Angel in Scarlet (Bound and Determined #4)(67)
And he was probably right. If he had asked those months ago, she would have said yes before the last word had left his mouth, but then she had fooled herself into believing they had something special between them, something that young girls dreamed of. Now she knew better. She pushed away all the longing in her body, all the longing in her heart. “That does not matter. Only this moment matters. None of us can go back in time. It may only be a matter of months, but I am not the same girl that I was then.”
“You look the same to me.”
“Then you do not look very deeply.”
“We are talking in circles. Will you marry me, Angela?”
Chapter 19
Angela slipped into the ballroom, feeling as if her head were empty of everything but air. She felt so light-headed that it was remarkable she did not simply float away. Her hands still shook. Her heart still pounded. Her legs still felt as if they would fail her at any moment.
“There you are. I was beginning to worry,” her mother said, coming up from the side, a glass of champagne in her hand.
Angela looked at it, looked at her mother, looked back at it. She raised her brows in question.
“Oh, I have the most wonderful news. I was speaking with Lord Peter, and he has expressed disappointment that your father is not here. He wishes to speak to your father. You do know what that means!” She took a gulp of the champagne and almost sneezed. Clearly she was not used to the bubbles.
Trying to comprehend this new piece of information, Angela temporized. “What exactly did he say? I cannot imagine that after sitting next to me at dinner and a single dance the man wants to marry me. That does not seem possible. Perhaps he wishes to see Father for some other reason.”
“Oh, I don’t know,” her mother fluttered. “I just know…the tone of his voice, the way his eyes swept the dance floor looking for you. He wants to ask. I know he does. A mother is not wrong about these things.”
She’d certainly been wrong before. Colton came immediately to mind—although she was not so wrong anymore. “I still suspect you may be reading too much into it. He probably has something to talk to Father about that has nothing to do with me.”
Her mother took another sip of the champagne, a rather large one. “Oh, you are looking all gloomy again, and I refuse to have any part of it. I will think what I want to think. Have I not taught you to take pleasure where you find it and to not go looking for trouble? Even if the only pleasurable thing in an entire day is that your morning egg is set perfectly, that is something to be happy about—and you will be far better for taking that happiness than for letting it drift aside. You used to be so good at being happy. Now the sky is blue one minute and there are nothing but gray clouds the next. Did you know that when you were a tiny baby you would wake up smiling every time? You might decide to cry, but only if you had a reason. Your natural state was a happy one.”
How many times had her mother told her this over the years? “I know, Mother. I really do. I just have had a hard time with it these last months. My faith is not as blind as yours.”
“I am not blind. I know that things are not always as I would like, but I would rather be joyful than glum, and it seems to me we have the choice. You were far more like me as a child than you are now. I do sometimes wonder what happened to you this summer. Why did you stop believing that there was a happy ending? Why did you quit throwing yourself forward as hard and as fast as you could, trusting that you would land on your feet? I’ve always wondered if something awful happened to you, but I’ve never been able to understand what. It was before Colton failed to propose, so it could not be that.”
Could this night not be over? Her emotions were volatile, and she had no more explanation for her mother than she ever had. She could not tell her mother about finding out that Colton had been unfaithful and how that had changed her. She could not tell her of the devilish things she had done with him recently and the joy they had brought her. She could not tell her of his coldness yesterday. And she definitely could not tell her of his proposal. That would only bring disaster of one type or another. She tried to lift her cheeks in a half smile. “Nothing awful happened to me, Mother. I think I simply matured, and that was not so awful. I can remember when you were glad that I was not as foolish as Bliss, always going from one madcap adventure to the next.”
Another sip of champagne, but this one seemed more thoughtful. “I suppose that is true, but I mourn the girl who was even wilder than Lady Bliss. Do you remember when the two of you borrowed your father’s best hunter because you wanted to see who could make him clear a higher hedge? You both acted as if you’d fly if you got up high enough.”
“Certain parts of my body remember. I do not believe you were as pleased as you pretend. I can still hear you yelling and telling me how dangerous it was.”
“True, but later I realized that nothing bad had happened. There was not a scratch on either of you. And you acted as if you had been racing at Ascot.”
“I am sure you exaggerate, and I am equally sure that you would yell and scream again given the same circumstance.”
Her mother smiled softly, sadly. “You are probably right, but I do wish you would smile as you used to.”
“This is getting far too morose for a party. I’m going to find a glass of that champagne and then we can sit and watch the couples twirl and gossip about who is showing more than a little ankle and bosom. We have not done that in quite a while.” She did not want to think of how Colton had changed her, both all those months ago and again, in a very different way, this past week. Could she ever go back to the woman she used to be?