Absolution(48)

Callum sat on the edge of the bed, staring at the floor. His clothes were heaped in a pile beside him, the hospital gown he had argued about putting on, hanging off him loosely.

He glanced up when Jack entered. “Everything okay?”

“Fine.”

“What did he want to know?”

“What the road conditions were like, how fast we were going, if I’d had anything to drink,” Jack sank down carefully into the chair in the corner. “He breathalysed me.”

“Makes sense.”

The doctor’s words hung in the air between them, heavy and oppressive and coating Jack in a thick layer of guilt he could barely breathe through.

“She’s going to be fine,” Callum said. “She’ll get through this and she’ll be okay.”

Jack could feel his muscles contracting, almost pulling him in on himself.

“No she’s not,” he whispered. “She’s not gonna be fine – weren’t you listening? She’s paralysed and it’s my fault.”

“Jesus – how many times? You didn’t do this!”

“Yes I did!” Jack insisted through teeth clenched so tightly his jaw ached. He stood up and began to pace, his body anxiously needing to mirror the frantic activity going on inside his brain. “She had a spinal injury and I moved her!”

“You didn’t know!”

The moment of impact rushed back, with everything else that followed playing out in front of Jack like a movie. “If I’d left her in her seat, if I hadn’t moved her, if I’d just listened to you, she’d be fine.”

“You did the right thing,” Callum insisted. “The car was leaking gas – you didn’t have a choice, you couldn’t just leave her there!”

“Oh God, she’s gonna hate me. She’s gonna… ” Jack stopped still, his knees trembling as the weight of his decision pushed down on him.

“You were trying to save her life, the car could’ve gone up at any time and she would’ve been inside it if you hadn’t pulled her out!”

Jack blinked, coming back to reality with a jolt. “But it didn’t, did it? It didn’t ignite. Maybe I imagined it? Maybe there was no gas, maybe it was all in my head?”

“You didn’t imagine it!” Callum rasped sharply, tears gathering in his eyes. “I smelt it too – for God’s sake, this isn’t helping. Remember what the doc said? When she wakes up, she’s gonna need you. If she sees you like this it’s just gonna freak her out. You need to get a grip!”

Jack stared back at him, dumbstruck. He knew without a shadow of a doubt that he couldn’t stand there in front of Ally and tell her that because of what he did, she was never going to walk again. He couldn’t apologise – there were no words for what he had done. And what did it matter anyway? Words wouldn’t fix it, nothing would. His whole body went numb as the realisation coursed through his veins, eating away at his insides, hollowing him out.

The door opened then, and it felt like time had slowed down again. His father appeared and at the look of anguish on his face, Jack broke down.

“Son,” he said simply, and then Jack was freefalling into his arms.





CHAPTER 9




“Not everything that is faced can be changed.

But nothing can be changed until it is faced.”

- James Arthur Baldwin




Jack climbed into his car and sat there, staring into the darkness.

She wants me to stay.

He felt light-headed for a moment before joy quickly turned to uncertainty. He had convinced himself that she was going to send him away – and why not? What could she possibly see in him that he couldn’t see in himself? He didn’t deserve this. How would he ever prove to her that he was worthy of it if he didn’t truly believe it himself? How was he going to change things?

Get a grip. Don’t do this.

He couldn’t screw this up, not again. There was too much riding on it now. The strength in Ally’s voice as she talked about her injury had been in direct contrast to the look in her eyes. He was under no illusion that it was as straightforward as she made it sound. One thing was for certain, he had a lot to catch up on.

His phone vibrated in his pocket and he dug it out, declining the call and tossing it onto the passenger seat. It wasn’t the first time Ben had tried contacting him and probably wouldn’t be the last. He vowed to pick up a new phone, and soon.