Avoiding Commitment (Avoiding #1)(144)
When Jack left her dorm, Lexi felt as if all the air had been sucked out of the room. She collapsed back against the couch and stared at the door he exited through until her eyes stung from not blinking enough. What had she done? What had he made her do? How could he force her hand in such a way? So many questions ran through her mind. She didn't know which to focus on first. What she did know was that he had hurt her...he'd hurt her worse than ever before. This was worse than him lying about Danielle, seducing her into lying to Spencer and Clark, refraining from telling her that Kate was a virgin, from telling her he loved her much too late...this was worse than it all.
And she had meant what she said. She couldn't look at him right now without hurting. Sure she felt betrayed because of him sleeping with Stella, but she was just as angry with herself. When he'd given her a chance for them to be together, she had been scared and thought it would be safer to try it out without an official title. Look how that had back fired in her face. She wasn't so sure if things would have been different though. She might have just saved herself some heartache, because had her boyfriend cheated on her it would have been worse than Jack sleeping with some other girl. At least she wanted to delude herself into believing that it would have been different.
What pissed her off the most was that she hadn't truly wanted him to leave. He was a part of her now. She had told him not to come back unless he had something better to say, but she was terrified that he never would. No one pushed Jack around. He did what he wanted when he wanted and she just happened to be on the wrong end of things this time around. What if she had pushed him away to the point that he never came back? They certainly had been through enough drama that she wouldn't...couldn't blame him if he wanted a fresh start. But she didn't want that with anyone else but Jack.
She had made up her mind a long time ago that Jack was the only man for her. If they had gotten though this far, then they could make it through anything. But he had been with Stella when he had known he could have her. What kind of guy does that?
She shook her head. She had been in that exact position on a number of occasions with Clark. She knew how easy it could be to just escape with Jack when she couldn't be around Clark. As wrong as she knew it was, she hadn't been able to stop herself. She had always thought that desperation came from wanting Jack, but maybe things were different with him. Perhaps he had always done it because he enjoyed the cloak and dagger effect of hiding and running away from his life with her.
Was that all she had been for all those years?
She just couldn't be sure.
Lexi wasn't sure how many hours had passed as she sat rooted to her place on the sofa. Claire and Elizabeth moseyed in at some point chatting about how amazingly wild Chyna's party had been. They attempted to coax a response out of her but she sat like a statue as they carried on about their night. Rachelle eventually resurfaced and, after seeing the blank look on Lexi's face, ushered the others out of the living room. Lexi didn't ever have a smile for her though she did appreciate the gesture. She did not, however, appreciate Rachelle's own efforts to find out what had happened between her and Jack. Lexi just glared at her as she rattled off outrageous scenarios.
"Get the f**k out of here Ray," she growled speaking for the first time.
"This isn't healthy. I wasn't sure if you even could speak. If you won't speak to me, I'm calling Chyna and getting her over here. Maybe she can talk some sense into you," she grumbled stomping into Lexi's room.
Lexi didn't even have the energy to stop her. What did it matter if Chyna came over? That wasn't bringing Jack back to her and if it did, it wasn't going to take back what had happened last night. She continued staring forward at the TV which, at some point, had been switched on to a terrible Soap Opera. She didn't recognize what was going on and after a couple minutes all the colors began to blur together. She knew her roommates were talking about her in the other room, but she couldn't concentrate enough to make out what they were saying. It didn't matter anyway.
"Oh honey," Chyna cried as soon as she burst through the door. She rushed across the room and sat on the couch next to Lexi. "What happened to you?" Lexi felt her wrap her arms around her and squeeze. She let her, but it still didn't matter. "How long has she been like this?" Chyna anxiously questioned glancing over the couch at her worried roommates.
Claire shrugged and glanced towards Rachelle who answered, "I'm not sure. Jack left around eleven. I heard the door slam. So I guess since then."
"Eleven in the morning?" she screeched. "And you're just calling me now why? It's nearly six o'clock."
That surprised Lexi. She hadn't realized she had been here that long...an hour at the most. Where had the time gone? Had Jack called? She didn't ask any of these questions just remained seated staring blankly ahead.
"Sorry," Rachelle mumbled. The other two girls didn't even respond just huddled behind their friend. "I didn't know what was going on with her."
"Whatever," Chyna stated dismissively. "Alexa, hey, look at me." Chyna gently turned her head to face her. Lexi's brown eyes were blank and bloodshot as if she had been crying, but every other indication was vacant. "What happened?" Lexi just stared at her friend. "It's okay. You can tell me if you want, but you don't have to."
Lexi could tell she was worried. Chyna's voice was cracking with concern. She had never seen Lexi this way. That's because Lexi had never felt this way. She felt comatose almost as if she no longer needed anything to sustain her body. She could just stare off into open space indefinitely and nothing else would matter. Maybe nothing else did matter.