Absolution(97)

The priest searched the interior of the car, leaning on the sill. “Are you sure? You don’t look so good.”

He felt drugged, like the emotions were there, but they were so distant now, just beyond his reach. He went from feeling everything just minutes ago, to feeling absolutely nothing.

“I’m fine. Thanks.”

The priest looked him over again, obviously not convinced. “What are you doing out here, son?”

“I don’t know.”

“You look like you need some air,” he mumbled, reaching in to squeeze Jack’s shoulder. “Care to take a stroll with me?”

Jack found himself exiting the car on autopilot. He looked around him, dazed, unsure. The priest’s hand on his shoulder again grounded him and he turned towards him.

“Come on,” Father David prodded gently. “Let’s go this way.”

They walked in silence at first, Jack’s head still foggy as they made their way into the small cemetery. He stopped to wait as Father David closed the gate behind them, and they strolled up the centre path together slowly.

“You look like you could use a friendly ear, Jack.”

Jack waded through the words in his head. Father David and he weren’t exactly bosom buddies and it felt weird even being with him now, when he didn’t really consider himself one of his parishioners. And besides that, where should he start when everything was so messed up? He looked around them, at the well-kept gardens and shady trees that overlooked the headstones.

“Maybe I can help?” Father David offered gently.

Jack huffed out a laugh in spite of himself. Embarrassed, he shoved his hands into his pockets and hung his head. “I wish it was that easy.”

The priest didn’t speak for a few moments, and the only sound was of their footsteps up the path. The headstones spread out either side of them like a miniature city, dotted with flowers and greenery.

“I saw what happened at your Dad’s funeral,” Father David said, glancing sideways at him. “I didn’t know your Dad as well as you did, but I think I can safely say I knew him longer,” the priest continued. “We talked about a lot of things in that time, especially over the past couple of years. I think he would’ve been proud of you for coming home. It can’t have been an easy thing to do.”

Jack’s hands clenched into fists inside his pockets. “I’m not so sure about that. I don’t feel like I’ve made any difference at all, coming back here.”

The rhythm of their footsteps lulled him, and he felt rather than saw Father David’s nod of understanding.

“You know, life’s a funny thing. You’re so busy doing things, living it, that oftentimes you don’t really have a chance to step back and see the bigger picture – the effect you’re having on everyone around you.”

Jack’s heart raced as he looked over at him.

“How our lives intertwine, how what we do matters,” the priest continued. “It’s all linked – everything we do, everything we say, every decision we make. We are powerful – the things we do matter, even the little things. And we don’t always get it right.”

Jack stared up at the path winding ahead of them. His head began to spin.

“It’s okay to make mistakes, that’s what makes us human. God expects us to make mistakes. And He’s not the only one with the power to forgive, either. People have that power, too.”

“What if you don’t deserve forgiveness?”

The priest’s hand on his shoulder startled him and he looked up into Father David’s penetrating gaze.

“Everyone deserves forgiveness, Jack,” he said firmly. “If God forgives you, you should forgive yourself.”

Jack found it impossible to tear himself away.

“How do I know that God forgives me?” He felt like a child again, questioning everything, unwilling to just believe for the sake of it.

“He will. You just have to ask Him.”

They stopped walking and stood facing each other. Jack struggled hard to breathe normally, frustration clawing at his insides. He wanted to believe, so desperately. He wanted the pain to end.

“So you made some mistakes – who hasn’t?” the priest soothed. “You can’t change the past, but you can change the future. You’re here now and that’s what matters.”

“Ally tried to kill herself,” he whispered hoarsely, tears spilling down his cheeks.