Understood (Unspoken #1)(23)

He cupped her shoulders in his hands and held her away from him. “Just know something, Ellie. Wherever it is you end up, whenever you get tired of running, know that I’ll be here waiting for you to come home.”

Chapter Thirteen

Jake sat alone in his living room, staring at the brightly lit Christmas tree. Christmas Eve. How many Christmases had he sat here staring at his tree wishing for the same thing?This year, he thought he’d finally gotten what he wanted. Ellie. In his arms, his bed, but more importantly, as a permanent part of his life.

His gaze fell to the lone Christmas present under the tree. An engagement ring he’d bought for Ellie a few days ago. Ironically enough, the day before she’d left town.

Three days. Three days of self-recrimination. Of loneliness and a sense of loss he could never hope to recover from.

In that time he’d argued with himself countless times. He shouldn’t have let her go, let her walk away. But what choice had he had? He loved her too damn much to ever stand in her way.

He closed his eyes and brought his hands up to his face. How on earth could he face this Christmas without her? Knowing that every Christmas from now on, he’d view it as a reminder of all he’d lost.

Grief, raw and aching, razored through his system. He’d never loved another woman, and he knew without a doubt, he wouldn’t again. Not like Ellie.

The doorbell rang, wrenching him from his torment. He didn’t want company. Especially not if it was Luke or the others coming over to spread their obnoxious Christmas cheer.

He sat there for a moment willing the intruder to go away. He had no desire for anyone to see him in this state. Big Jake Turner, former NFL star, reduced to a quivering mass of agony.

When the doorbell rang again, he swore and shoved himself up from the couch. He stalked over to the door, in a hurry to get rid of whoever it was. Only when he opened the door and saw who was standing on the doorstep, he forgot all about making her leave. Forgot everything but the fact that Ellie stood there staring nervously up at him.

She shivered and he hastily pulled her inside.

“You’re going to freeze to death,” he said as he pushed her toward the fireplace.

It was a lame greeting but he couldn’t think of one single thing to say to her. He was excited and scared out of his mind all at the same time. Had she come back? Or was she simply here to collect her things and clear out her house? He couldn’t stand another goodbye. Not when it would tear his guts right out to watch her walk away again.

He wanted to touch her, taste her, take her to bed and make love to her until she never wanted to leave again.

“How have you been?” he asked.

She bit her bottom lip and looked at him with wide blue eyes. Eyes that reflected clear uncertainty. Was she worried he’d kick her out?

She looked down and pulled a small gift-wrapped box from her pocket and held it out to him. Her hands trembled, making the ribbon on the present wiggle about.

“What’s this?” he asked dumbly as he took the box.

“Open it,” she said.

He untied the ribbon and tore off the paper. It dropped to the floor as he fumbled with the box. When he opened it, he saw a single piece of paper inside.

Slowly, he drew it out and unfolded it. In her neat handwriting she’d written:

There isn’t a box big enough to hold my love for you. But it will always belong to you. As I will.

He folded the paper back up reverently, afraid to believe the implications of what he’d read. He looked back up at her, searching her face for some sign of what was going through her beautiful head.

“Do you mean it, Ellie?”

She looked back at him, so much love reflected in her clear blue eyes. Tears filled them, threatening to spill over her lids.

“Do you still want me, Jake?” she whispered.

Ellie watched as a multitude of emotions crossed his face. Then he grabbed her with both hands and yanked her into his arms. He crushed her to him, holding her tightly.

“God, Ellie, of course I still want you. I’ve always wanted you. Where have you been, sweetheart? Promise me you’ll never leave like that again.”

She pulled away and smiled up at him. “I know I’ve been an idiot, Jake, and I’m sorry. But I had to get away for awhile and clear my head. I was so mired in humiliation and shame that I couldn’t see what was important. And what was important, the only thing that mattered in the end, was that you loved me.”

“I do love you,” he growled. “So damn much.”

She sucked in her breath and knew she had to say everything, get it out so she could put it behind her. “For so long, I lived with such shame. I blamed myself for the things Ray did. Even though I knew he was a bastard and that nothing I could have done would have changed that, I still couldn’t look logically at it. All I knew was that I felt dirty, and that I never wanted anyone to know my secrets. It was bad enough that you had seen me at my worst moment, but I couldn’t bear for the rest of the world to know.”

“Oh, sweetheart,” Jake said in a voice that sounded like his heart was breaking.

“I never wanted anyone to know what really happened,” she admitted. “If Ray hadn’t gone public, I would have gone to my grave with those secrets. It’s probably wrong of me, but I couldn’t wipe away the shame I felt. I couldn’t bear the thought of having to face people who knew the truth. Didn’t want to see the pity or the scorn. So I ran, thinking if I could go away someplace where nobody knew me, I wouldn’t be so humiliated, I wouldn’t feel so hurt. I was wrong. It was all still there only now I was faced with losing the one person in my life who loved me even knowing of all those terrible things.”