Forget About Midnight (Alexa O'Brien, Huntress #9)(94)

“Yeah, well, don’t give me a reason to regret it.”

Without guidance Gabriel was lost. Having only Shya, who did not have his best interests at heart, he was isolated in his newness. I felt bad for him. Kale had kept me from being alone in those first dark days, and now Arys was waiting for me to trust him.

I gave Gabriel strict instruction to be safely inside The Wicked Kiss before sunrise. Harley’s old room and now Kale’s were both empty. I told him to take Harley’s. It was just as well. Both rooms harbored bad memories for me, but Harley’s was worse. I’d woken up as a vampire there.

With my attention on Gabriel and ensuring he obeyed my instruction, I didn’t notice Shaz pull his phone from his pocket. I vaguely noticed when he turned away, staring at the screen. But I sure as hell noticed when he turned back to me looking like he’d just seen a ghost.

“Lex?” That one word was loaded with unspoken questions. His expression was frozen somewhere between fear and horror.

My insides shriveled. This was it. The moment I discovered if handing Briggs over to Shya was worth it. My video had been leaked.

Chapter Twenty-Four

Needless to say, the drive over to The Wicked Kiss was uncomfortable. A strained silence plagued us. There was nothing I could say.

Having failed to find Jez at The Spirit Room, I was going to get my car from where she and Shaz had left it at the vampire bar. Then I was going to track her down, starting with her apartment. But I couldn’t leave Shaz with that image in his head without saying a word.

Afraid to force the conversation, I left him to stew on his feelings until he was ready to talk. Only when we pulled into the parking lot at The Wicked Kiss did he finally speak.

“Help me understand,” he said, his voice strangled with tightly reined emotion. “What was it? The evil in the building? The bloodlust? Tell me what happened there.”

We parked at the end of the lot, facing the brick siding of the building next door. I stared at the dark-red brick pattern, knowing that I could never make him understand what it felt like to have a constant war between light and dark going on inside my mind, my heart, my soul.

“Yes, it was both of those things, in a way.” I turned in my seat to face him. It was hard to meet his tortured green gaze. “But mostly, it was escape. It was the chance to forget who I was. For a while.”

Shaz fisted a handful of his hair. Turning off the engine, he leaned against the door, facing me head on. “With Falon? You hate him. At least, I thought you did.”

“I despise everything about him. That’s what made it so easy. There was no emotional connection. No fragile feelings. No guilt. Just… nothing.” What I didn’t say was that it had been a welcome reprieve from the struggle. Like a time out when, for just a few minutes, I didn’t have to be me.

Shaz looked ill. His breathing was fast and erratic. The adrenaline thrumming through him gave his energy a frazzled quality. “I know it wasn’t you. You would never do something so messed up. It’s your dark side. It’s worse than I thought it would be.” His head dropped back against the window with a dull thud. “I feel like I’m going to throw up.”

“You and me both,” I said. “I did throw up. Kind of. Briggs probably edited that part out.” Studying Shaz, I found that there was now a glint of repulsion in his eyes when he looked at me, one that hadn’t been there before. “Shaz, one thing you have to realize now is that I am my dark side. This isn’t something it made me do. It’s something I wanted to do.”

His expression tightened, like I’d just told him the worst news he could have possibly received. “But it’s your dark side that makes you feel that way. It’s not you. You’re light. Wolf.”

The desperate tremor in his voice pained me. But it only went so deep before it just felt numb. It was so much easier to shut down than to feel each scalding emotion.

“I’m both, Shaz. That’s what makes it so f*cked up. When Willow took my darkness, it kept me from being consumed by it. It left me with the light and dark balance I’ve been struggling with since Arys and I found each other. But worse. It created a Jekyll and Hyde effect. Everything is stronger now. More intense. I am both the vampire and the wolf, but they are in constant battle inside me, Shaz. I know what I am, but I don’t know who I am anymore.”

He slammed a fist into the dashboard. Pure wolf eyes landed on me. “It won’t always be this way. Let Arys help you, Lex. He said it would be worse in the beginning. I refuse to believe you’re a lost cause.”

A sad smile crossed my face. “I am a cold-blooded killer, Shaz. Never believe otherwise.”

“Stop that,” he snapped. “Why are you talking like that? Are you just giving up? We’re all killers, Lex. Even me. Don’t delude yourself into thinking you’re the bad guy now. That isn’t who you are.”

I recognized the truth of his words. Yet, I also knew there was more to it than that. “But I like it, Shaz. That’s the part that makes me a monster. I f*cking love it.”

“So does Arys, but he’s not running amok like a f*cking lunatic slaughtering college kids and f*cking fallen angels.” A growl made his words sound as vicious as they were. Shaz might be a genuine, sweet guy, but he wasn’t a pushover. I admired that.

“No,” I agreed. “Just killing Feds and strippers. He has done things you and I can’t even wrap our minds around.”