BAD REP(120)

“Yeah, see ya later!” she called after us and then I heard Gio's door slam shut.

Jordan went into his room and he started rooting through his stuff, trying to find his book.  I stood by the door and watched him.  He seemed agitated.  Clearly the run in in the hallway had gotten to him.  And damn it, that pissed me off!

“Where the hell is my book?” he grumbled, moving piles of clothes to his bed as he searched.  I walked over to him, grabbed the stuff he was holding and threw it on the floor.  Jordan looked at me in surprise.

“What was that for, Mays?” he asked bewildered.

I pointed out into the hallway.  “That upset you, didn't it?” I demanded.  Jordan sighed and ran his hands over his face.

“Maysie.  It's not what you think,” he said, sounding annoyed.  I went over and closed his door, then turned around to face him.

“Are you jealous that Olivia slept with Gio?  Is that what your attitude is about?”  I asked, unable to disguise the hurt in my voice.  I knew rationally that of course he'd be weird about it.  Even if he no longer loved her, he had to still care about her on some level.  Yeah, rationalizations had no room in my brain at that particular moment.  I felt tears prick my eyes and I tried to calm myself down.

I could feel my body start to tremble and I hated how upset I was over something so ridiculous.  Jordan let out a frustrated sigh and turned his back to me.  “This is stupid, Mays,” he muttered, bending down to dig his biology book out from under his bed.

His flippant disregard for my feelings stung.  I felt like a child being dismissed during a temper tantrum.  I didn't think I was being entirely unreasonable.  But Jordan had effectively shut me down.  I stood there, watching him shove his book into his bag as he walked passed me and out into the hallway.  I was left to follow him, feeling like an idiot.

We got back into his truck and Jordan didn't say anything.  The air between us was decidedly cool and I didn't know how to thaw it.  When he pulled into the parking lot at the school, we still hadn't said a word to each other.  He threw the vehicle into park and grabbed his bag.

“Jordan, wait,” I said before he could get out of the car.  Jordan hesitated but didn't look at me.  “I'm sorry, alright.  I was being jealous.  It's just really hard for me.  You and Olivia have this history and we're so new.  I just get intimidated by it,” I admitted quietly.

Jordan's shoulders dropped a bit.  “Maysie, I can't lie to you.  Seeing Olivia with Gio bothered me.”  I sucked in a breath, his words like a knife to my heart.  Jordan's jaw clenched.

“But not for the reasons you think.  Gio is an ass.  He uses girls and throws them away.  I care about Liv.  I always will.  You don't share a huge portion of your life with someone and then discard them like it's nothing.  I did wrong by her, Mays.  What I did was f*cked up.  And I feel incredibly guilty.  And that's what I felt when I saw the two of them together.  Guilt.”

He twisted in his seat so that he was facing me.  His eyes were bright as they bore into mine.  “I don't love her.  Not anymore.  I haven't loved her for a long time.  But I feel bad.  I feel like a total dick for being that guy.  I cheated on her.  It's hard for me to reconcile myself to that.”

I swallowed.  The shame of what we had done washing over me anew.  I had no idea Jordan struggled as much as I did.  He seemed so sure of us.  Maybe he was starting to question whether he had made the right decision.

“I'm so sorry...” I started and Jordan cut me off, reaching out and pulling me toward him.

“No, Maysie.  No!  I don't want you to think for one second that I regret you.  Regret us.  I wouldn't undo anything that brought you into my life.  I just hate that Olivia is reaping the aftermath of my decision not to be upfront with her.  And now she's hooking up with douche bags like Gio Bovalina.  It's just kind of hard not to feel like the biggest * on the planet,” he said sadly.

I felt a little better, but I didn't like him beating himself up like that.  I bumped my nose with his.  “Olivia Peer is a big girl, Jordan.  She makes her own decisions.  Don't think for one second that you are in anyway to blame for that.  Guilt will suck you dry.  I should know.”  Jordan rubbed his nose along my cheek, his breath sweet against my skin.