child.  Then I snapped.  All of my anger, hurt, betrayal.  Every horrible feeling I had had in the last few weeks came bubbling to the surface.  And it all focused on one target.  Jordan.

“Why did I do that?  Because of you!  It's always about you!” I hollered, fisting my hands at my side.  Jordan leaned down to the floor and grabbed his jeans, putting them back on.

“So the fact that you tried to take out Olivia is my fault?  Am I hearing that right?” he asked.  I recognized a dangerous edge to his voice but I was way passed caring.

“Well, every single crappy thing that has happened in the past four months has somehow circled around good ol' Jordan Levitt.  So you do the f*cking math!” I threw at him.  Jordan's lips thinned and his face started to flush.  His eyes glinted angrily.

“Is that how you really feel?” he asked quietly.

Right then, it was exactly how I felt.  None of this would have happened to me if he hadn't decided to chase after me.  I was so angry.  And damned if in my overly emotional state, it was all his fault.  “Sometimes, Jordan, I wish you had never bothered with me at all,” I whispered.  I realized what I had said as the words hit him.  He sucked in a breath and the anger faded from his face.  Replaced with something so much worse.

“Maysie.  You can't mean that,” he choked out.  He looked stricken and part of me hated what I was saying.  No, I didn't mean it.  Well, not entirely.  But there was a part of me that was seriously angry and bitter and I was taking all of it...every single bad thing, out on him.  It was wrong.  It was hateful and cruel.  But I was feeling hateful and cruel.  I just wanted to stop feeling so shitty all the time.  At whatever the cost.

I looked away, my shoulders sagging.  Jordan's fingers curled around my chin as he pulled my face back towards his.  His other hand came up to roughly clasp the back of my neck.  His fingers were hot against my skin and his breathing was ragged.  He wore only his jeans and his fantastic chest gleamed in the darkness.  He was so damn beautiful.

“Look at me!” he pleaded and I raised my eyes to meet his.  The deep blue of his irises were wet and I realized he was holding back tears.  “I'm so sorry you feel that you've had to deal with the fall out alone.  I made some shitty choices.  I should have handled things better.  I hate that you've borne the brunt of that.  It kills me.”  His hand tightened at the back of my neck and I was helpless in his grasp.

“I've gotten my fair share of grief too, you know.  The guys at the house won't lay off and that's why I rarely go there anymore,” he admitted and I blinked in surprise.

Though that's nothing like what I've had to deal with.  The hateful, bitter voice in my head taunted.  God I wished it would just shut up.  I tried to pull out of his hold but he moved his hands to capture my face.

“Maysie, please.  Don't let all of that other crap get in the way of you and me,” he begged, his thumbs caressing my cheeks.  I closed my eyes against the warring emotions doing battle inside me.

“But it already has, Jordan,” I said softly.  Jordan yanked me forward and pressed his forehead to mine.  His breath came quick and harsh against my lips and I couldn't look at him, so I kept my eyes closed.

“I love you, Maysie,” he said in a strangled whisper.  I squeezed my eyes tight.  No!  He could not be choosing this moment to tell me something so important!  What the hell?

“Maysie!  Look at me!  I love you!” His voice was gutted and I refused to open my eyes.  Then his mouth was on mine.  His lips were persistent and demanding, his tongue running along the seam of my mouth begging for entry.  But I wouldn't give it to him.

“Maysie!  You promised me you wouldn't run!” he pleaded again, his mouth crushing against me, trying desperately to illicit a response.  But I felt dead inside.  I was tired and sick of it all.  I loved Jordan.  I wished I could tell him that.  But right then, it just didn't matter.  I felt like I had to get control of my life back.  And I didn't think I could do that with him near me.

“I need you to leave,” I said against his mouth.  Jordan stilled, his fingers digging into the sides of my face almost painfully.