Angel in Scarlet (Bound and Determined #4)(74)

He smiled but without humor. “When I first began to pay attention to you, I thought I saw some flicker of what I wanted in a wife. I thought I saw a woman who was willing to take chances for what she believed in—and then you began to act like all the others, always doing what was expected, saying the same words I had heard a dozen times. I do not know who decided that men want wives of no opinion or personality.”

“I know not either, but it is what I was taught. It is what I thought you would want.”

“Well, it was not. When you first caught my attention, it was because you seemed a girl who did not always do what she was taught, a girl who had passion, who would argue with me and challenge me. I thought you were a girl who could see beyond the boundaries of what was proper. If you were not that girl, I wanted to end it between us before true affection was involved.”

She glanced down at her hands. “You were too late. And I changed because of you. I didn’t know what to do. When I realized you would never be faithful to me, it destroyed me—and yet I could not give you up. I found that I had to suppress parts of myself if I wanted to go on, to endure. I could no longer be the girl who jumped without knowing where she would land, the girl who trusted that life would work out.”

“I don’t think we ever know where we will land. It is what gives zest to life.”

“I don’t deny that, but somehow I could not be that woman anymore. It was all I could do to get by each day knowing that you would never truly be mine, knowing that any marriage between us would always be a farce. I was so…I was going to say ‘lost,’ but I do not think it was truly lost. I would never have started this game with you if that woman was not still in me.”

His brow furrowed. “Why did you not simply come and talk to me? Why did you not ask if I intended to be faithful once we had wed?”

“How? I could not ask you about your mistress. And I knew that it was something that women accepted—so I tried hard to accept it.”

“You should have come to me.” He said it firmly.

All she could do was stare at him. He must know how impossible that had been. Even now, when they knew each other so much better, it was all she could do to say the words.

He stared back. “You should have trusted me.”

“I did, and then I saw you and your mistress. I saw you with a naked woman. How was I supposed to trust you after that?”

“What are you talking about?” He looked genuinely confused.

She lifted her chin. “I saw you, you know—with your actress. I was in the theater waiting for my brother one day. I should not have been there, but it seemed as if it could do no harm. The two of you came out onstage—she took off her clothing. She offered to play your flute.”

His brows drew together. “Oh.”

“That is when I changed. It was hard to act normal after that. I wanted to yell and scream, and yet I knew it was not my place. I knew this was how society worked—I just never thought it would work that way for me. Several of my friends had married, and I knew that their husbands had kept women; sometimes my friends had relationships of their own—after the first son, of course.”

“Of course.” His tone was ironic.

“Do you have no more to say? One night you were giving me my first kiss, our first kiss, and I thought feelings were growing between us, and the next afternoon you were cavorting with a naked woman.”

“If I remember the afternoon in question correctly—and despite what you might believe there was only one afternoon that I was with a naked woman onstage—there was very little cavorting going on.”

“She was naked and talking about your flute.”

“Would you quit using that term? I disliked it when Vanessa used it, and I find I dislike it even more now. And, no, I cannot deny I was with her, but I do deny anything happened. Even then thoughts of you were filling my mind, and I did not find her to my taste—even though she always had been in the past.”

“Oh.”

“Yes, oh.” He placed both hands on the table and leaned forward. “So will you decide to trust me? That really is the question. If I tell you I will be faithful, will you believe me? I can persuade you, if that is what you need.” His eyes left hers and moved to the bed.

Warmth pooled between her legs. Yes, she was sure he could make her forget—but could he make her trust? “I am still not sure. It’s all so tangled. How can I trust when I know what my eyes saw?”

“I have told you the truth.” He reached out and took her hands, sliding his thumb across her palm. Shivers of fire shot up, ending in her breasts, which seemed to swell and strain at even the slightest of his touches. “That is all I can do. In the end you must decide if you have faith in me. You have trusted me in so much, my angel. Can you not take this last step?”

“I don’t know.”

“Perhaps this is where I should dare you. Should I dare you to believe in me? In any relationship, much must depend on belief in each other. There is no way to be sure what will come in the future.”

“Bliss and Duldon seem sure.”

His thumb ran across the thick pad of her palm. “Yes, but I think they have already been through much together. They are not still exploring each other.”

She felt a flush rise up her cheeks. “I am not so sure about that. Some comments Bliss has made lead me to believe that they still engage in plenty of exploration. I think they even still visit Ruby’s.”