Midnight Sun (Twilight #1.5)(146)

"But how can it be so easy now?" she asked, pure curiosity in her eyes, "This afternoon..."

"It's not easy," I sighed, "But this afternoon, I was still... undecided. I am sorry about that; it was unforgiveable for me to behave so." Before the self chastisement could commence she was quickly disagreeing, "Not unforgiveable."

She was ever so self sacrificing, "Thank you," I smiled, "You see," I continued, taking my eyes from her so she couldn't read the chagrin, "I wasn't sure if I was strong enough..."

I reached out and pulled her hand to my face, letting it warm my cheek, "And while there was still that possibility that I might be...overcome" I sucked in the air at her wrist, letting it envelope me, "I was...susceptible. Until I made up my mind that I was strong enough, that there was no possibility at all that I would...that I ever could..." I couldn't say the words that would condemn me.

"So there's no possibility now?" she asked, hope in her voice.

"Mind over matter," I repeated, and smiled at her, even though it wasn't completely true.

"Wow, that was easy," she said, amused.

Unbelievable, I threw my head back and chuckled in whispers at the ceiling.

"Easy for you!" I told her as I lightly touched the tip of her nose with my finger.

The touch sent electricity through me, like it always does when we touch. She needed to understand though, that it wasn't easy for me at all, I had been fighting with so many desires when I was around her I was unsure if I could constantly keep them all caged.

"I'm trying," I whispered to her and to my thoughts, "If it gets to be...too much, I'm fairly sure I'll be able to leave."

Who was I kidding? Would I ever be able to leave this wonderful soul now that I found her? I would never find someone like her again. She frowned at me then.

"And it will be harder tomorrow," I continued, "I've had the scent of you in my head all day, and I've grown amazingly desensitized. If I'm away from you for any length of time, I'll have to start over again. Not quite from scratch, though. I think" I explained to her.

I wanted her to realize that I am still a blood drinking killer, and that her blood was still the sweetest of them all.

"Don't go away, then," she pleaded.

More than happy, I replied, "That suits me," and I smiled at her loving face, "Bring on the shackles - I'm your prisoner."

I encompassed my hands around her wrists. I laughed quietly.

"You seem more...optimistic than usual," she ascertained, "I haven't seen you like this before."

"Isn't it supposed to be like this?" I grinned widely, "The glory of first love, and all that. It's incredible, isn't it, the difference between reading about something, seeing it in the pictures, and experiencing it?"

If this was not love, I would like to know what it was. I had never felt so euphoric before.

"Very different," she agreed, "More forceful than I'd imagined."

"For example: the emotion of jealousy; I've read about it a hundred thousand times, seen actors portray it in a thousand different plays and movies. I believed I understood that one pretty clearly. But it shocked me..." I frowned, remembering how all the boys in town lined up for Bella, "Do you remember the day Mike asked you to the dance?"

She was looking intently at me. She nodded, "The day you started talking to me again."

"I was surprised by the flare of resentment, almost fury that I felt - I didn't recognize what it was at first. I was even more aggravated than usual that I couldn't know what you were thinking, why you refused him. Was it simply for your friend's sake? Was there someone else? I knew I had no right to care either way. I tried not to care. And then the line started forming," I laughed at the memory of her face as she became angrier each time someone asked her to the dance.

Bella frowned at the memory.

"I waited, unreasonably anxious to hear what you would say to them, to watch your expressions. I couldn't deny the relief I felt, watching the annoyance on your face. But I couldn't be sure.

"That was the first night I came here. I wrestled all night, while watching you sleep, with the chasm between what I knew was right, moral, ethical, and what I wanted. I knew if I continued to ignore you as I should or if I left for a few years, till you were gone, that someday you would say yes to Mike or someone like him. It made me angry."

"And then," I whispered, "as you were sleeping, you said my name. You spoke so clearly, at first I thought you'd woken. But you rolled over restlessly and mumbled my name once more, and sighed. The feeling that coursed through me then was unnerving, staggering. And I knew I couldn't ignore you any longer."

During my small speech, Bella's heart began to pound, and her pulse began to race, I continued, "But jealousy...it's a strange thing. So much more powerful than I would have thought. And irrational. Just now, when Charlie asked you about that vile Mike Newton..." I shook my head, I absolutely hated that kid.

"I should have known you'd be listening," she grumbled.

"Of course," I said, it should be obvious.

"That made you feel jealous, though, really?" she asked, skeptical.

Irrational, I repeated in my head, "I'm new at this; you're resurrecting the human in me, and everything feels stronger because it's fresh." I tried to explain my illogical thoughts.