Absolution(47)

He didn’t smile.

“The two most dangerous words in the English language – what if,” she said, the wistful smile fading. “They can drive you mad. You can’t spend your life wondering about what might’ve happened. It doesn’t matter how much we want to change things, the fact is we can’t. The only thing we have control over is the present and the future. The past is gone, over. We have to move forward – we don’t have a choice.”

He reached across the table and laid his hand gently over hers. She fought the urge to pull away, the gesture so familiar yet so terrifying. Afraid to look up, she watched as he slowly turned her hand over, gently running his fingertips over the calluses at the base of her fingers. She cringed, trying to ease her hand out of his, but he held fast.

“Please don’t,” she whispered. “I hate them.”

“Why do you hate them?”

“Look at them – they’re ugly.”

“They’re not ugly,” he said, his voice choked with emotion. “You should be proud of them.”

She glanced up and found she couldn’t tear her eyes away from his, now molten pools of green. She wanted to dive in suddenly – to get away from all of this and start again.

“You should be proud of yourself,” he insisted, squeezing her hand. “You’re incredible. So much stronger than I was – than I am.”

“I didn’t have a choice,” she argued, feeling wholly unworthy of praise.

“There’s always a choice, Ally. I should know. I was scared and I did the wrong thing. I wish I could change that – believe me, I do,” he said with quiet conviction. “I don’t deserve to ask for another chance, so I’m not. Just know that I’m going to try and make it up to you somehow, even if it takes the rest of my life. I’m not asking you for anything except to let me try. That’s it, that’s all.”

Goosebumps rose on her arms from his touch. Silently, she prayed for strength even as she felt it flowing out of her. Her bones seemed to liquefy, leaving her feeling even more vulnerable.

“I don’t know what you want me to say,” she whispered.

“Just say that you’ll let me try – that’s all. I’m not walking away this time. You have my word.”

She was light-headed from the implications, her brain whirling in a hundred different directions at once. “Please, can you do something for me?”

He nodded solemnly. “Anything – name it.”

“Talk to Callum. Please?”

She swore she felt him shrinking away from her, although he recovered quickly.

“Despite what he might say, he doesn’t hate you. He just needs time.”

“He does hate me, and I don’t blame him.”

“You shut him out and it hurt, that’s all. He lost his best friend. You must be able to understand that? I mean, you did too, didn’t you?”

“Yeah. I guess I did,” he said quietly. “Don’t worry. I’ll talk to him. We’ll work something out.”



Four Years Earlier



Jack stood outside Callum’s hospital room, his shoulder aching despite the miles of tape and the sling that was supposed to keep his arm immobile.

“Thank you, son. That’s all we need for now. I’ll let you go see your friend.”

The policeman who reminded him of a younger version of his father put his notebook away and offered his hand.

“Thanks,” Jack nodded, shaking it. “Uh, do you know what happened to the driver of the other car?”

The cop shook his head. “The paramedics pronounced him deceased at the scene. Right now, that’s all we know. The autopsy will hopefully reveal more.”

Jack nodded, shaken to hear Callum’s suspicions confirmed.

“Thanks for your time,” the cop said kindly. “You take care now.”

Jack watched him walk away, sinking back against the wall and trying to stop his head from spinning off his shoulders. He wondered if he should have taken the painkillers offered to him when they taped up his shoulder, but it had felt like cheating somehow. It was hard enough to keep a thought in his head without drugs muddying the waters.

He desperately wanted to see his father one minute, and was then overcome with shame the next. How was he going to explain this – to his father, to Ally? He took a deep breath, then another, before standing upright, pushing himself away from the wall and forcing himself to enter Callum’s room.