Midnight Sun (Twilight #1.5)(78)

"Well, Jacob said something about that," she said.

Bella flinched at the mention of Jacob's name, but Jacob really was over that now. Or at least he wasn't going to waste energy on getting worked up about it again. "It looks like I told you about their vegetarian ways," he said.

"What did Jacob say?"

"He said you didn't...hunt people. He said your family wasn't supposed to be dangerous because you only hunted animals."

"That seems to be a bit nicer than what I would say," Jacob said.

"Really?" Bella questioned.

"Yeah... I mean before this I never really believed the legends, but still," Jacob said and then shrugged there. "They're bloodsuckers that we had an uneasy treaty with... I'm not about to say something nice about them."

"He said we weren't dangerous?" I repeated cynically.

"Not exactly," she clarified. "He said you weren't supposed to be dangerous. But the Quileutes still didn't want you on their land, just in case."

I stared at the road, my thoughts in a hopeless snarl, my throat aching with the familiar fiery thirst.

"So, was he right?" she asked, as calmly as if she were confirming a weather report. "About not hunting people?"

"The Quileutes have a long memory."

She nodded to herself, thinking hard.

"Don't let that make you complacent, though," I said quickly. "They're right to keep their distance from us. We are still dangerous."

"Yes, they are," Jacob frowned, this book did prove that in a way. The vampires really did have a somewhat daily struggle to be able to be close to humans... and then if there was one that smelled too good... they would lose themselves in the monster. And yet, it was hard for him to hate them, because they were trying to stop their very nature...

"I don't understand."

No, she didn't. How to make her see?

"We try," I told her. "We're usually very good at what we do. Sometimes we make mistakes. Me, for example, allowing myself to be alone with you."

Her scent was still a force in the car. I was growing used to it, I could almost ignore it, but there was no denying that my body still yearned toward her for the wrong reason. My mouth was swimming with venom.

Jacob sighed, he really didn't want to hear that right now... it made it easy to hate them again.

"This is a mistake?" she asked, and there was heartbreak in her voice. The sound of it disarmed me. She wanted to be with me - despite everything, she wanted to be with me.

Hope swelled again, and I beat it back.

"A very dangerous one," I told her truthfully, wishing the truth could really somehow cease to matter.

She didn't respond for a moment. I heard her breathing change - it hitched in strange ways that did not sound like fear.

"What is it then?" Jacob asked.

Bella didn't answer; she just looked sadly at the book.

"Tell me more," she said suddenly, her voice distorted by anguish.

I examined her carefully.

She was in pain. How had I allowed this?

"You should watch your words more carefully," Bella mumbled.

"What more do you want to know?" I asked, trying to think of a way to keep her from hurting. She should not hurt. I couldn't let her be hurt.

"Tell me why you hunt animals instead of people," she said, still anguished.

Wasn't it obvious? Or maybe this didn't matter to her either.

"I don't want to be a monster," I muttered.

Bella smiled at that, thinking how that proved that he wasn't a monster.

"But animals aren't enough?"

I searched for another comparison, a way that she could understand. "I can't be sure, of course, but I'd compare it to living on tofu and soy milk; we call ourselves vegetarians, our little inside joke. It doesn't completely satiate the hunger - or rather thirst. But it keeps us strong enough to resist. Most of the time." My voice got lower; I was ashamed of danger I had allowed her to be in. Danger I continued to allow...

"Sometimes it's more difficult than others."

"Is it very difficult for you now?"

I sighed. Of course she would ask the question I didn't want to answer.

"Because those are the questions that truly matters... that lets me know more about you," Bella said.

"Yes," I admitted.

I expected her physical response correctly this time: her breathing held steady, her heart kept its even pattern. I expected it, but I did not understand it. How could she not be afraid?

"Because she's a freak," Jacob supplied.

"But you're not hungry now," she declared, perfectly sure of herself.

"Why do you think that?"

"Your eyes," she said, her tone offhand. "I told you I had a theory. I've noticed that people - men in particular - are crabbier when they're hungry."

"That is ridiculous," Jacob said in mock indignation.

"Are you hungry now?" Bella questioned.

"I could do with a bit of eating, yeah," Jacob admitted.

"I rest my case," Bella said and Jacob rolled his eyes.

"But we are going to eat dinner after this, right?" Jacob asked, now that she's got him thinking about food, he really was hungry.