Absolution(102)

He waged a mental war with himself, so obvious she could feel it from where she sat. Part of her wanted to take it back – to reach up and grab the question out of the air between them and crush it with her bare hands. Another part of her begged patience. She needed this.

“I’ve done some things I’m not proud of.”

She willed her heartbeat to slow. “You’re not alone there.”

He pulled his knees up, resting his elbows on them, his jaw set. “Okay,” he said finally.

She tried to prepare herself but she had no idea where to begin. He swung his legs over the side of the lounger and rested his elbows on his knees, searching the ground between them as if it contained all the answers. She felt far away from him then, as if he stood on the other side of a deep chasm, shouting across at her. Things were spinning out of control again.

Consciously, she closed the gap. She lifted her legs off the lounger and mirrored his stance, reducing the space between them to a mere couple of inches, their knees almost touching. He stared at her anxiously and she reached across to squeeze his hand.

“Whatever’s freaking you out, I can take it,” she said, with more conviction than she felt. “I won’t run away screaming – figuratively speaking, that is.”

A weak smile ghosted over his lips and she withdrew her hand, waiting for him to continue.

“I don’t really know where to start,” he shrugged. “I mean, when I left here, left you… that was the biggest mistake of my life, the thing I’m most ashamed of. I just wanted to hide – from everyone. When I finally stopped, I had almost run out of money. I had to work, so I grabbed the first job I could find. After that, I did whatever I could, wherever I could. Mostly construction jobs, because they were easy to get. As soon as I got enough money together, I moved on. I just kept moving, kept working.”

“What about friends?”

He shook his head. “It was easier on my own.”

It sounded so far from the Jack she knew that her mind had trouble making the connection. Her heart ached for him and the loneliness she heard screaming out at her from between the words. She couldn’t imagine having gone through the past four years alone.

“It wasn’t exactly a rock ‘n’ roll lifestyle, but it was what I deserved,” he continued. “If I couldn’t come home, then I couldn’t complain.”

“You could’ve come home.”

He shook his head, glancing up briefly before his gaze fell to his hands. “No, I couldn’t have. The longer I stayed away, the worse it was. I just kept thinking about you – about everything.”

This was a million miles away from what she had imagined. “How long are you going to punish yourself?”

He shook his head, staring at the grass between them, head bowed. A sudden cool change in the breeze sent a shiver down the back of her neck.

“You’re home now, it’s over. You need to let go, Jack. It’s time.”

He stared at the grass for several long, agonising moments. She tried to conjure up the right words to tell him that it was okay, to make him believe her, but her heart hurt so much, it was difficult to think straight.

Finally, he looked up. The pain in his eyes stole her breath, the same way it had when they had talked for the first time, after Tom’s funeral.

“How do you do it?” he asked. “How’d you get to be this strong?”

“Me?” She nearly laughed out loud, the idea was so ludicrous. “I’m not – I mean, how could I be, after what I did?”

“I’m talking about what you do every day – you really don’t get it?”

“Get what?”

“You’re a walking tower of strength – literally. You do the impossible, and you don’t even seem to know you’re doing it.”

He reached over to take hold of her hand. Warmth spread up her arm, cloaking her entire body. It was so familiar that, coupled with the look in his eye, she had trouble convincing herself that this was real.

“Do you remember me kissing you the other night?” he asked, the tenderness in his voice unmistakable.

She wanted to dive right into those gorgeous green eyes and damn the consequences. Something stopped her though, and she managed to drag herself back from the brink.

“Yes,” she whispered. “I also remember you pulling away.”

“That was because I knew you’d had too much to drink and I didn’t want to take advantage of the situation,” he paused. “Did you think that I didn’t want to kiss you?”