Eclipse (Twilight #3)(152)

I could see what he saw, and I knew that he was right. If the world was the sane place it was supposed to be, Jacob and I would have been together. And we would have been happy. He was my soul mate in that world - would have been my soul mate still if his claim had not been overshadowed by something stronger, something so strong that it could not exist in a rational world.

Was it out there for Jacob, too? Something that would trump a soul mate? I had to believe that it was.

Two futures, two soul mates . . . too much for any one person. And so unfair that I wouldn't be the only one to pay for it. Jacob's pain seemed too high a price. Cringing at the thought of that price, I wondered if I would have wavered, if I hadn't lost Edward once. If I didn't know what it was like to live without him. I wasn't sure. That knowledge was so deep a part of me, I couldn't imagine how I would feel without it.

"He's like a drug for you, Bella." His voice was still gentle, not at all critical. "I see that you can't live without him now. It's too late. But I would have been healthier for you. Not a drug; I would have been the air, the sun."

The corner of my mouth turned up in a wistful half-smile. "I used to think of you that way, you know. Like the sun. My personal sun. You balanced out the clouds nicely for me."

He sighed. "The clouds I can handle. But I can't fight with an eclipse."

I touched his face, laying my hand against his cheek. He exhaled at my touch and closed his eyes. It was very quiet. For a minute I could hear the beating of his heart, slow and even.

"Tell me the worst part for you," he whispered.

"I think that might be a bad idea."

"Please."

"I think it will hurt."

"Please."

How could I deny him anything at this point?

"The worst part . . ." I hesitated, and then let words spill out in a flood of truth. "The worst part is that I saw the whole thing - our whole life. And I want it bad, Jake, I want it all. I want to stay right here and never move. I want to love you and make you happy. And I can't, and it's killing me. It's like Sam and Emily, Jake - I never had a choice. I always knew nothing would change. Maybe that's why I was fighting against you so hard."

He seemed to be concentrating on breathing evenly.

"I knew I shouldn't have told you that."

He shook his head slowly. "No. I'm glad you did. Thank you." He kissed the top of my head, and then he sighed. "I'll be good now."

I looked up, and he was smiling.

"So you're going to get married, huh?"

"We don't have to talk about that."

"I'd like to know some of the details. I don't know when I'll talk to you again."

I had to wait for a minute before I could speak. When I was pretty sure that my voice wouldn't break, I answered his question.

"It's not really my idea . . . but, yes. It means a lot to him. I figure, why not?"

Jake nodded. "That's true. It's not such a big thing - in comparison."

His voice was very calm, very practical. I stared at him, curious about how he was managing, and that ruined it. He met my eyes for a second, and then twisted his head away. I waited to speak until his breathing was under control.

"Yes. In comparison," I agreed.

"How long do you have left?"

"That depends on how long it takes Alice to pull a wedding together." I suppressed a groan, imagining what Alice would do.

"Before or after?" he asked quietly.

I knew what he meant. "After."

He nodded. This was a relief to him. I wondered how many sleepless nights the thought of my graduation had given him.

"Are you scared?" he whispered.

"Yes," I whispered back.

"What are you afraid of?" I could barely hear his voice now. He stared down at my hands.

"Lots of things." I worked to make my voice lighter, but I stayed honest. "I've never been much of a masochist, so I'm not looking forward to the pain. And I wish there was some way to keep him away - I don't want him to suffer with me, but I don't think there's any way around it. There's dealing with Charlie, too, and Renée. . . . And then afterward, I hope I'll be able to control myself soon. Maybe I'll be such a menace that the pack will have to take me out."

He looked up with a disapproving expression. "I'd hamstring any one of my brothers who tried."

"Thanks."

He smiled halfheartedly. Then he frowned. "But isn't it more dangerous than that? In all of the stories, they say it's too hard . . . they lose control . . . people die. . . ." He gulped.

"No, I'm not afraid of that. Silly Jacob - don't you know better than to believe vampire stories?"

He obviously didn't appreciate my attempt at humor.

"Well, anyway, lots to worry about. But worth it, in the end."

He nodded unwillingly, and I knew that he in no way agreed with me.

I stretched my neck up to whisper in his ear, laying my cheek against his warm skin. "You know I love you."

"I know," he breathed, his arm tightening automatically around my waist. "You know how much I wish it was enough."

"Yes."

"I'll always be waiting in the wings, Bella," he promised, lightening his tone and loosening his arm. I pulled away with a dull, dragging sense of loss, feeling the tearing separation as I left a part of me behind, there on the bed next to him. "You'll always have that spare option if you want it."