Forget About Midnight (Alexa O'Brien, Huntress #9)(96)

“Bit late for that.” I let him lead me along to the bar where he slid onto his favorite stool and patted the one next to him.

The club was just starting to fill up. The Crimson Sin girls were hauling their gear onto the stage. Josh, the bartender, placed a tequila bottle and a shot glass in front of Willow.

“Nice to see you back,” Josh said, a mouthful for a man of few words who rarely spoke to any of us.

Willow grinned. “Nice to be back.” He slammed back two shots of tequila before turning to me. “I can’t stay long, but I needed to come by and make sure you’re ok. And you are ok. You must know that.”

“Ok? I’ve killed people who didn’t deserve it. I’ve made some of the worst choices of my life in the last week alone. And to top it off, I’ve successfully alienated every man I’ve had an intimate relationship with. I’m not ok.” Eyeing the tequila bottle, I was envious that his escape could be found in a bottle while mine was inside anyone with a heartbeat or enough juice to give me a power high.

“Words have power, Alexa. What you speak, you create. Positive and negative intents and declarations manifest a reaction. Haven’t you figured that out yet?” Willow frowned at the next shot he poured. “Too bad you can’t partake. I’m going to miss that.”

“I miss it too. I have a new addiction now. Darkness.” Sure I was bitter. It had been a hell of a week. As if death wasn’t bad enough, I’d had to take it a step further and destroy everything I touched as well.

Willow took the shot and slammed the glass down. The gold flecks in his eyes glittered against the red. “It’s not the darkness you’re addicted to. It’s the misery. I know this well.”

Pondering this, I watched the front entry. Part of me expected Kale to walk in any moment. Old habits would die hard.

I didn’t doubt that Willow was right. His wisdom came from a place older than time. It warmed me to discover that side of him had survived.

“Can I ask you something?” He slid a curious glance my way. “Falon… was that the misery, or was it something deeper than that?”

The evil inside the FPA building, my hunger for blood and power, my reckless spirit: all of these things played a role in what happened with Falon. However, it all boiled down to just one thing.

“I used him,” I admitted. “He was there. He had what I wanted, and I used him. But the best part was that I didn’t have to feel bad about it, because it was him. And I don’t. I want to, but I don’t feel bad. I don’t feel anything.”

My thoughts went to Shaz. I never wanted to taint our relationship by using him as a food source. It had happened anyway. Though he’d enjoyed it, that didn’t make it right. The dynamic between us had shifted. Using him that way was not something I would ever be entirely comfortable with. But with Falon, that could never be an issue. I felt nothing for him other than contempt.

Willow nodded and reached to capture my hand in his. “I can’t tell you what you should or should not do, but I must remind you of one thing. You are here for great things. God has no use for perfect people in this day. That’s why there aren’t any. He is found in the beauty of the broken.”

Conflicted, I turned his advice over in my mind. “I died to stop Shya. Now I’m being driven mad by the shift in the light and dark inside me. I’m beyond broken, Willow. I’m shattered.”

His eyes narrowed as he frowned and made a tsking noise at me. “Haven’t you figured it out yet? The light and the dark cannot reign equal in one heart. Eventually, one must reign alone.”

“Easier said than done.” My voice rose with my rising desperation. I didn’t want wise words meant to enlighten. I wanted a quick fix. Now. Patience has never been my virtue. “It’s like a war going on inside me. And I don’t even know which side I want to win anymore. It’s easier to just stop caring.”

“Well, yeah. Of course it is. Because that’s the dark talking. It doesn’t want you to care. People who care fight the hardest.” He spun the empty shot glass with a finger until it toppled over and skittered onto the floor behind the bar. Willow flashed an apologetic smile at Josh who picked it up with a frown.

“What’s it like for you now?” I asked, afraid of the answer.

On the surface he seemed like the Willow I’d known before, but the oily, demon power clinging to him and the faint scent of sulfur made it impossible to deny the truth. He wasn’t the same any more than I was. In our efforts to overthrow Shya’s plan, we’d both come out tainted by evil. Willow’s sacrifice had been much greater than mine.

“I’m still me,” he said, reaching for the tequila bottle as if to confirm that statement. “I still have free will. There’s no rule that says I must do the things my dark brothers are doing. However, there is now a part of me that wants to. There are new desires, new sins, horrible thoughts and rash actions. I imagine it’s quite similar to what you’re experiencing. The difference though is that it’s too late for me. It is not too late for you.”

He caught my gaze and held it. There was a silent plea in his red eyes. He had given himself to the darkness for me. Letting him down was not an option.

I squeezed his hand, finding strength in his familiar, friendly touch. “I hope you’re right about that.” I searched him, a question dancing on the tip of my tongue. “Why haven’t you gone after Shya yet? I mean, you must owe him one hell of an ass kicking.”