Blonde & Blue (Alexa O'Brien, Huntress #4)(74)

Kale didn’t let me put space between us. He was determined to get out everything he had to say while he had the chance.

“Alexa, not once in the time I’ve known you have you given yourself to any man that you didn’t somehow feel for. Look me in the eye and tell me that you don’t love me.”

When a friend becomes a lover, they already know so much about you. I fell into Kale’s amazing eyes. He waited for my response with a forced calm. I could sense the tension he held.

He was right. I had never slept with a man I didn’t have genuine feelings for. Four of them, each so different from the others. And, I loved them all. Even Raoul, despite everything he’d done. Sure, many people loved more than one person in their lifetime. But me? I was clearly a classic case of f**ked up beyond all repair.

I couldn’t bring myself to lie to him. It would be easier to walk away from this with a clean break, but it wouldn’t be fair.

“Don’t make me do this. Please.” I pleaded. “I can’t.”

“Say it, and I will go on as if nothing ever happened.” He grasped a lock of my disheveled hair, sliding it between his fingers. “Tell me you don’t love me.”

I let out a frustrated growl. Why couldn’t I damn well say it? “I don’t love you, Kale.” There. That was excruciatingly hard. The moment the words left my lips, I knew it was also a lie.

“Liar,” he hissed before kissing me again, a bruising crush of his lips to mine. “I wish you were telling the truth. It would make it easier to walk away. I know that’s what you want.”

The raw emotion in his voice cut deep. Kale was in agony. Over me. It was all wrong because he was so far above and beyond me. As self-deprecating as it was, I couldn’t help but feel he was cheating himself of something better.

“What I want is for you to be happy with someone who can give you what you need. I want us to be the way we were … before that night in the rain.” I reached to lay a hand on his face, surprised when he turned his head to avoid my touch. “I don’t want to be the one who hurt you.”

Capturing my hand in his, he pressed a chaste kiss along my fingertips. “It’s too late for that. I don’t live in a fantasy world. I’m fully aware that you’re spoken for as wolf and vampire. But what about the woman I’ve watched struggle and suffer? The one that shares with me what can never be shared with the men that claim her? Where does that part of you belong?”

The words tumbled forth before I realized what I was saying. “That part of me belongs with you. But, it isn’t that simple. If there were ever a time for us, Kale, it wouldn’t be right now.”

He nodded solemnly, but there was relief in his eyes. “I know. I just need to hear you say it. Tell me what I am to you.”

I was overcome by the flash of melancholy energy that bound us. His emotions were running high as were my own. It was impossible not to vibe off each other as we were tossed by a tornado of passion and pain.

I was tired from days of stress and overwhelmed by the betrayal of my own heart. When had I fallen for Kale? And, why did I feel so certainly that walking away from what we had was the right thing to do?

“You’re everything to me that I wish I could be for you. You bring me comfort when I need it, and you set me free from the restraints I impose on myself. If things were different somehow, you’d be the one.” I almost choked on the words as I watched the shadows darken his expression. “I’m sorry. I don’t want it to be this way, but there is just no other way it can be. Not right now. It’s better for both of us. You know it is.”

Kale was silent, studying me so intently that I felt itchy and uncomfortable. Just when I thought he was going to push me away, he pulled me tight against him. The sensation of his arms around me was bittersweet. I stood stiffly for a moment before melting into his embrace.

He ran a hand through my hair as if he didn’t notice what a mess it was. “I’m the one with centuries of experience. Why do you get to be the one that’s right about this?”

“Just lucky I guess.”

His soft laughter was forced. “If it makes any difference, I fought it every step of the way until there was just no denying it anymore. I didn’t want us to end up this way.”

With a heavy sigh, I held him with a fierce grip. “I adore you.” Maybe it wasn’t the right thing to say, all things considered.

Time passed as we stood there clinging to one another. I would have been happy to drag the moment out far longer than was realistic. If I didn’t disentangle myself from him soon, I might never leave his room. The peace that I found in Kale engulfed me, tempting me to surrender to him fully. I couldn’t.

A physical ache started in my stomach when at last I pulled away. Just one last kiss, I told myself. Then it was time to close the door on what Kale and I shared. The thought filled me with anguish, and for once, both the wolf and the vampire within me lay silent. Their influence was absent, leaving me feeling bare and vulnerable. I couldn’t blame my feelings on either side.

I kissed him with everything I had. My hands shook as I held his face. The soft touch of his tongue on mine was dizzying. I drank him in, savoring the heat that rose up between us. My power came alive, reaching for him. Falling into him was like stepping off the edge of a cliff. The freefall felt amazing, but I feared the impact I knew was coming.