Midnight Sun (Twilight #1.5)(202)

Not today...Alice murmured. She's not ready.

My hopes plummeted at this news. She continued to watch the future which spun, twisted and became mangled again.

I wish...

"This is obviously not the time to bring that up," I barked.

I was just going to say I wish she'd wake up soon, Alice's eyes were wide with innocence, and I didn't believe it for a second.

Looking at her eyes, I saw the reflection of my own eyes which were an odd brown, muddy color. Momentarily it caught me off guard, forgetting I was wearing the contacts, even though they continued to obstruct my perfect vision.

I stole my eyes away from her to bring them back to Bella's limp and lumpy form. Her eyes were closed lightly, as if she were very peaceful. Her hair glinted in the bright white light over her face. My remorse and the guilt burned with the thirst, and, if I had the ability to produce tears, they would have filled my eyes. Each second that I continued to count reminded me of the precious soul lying in the bed before us. She was so breakable, and I broke her, she was good and she didn't deserve my fate. My mind was bouncing around like a tennis ball, willing myself to stay away from her, to no longer let my life collide with hers...destroying it in the process.

What have I done? As the hour passed my mind continually would titter on a line of right and wrong. First, my thoughts leaning one way, then the other. Alice was becoming irritated at my constant state of vivid flashes of the future which would crumble every time I changed my mind. Then, when I didn't think the burning could get worse, I imagined her waking up and kicking me out of her room. I had to remind myself that she had every right to hate me, to not trust me with her safety. That she should.

Would you quit! Alice shouted from mind. You aren't going anywhere. I won't let you. Remember, you did save her life.

Her thoughts were confusing and incomprehensible. Did I not place Bella in front of the danger that lurked around her until it struck? Wasn't this all my fault in the first place? Quickly, I decided that the best course of action was to ignore her thoughts.

After an hour had passed Renée entered the room, her mind happily jumping from subject to subject. What books she liked, her favorite movies, how she painted Bella's new room in Florida. Each second, I counted...I angered even more...mostly at myself. I tried ignoring Bella once, letting her go and it didn't work. I remember thinking that there were other options besides her ultimate doom. Now that I am sitting at her bedside, where she was on the brink of death nearly twenty four hours ago, I realized that keeping her in the fragile state would inevitably destroy her.

I had to leave. Not now, but after she recovered. I did this, I have to clean it up. I won't leave her here, broken, without help.

I've had it! Alice stood up. "Renée, I'm sorry, I have to go. I'll see you tomorrow."

So soon? Renée stared at me. But he's not good company. "I understand, dear. See you tomorrow."

Surely it had to be miserable being around me, but if they understood my frustrations, my ever growing war that was raging inside me, then they would leave me alone. I argued with myself as the evening hours progressed, afraid my less noble side would win the argument. To add to my ever growing torments, the silence emitting from Bella was torturing me. Night after night I watched over her, and she spoke, tossed, turned, and murmured some more. Not last night...and not tonight.

The mystery that surrounded Bella continued to make my curiosity flare. The lure of her unprotected and unconsciously spoken thoughts were making me sick with regret. I should have stayed away and then tonight would have been like any other night when I went to visit her. I missed her murmurs, her spoken dreams and fears.

The only sound from Bella was her light breathing, which had a little rattle from her bruised ribs and her steady heart beat. I shook my head in disgust at what I had done to her. Though she was bruised and tubes and wiring seemed to be coming from her every orifice, she was still beautiful. Her dark hair was tangled wildly around her pale face.

As the night progressed into the early morning hours, Renée never kicked me out. Instead she slept resolutely with Bella's hand in hers. Jealousy raged inside me at her touch. I wanted it to be me holding her hand, lying with her, comforting her. It was foolishness to think that we belonged together, even though I could never imagine myself without her, or with anyone else. She deserved happiness and love with whomever she chose, yet she chose me...the cold inhuman creature that almost brought her to her death.

Could a dead frozen heart break? I felt like mine was.

In an instant, a memory flooded my troubled mind, making my mind teeter in yet another direction. That first evening I became the peeping tom...Bella, she was dreaming of me, mumbling my name.

"Stay," she sighed. "Don't go. Please...don't go."

That was the night she changed me, the rare and permanent thing that you could never give back. It was love, and no matter how many years pass, hundreds, thousands, tens of thousands, I would forever love this one girl.

I gazed at her unconscious face, reminding myself of the love that had settled into every portion of my stone body that night. If I loved her though, then I was strong enough to leave her because that is what would be best. Loving her would not keep me from killing her, if I let myself make mistakes, like I did this week, she could be killed. Though, it would not be intentional, only a horrible accident. Obviously, I am capable of making mistakes. In only an half hour of speaking with her for the first time I slipped up twice.