Two of a Kind (Fool's Gold #11)(93)
He’d spent the day walking around town and his evening working out. He was exhausted but not tired, spent but not at peace. The ache inside him refused to go away, and sleep was impossible. He needed the one thing he could never have. Morgan had been right—he was in a gutter and he had no way to crawl out.
Without any conscious plan, he flipped the switch that activated his microphone. “Today, I want to talk a little bit about the past, about my past.”
He paused, not sure what to say next. “Some of you know that I served in our armed forces. There are things that happened, things I saw, that challenged everything I believed in. I was taken prisoner with other men. Good men who served with honor. They loved their country and their families. For a long time, I knew the reason I’d made it and they hadn’t was that they couldn’t forget those they’d left behind. They missed them, longed for them, called out to them. Racked with fever from open wounds and burns, they thought they were back home and reading stories to their children. But they weren’t. They were in a cell, and I watched each of them die until I was the last man standing. Because I was alone and I thought that made me strong.”
He didn’t have to close his eyes to see the other men. They were with him, always. “I don’t know why I made it and they didn’t. I only know that when my friends dragged me out of there, I knew I was never going back. I was never going to risk their pain. I had learned my lesson.”
What if he’d known about Carter, he thought grimly. How much worse things would have been. How—
Or was that true? He’d had nothing to miss, which he’d always seen as a strength, but he’d also had nothing to live for. Once he’d been rescued, he’d had nothing to keep him moving forward except the knowledge that he was alive.
Morgan had talked about being unable to fit in and how his Audrey had saved him. Would Carter have made a difference? Would Felicia?
The phone lines lit up. Gideon figured he was going to get an earful and pushed the first one.
“Don’t you think you’ve been punished enough?” a woman asked. “Gideon, there’s no reason to blame yourself for surviving when those other men didn’t. Only God knows the answer, and if you spend too much time asking, you’ll waste what you’ve been given. A chance with your son and Felicia. That’s the real crime. Not that you lived, but that you’re not living now.”
He didn’t recognize the voice, and he had no idea who she was. “All right,” he said slowly. “Uh, thanks for calling.”
The second caller was a man. “War is hell. Thanks for serving, son. Thanks to all who serve. Now, walk away from what you did and walk toward what matters. When you’re old and ready to meet your maker you’re not going to be thinking about what you did or what you owned. You’re going to be thinking about the people you love. So get to it.”
There were several more calls just like that, followed by what sounded like a teenage girl requesting less “really old songs and more Justin Bieber.”
“I’ll see what I can do,” Gideon said with a chuckle and hung up.
He leaned back in his chair. This was what Felicia wanted, he thought, getting it for the first time. A community to care. People who would tell her when she was being an idiot and when she was on track. A safety net and all the other clichés about being surrounded by people who loved you and whom you loved back.
He stood, prepared to claim, to be a part of this. Then the memories were back, the screams, the pain. The knowledge that even though his body was alive, he’d already given up. And by giving up, he was dead.
The red button flashed. Someone was at the back door. He tore off his headphones and raced to the rear of the building. When he jerked open the door, he grimaced.
“You,” he grumbled.
Angel raised his eyebrows. “I was expecting more of a greeting.”
“You’re not who I was expecting.”
His friend studied him. “No. I’m not who you wanted. No offense, but you’re not my type, either. I came to finish your shift.”
“What do you mean?”
“You can’t leave dead air out there. I’ve watched you put the CDs in and push the button. I can do it.”
“I’m not leaving.”
Angel shook his head. “You’re as stupid as you look. You’re leaving because a woman like Felicia comes along once in a lifetime. Because if you don’t go after her, someone else will. You’ve been given a second chance. Didn’t that guru guy in Bali teach you anything? The only way to heal what’s wrong with you inside is to love her and trust her.”
“Like you know anything about being in love?” Gideon paused, belatedly remembering that Angel’s wife and son had been killed. “I’m sorry,” he said quickly. “I’m sorry.”
Something flashed in Angel’s eyes. A sharp pain that cut to the soul. Gideon recognized it because he’d felt it himself.
“Apology accepted,” Angel said. “Having gone through what I did, I know you’ll regret losing Felicia until your last breath. I know that you’ve finally found where you belong, and there’s no way you can stay here without her. What’s that line from that stupid movie? She completes you, bro. Only it’s more than that. You have a woman who understands you and a kid like Carter and you’re confused?”