Understood (Unspoken #1)(21)

Her hand flew to her mouth, and she began to shake in Jake’s arms.

Ray paused and looked down, no longer staring straight into the cameras. When he looked back up, his eyes were moist with a sheen of tears.

“I—I abused my wife during our three year marriage.” He broke off again and ran a hand through his hair. “I took a beautiful, trusting woman, and I hurt her in unimaginable ways. I can’t live with that knowledge any longer. I can no longer live a lie. She is innocent of the things I’ve accused her of. I am the monster here. I know she will never forgive me. What I did was unforgivable. I can only pray that she finds happiness and peace and that maybe one day I can forgive myself.”

As he paused again, the reporters, who had stood in stunned silence, surged forward, shouting a multitude of questions. Ray held his hand up, and they fell silent.

“I’ve spoken to my coach and to the team owner. I’ll fulfill the terms of my contract, but I’m seeking out counseling. At the end of the two years, I’m retiring from the NFL.”

He leaned forward, looking earnestly into the cameras. “I am truly sorry for all the pain I’ve caused you, Ellie.” Tears fell freely down his face now. “I will never forgive myself for betraying your love and trust in me.”

He turned into the shelter of his bodyguards and hustled away from the cameras toward the waiting prop jet in the background.

“Holy f**k,” Jake muttered as he flipped the TV off.

Ellie sat there, her eyes wide with shock. She felt like a solid block of ice, no feeling except the cold.

Jake put his hand on her arm, his touch enquiring. “Ellie? Sweetheart, talk to me. Are you all right?”

Her breath escaped in a stuttering hiccup, her body shaking with the effort it took. Jake took her gently in his arms, tenderly sliding his hands up and down her body.

To say she was stunned was an understatement. She should be thrilled, though how could someone be thrilled when all the dirty secrets from her marriage had been spilled for the world to witness?

Shouldn’t she feel vindicated? Exonerated? In a fit of conscience, Ray had admitted to the horrors he’d put her through.

Instead of feeling relieved, she wanted to simply crawl under a rock and die.

Jake rocked her back and forth. He kissed her on top of the head and murmured sweet words into her ear. She flinched away from him, suddenly feeling unworthy of his undying support.

“Ellie, don’t,” he protested. “Don’t push me away. Not now. Not when you need me more than ever.”

She couldn’t look him in the eye.

“What is it?” he asked. “Ellie, this is good. Now the world will see him for the bastard he is. He’ll never fool anyone again.”

She raised her gaze to his. He recoiled for a brief moment. Was what he’d seen in her eyes so horrible?

“I thought people knowing lies was the worst thing,” she whispered. “I thought nothing could be worse than them believing I was the problem, that I had been unfaithful, a slut, a tramp. But I was wrong. Them knowing the truth is much, much worse.”

“Ellie, no…”

She hugged her arms around herself, determined not to shed any more tears. Not over Ray. He wasn’t worth it. Not even his sincere apology had changed the hatred that burned so deeply within her. She supposed in a situation like this, she was supposed to be the bigger person and offer her forgiveness, but it wasn’t going to happen. She would never forgive him for nearly destroying her.

Jake sat next to her, bristling with all sorts of disagreement. He was preparing to launch into a whole host of reasons why he was right and she was wrong, and she was just too emotionally exhausted to listen.

“Not now, Jake,” she said tiredly. “Please. I just need…” Hell, she didn’t know what she needed. She closed her eyes. “I just need some time to think. Or not think. I just want to close my eyes for awhile.”

Jake leaned in and pressed a kiss to her forehead. His face was creased in concern. She knew he was worried, but she didn’t have the fortitude to offer him any reassurances. Not when she couldn’t even offer them to herself.

“Rest, sweetheart. This will be over soon. I promise.”

Chapter Twelve

Ellie quietly disentangled herself from Jake’s arms and eased out of the bed. It was still dark outside. The sun wouldn’t rise for another half hour.She’d lain awake most of the night, her mind in turmoil. Ray’s announcement had shaken her badly. Brought years of shame rushing to the forefront. Suddenly her private life had been thrust into the national spotlight. But more importantly, it would be all over the small town she’d grown up in like wildfire.

All that bunk about facing the music and not hiding flew out of her mind as soon as Ray had opened his mouth and spilled their dirty secrets.

She couldn’t live this way. Couldn’t continue in a place where every time she looked in someone’s eyes she saw pity or disapproval shining in the depths.

On silent feet, she walked into the living room. She wasn’t just going to walk out on Jake without a word. She wasn’t a petulant child throwing a tantrum, and God knew, she didn’t want to worry him.

She scribbled a note and left it in a spot she knew he’d find. She told the truth. Simply that she needed some time away. Alone. To think. To come to terms with the fact that once again, Ray had upended her life.