Absolution(42)

- Richard Bach




Jack had been waiting for half an hour, he realised as he checked his watch yet again. Standing up, he paced the length of Ally’s porch before sitting down again in the same spot.

He had slept on the couch last night. Desperate for peace, he had polished off the rest of the whisky and waited to pass out. Only, it hadn’t happened as instantly as he would have liked. He had lain on the couch, staring at the ceiling as it spun before him. He tried to conjure up some words of wisdom that his father might have offered, had he been there. All he had successfully done was give himself strange, fractured dreams last night and a giant hangover this morning.

He turned his hands over, studying them. Bruised knuckles stared back at him. Was Callum right? Should he go? Was he only doing this for his own selfish reasons, or did he really think he could make a difference? He recalled Ally’s discomfort as they had talked about the accident – the pain was clear and raw, and he wanted to shrink away from it but he found himself caught. He had been hiding from it for so long, it seemed like it was part of a nightmare, not completely real. But seeing it like that, having it pour out of her and slam into his stomach that way, was something else entirely.

Callum hated him, he saw it in his face, never mind the words that spilled out of his mouth. He didn’t blame him, either. Deep down, he had hoped for some sign that there might be a chance he could claw their friendship back from the brink, that he hadn’t screwed it up for good. He knew now that that was clearly a pipe dream.

He felt like he was drowning. He wished his father was here – he would know how to stop everything from falling apart. Self-pity tried to claim him as he desperately struggled to keep his head above water.

This morning, eager for some peace, he had decided to go to the cemetery to visit his father’s grave. He got as far as the cemetery gate but he couldn’t make himself get out of the car. Ashamed and angry, he had driven back to the house and locked himself inside. He spent the rest of the day in there – wandering, lost, his mind in pieces. At one point, he found himself staring at the notes on the fridge door.

Church newsletters. Shopping lists. Articles from the local paper. Appointment reminders. Handwritten notes. Everything looked normal, yet in reality it was the opposite.

Then had come the epiphany, of sorts.

He drove straight to Ally’s house before he lost his nerve. Only she wasn’t here. Determined to talk to her, he settled in to wait.

Glancing up towards the road, he saw tunnels of light punching through the darkness. His gut clenched as the car turned into her driveway. This was her decision, not his. He just had to let her make it. He owed her that, at the very least.

He stood up, raw knuckles grazing against his jeans as he shoved his hands in his pockets, hunching his shoulders against the chill. From the shadows, he watched her unload a wheelchair from the back seat, unfolding it and expertly clipping on the wheels. She hoisted herself out of the car and into the wheelchair, so preoccupied that she didn’t even notice him.

His heart raced. He felt like a voyeur. Considering he had expected to see her in a wheelchair all this time, why did it bother him so much to see it now?

Now or never.

He stepped out of the shadows and made his way down the path towards her. She grabbed a sports bag from the back seat of the car and dropped it into her lap, turning to close the car door.

“Hey.”

She whirled on him, clearly startled.

“Sorry,” he held up his hands. “I didn’t mean to scare you.”

His shadow engulfed her as the security light from the outside of the house illuminated them. He felt like he was in the spotlight, which in more than one sense, he was.

“I hope you don’t mind me coming around like this, I know it’s late.”

She recovered quickly. “No, it’s okay. You just took me by surprise, that’s all. I didn’t know if… it doesn’t matter. Do you want to come inside?”

“Thanks,” he smiled thinly.

He followed her up the path in silence, hanging back as she navigated the ramp alongside the steps easily.

“Come in,” she said over her shoulder, reaching up to unlock the door and using the doorframe to pull herself over the threshold.

He followed, closing the door behind him as she deposited her keys on the hall table. She dropped the sports bag onto the floor beside her and they stared at each other awkwardly.

“Do you want coffee? Or maybe a beer, or something?”