Eclipse (Twilight #3)(153)

I made an effort to smile. "Until my heart stops beating."

He grinned back. "You know, I think maybe I'd still take you - maybe. I guess that depends on how much you stink."

"Should I come back to see you? Or would you rather I didn't?"

"I'll think it through and get back to you," he said. "I might need the company to keep from going crazy. The vampire surgeon extraordinaire says I can't phase until he gives the okay - it might mess up the way the bones are set." Jacob made a face.

"Be good and do what Carlisle tells you to do. You'll get well faster."

"Sure, sure."

"I wonder when it will happen," I said. "When the right girl is going to catch your eye."

"Don't get your hopes up, Bella." Jacob's voice was abruptly sour. "Though I'm sure it would be a relief for you."

"Maybe, maybe not. I probably won't think she's good enough for you. I wonder how jealous I'll be."

"That part might be kind of fun," he admitted.

"Let me know if you want me to come back, and I'll be here," I promised.

With a sigh, he turned his cheek toward me.

I leaned in and kissed his face softly. "Love you, Jacob."

He laughed lightly. "Love you more."

He watched me walk out of his room with an unfathomable expression in his black eyes.

Chapter 27. NEEDS

I DIDN'T GET VERY FAR BEFORE DRIVING BECAME IMPOSsible.

When I couldn't see anymore, I let my tires find the rough shoulder and rolled slowly to a stop. I slumped over on the seat and allowed the weakness I'd fought in Jacob's room crush me. It was worse that I'd thought - the force of it took me by surprise. Yes, I had been right to hide this from Jacob. No one should ever see this.

But I wasn't alone for very long - just exactly long enough for Alice to see me here, and then the few minutes it took him to arrive. The door creaked open, and he pulled me into his arms.

At first it was worse. Because there was that smaller part of me - smaller, but getting louder and angrier every minute, screaming at the rest of me - that craved a different set of arms. So then there was fresh guilt to season the pain.

He didn't say anything, he just let me sob until I began to blubber out Charlie's name.

"Are you really ready to go home?" he asked doubtfully.

I managed to convey, after several attempts, that it wasn't going to get any better anytime soon. I needed to get past Charlie before it got late enough for him to call Billy.

So he drove me home - for once not even getting close to my truck's internal speed limit - keeping one arm wrapped tightly around me. The whole way, I fought for control. It seemed to be a doomed effort at first, but I didn't give up. Just a few seconds, I told myself. Just time for a few excuses, or a few lies, and then I could break down again. I had to be able to do that much. I scrambled around in my head, searching desperately for a reserve of strength.

There was just enough for me to quiet the sobs - hold them back but not end them. The tears didn't slow. I couldn't seem to find any handle to even begin to work with those.

"Wait for me upstairs," I mumbled when we were in front of the house.

He hugged me closer for one minute, and then he was gone.

Once inside, I headed straight for the stairs.

"Bella?" Charlie called after me from his usual place on the sofa as I walked by.

I turned to look at him without speaking. His eyes bugged wide, and he lurched to his feet.

"What happened? Is Jacob . . . ?" he demanded.

I shook my head furiously, trying to find my voice. "He's fine, he's fine," I promised, my voice low and husky. And Jacob was fine, physically, which is all Charlie was worried about at the moment.

"But what happened?" He grabbed my shoulders, his eyes still anxious and wide. "What happened to you?"

I must look worse than I'd imagined.

"Nothing, Dad. I . . . just had to talk to Jacob about . . . some things that were hard. I'm fine."

The anxiety calmed, and was replaced by disapproval.

"Was this really the best time?" he asked.

"Probably not, Dad, but I didn't have any alternatives - it just got to the point where I had to choose. . . . Sometimes, there isn't any way to compromise."

He shook his head slowly. "How did he handle it?"

I didn't answer.

He looked at my face for a minute, and then nodded. That must have been answer enough.

"I hope you didn't mess up his recovery."

"He's a quick healer," I mumbled.

Charlie sighed.

I could feel the control slipping.

"I'll be in my room," I told him, shrugging out from underneath his hands.

"'Kay," Charlie agreed. He could probably see the waterworks starting to escalate. Nothing scared Charlie worse than tears.

I made my way to my room, blind and stumbling.

Once inside, I fought with the clasp on my bracelet, trying to undo it with shaking fingers.

"No, Bella," Edward whispered, capturing my hands. "It's part of who you are."

He pulled me into the cradle of his arms as the sobs broke free again.

This longest of days seemed to stretch on and on and on. I wondered if it would ever end.