Absolution(93)

“I know that, that’s why I’m here, busting my ass to try and prove to you that you can!” Jack insisted. “And I don’t expect you to walk away, either. She needs you, even I can see that.”

Callum shook his head, his cheeks burning. Strangely, hearing Jack say it did nothing to comfort him. He didn’t want Ally to need him. He wanted her to want him. Even as the thought crossed his mind, he knew it was impossible – now, more than ever.

The back door opened, breaking the spell, and Maggie stood in the doorway.

“Ally’s freshening up, she’ll be out in a minute. I made coffee for anyone who wants it,” she said uncertainly, her gaze flitting between them before finally settling on Jack. “You staying or going?”

Jack drew himself up straighter. “Staying.”



Ally sat on the side of her bed, sniffing and wiping her eyes, trying desperately to pull herself together. Humiliation and regret clawed at her and she wanted nothing more than to lie back, pull the covers up over her head and stay there forever.

She had been determined to make sure that Jack would only get to see her at her best – strong, in control, healed. She hadn’t counted on him getting through her defenses so easily. Now that wall was crumbling so fast, she couldn’t keep up the repair work.

Shame crept through every cell in her body as she had relived her suicide attempt, Jack staring back at her as if he was reliving it with her. She would have done anything to spare him from that. It was bad enough that everyone else knew – the one thing she had hoped to keep from him, the one thing that she was ashamed of more than anything else, and now he knew the ugly truth.

She crossed her arms around her waist, imagining she could feel his arms around her again, as they had been only minutes before. She could still smell his cologne on her clothes, even through the blocked nose that all those tears and heartache had caused. Her arms felt empty and hollow without him in them. It was as if her centre of gravity had shifted.

After years of trying to forget what he smelled like, trying to ignore the way her body wanted to meld with his at bedtime, trying to fight off tears when she thought of his soft, warm lips searching hers – trying to forget him – now he was all over her subconscious again.

She wanted him to stay so badly, it scared her.

The kiss they shared was like the stuff of dreams, alcohol warping and magnifying some details while removing others completely. She remembered that he tasted of beer, she knew he had wanted it as much as she had and she knew that when he pulled away, she didn’t want it to end. But he had pulled away, and she had been too frightened to mention it since. It seemed safer to forget it ever happened. If only she could.

She could still feel his hands on her bare skin, and it had opened a portal somewhere deep inside of her. Her rampant imagination wondered about things she had been too afraid to consider for so long. Could they make love the way they used to, even with her limitations? Would he even want to? She wouldn’t blame him if he didn’t. She felt nauseous herself, just thinking about it. Would she even be able to feel anything at all? How would it work, logistically, even if by some miracle, they managed to get to that stage?

It wasn’t just the sex itself, it was the minefield of emotions and technical difficulties that went with it. Lack of sensation and mobility weren’t the only stumbling blocks. She was so self-conscious, the thought of Jack seeing her naked body – all of it – sent her into a blind panic. She buried her face in her hands as she remembered the sickening look on his face when he had seen her, half-naked, on her bedroom floor.

The last time they had made love she had been a different person, in every sense of the word. She meticulously catalogued the number of things she was unwilling or unable to share with him. The list seemed never-ending.

By sharing this darkness with him, she had only added to his burden and she doubted she would ever be able to forgive herself. It was bad enough that she had to see the pain she had inflicted in everyone else’s eyes, but now she would see it in his, too.

Every time he looked at her, he would know.



Two and a Half Years Earlier



Callum sat across the table from Tom, nervous as he watched him browse the information pack that had arrived yesterday.

It had been almost four months since Ally’s suicide attempt and it felt like they had lost her. The old Ally had gone, leaving behind a shell, hollow and empty. As each day passed, the wall she built around herself seemed to get higher. The counsellor was happy with her progress, but he wasn’t – far from it, in fact. Desperation had set in. He would find his own solution. Jack may not be here, but he was.