Always Loving You (Danvers #6)(57)
Breaking his hold on her, she whirled around, trying to see his face in the darkness of the room. “What? Mac—no!”
He ran a hand through his hair, gripping the ends as if he wanted to pull it from his scalp. Ava reached over and turned on the lamp, bathing the room in a soft glow. She needed to see his face, needed to understand what he was saying. “Shit, I’m not telling you this to make you feel guilty. You were the victim, not me. I just . . . I couldn’t get it out of my head. I still have a hard time dealing with it. The only reason I’m admitting this to you is to show you that there is no need to pretend with me. I understand how bad it was, maybe better than maybe anyone else. I know that trying to file something like that away without acknowledging it will eat you alive. It’s a testament to how strong you are that you’ve not only made it but excelled despite it.”
Sitting back on her heels, she whispered, “But I haven’t, Mac. I’ve loved you for most of my life, yet I kept pushing you away and doing crazy stuff to show you that I was perfectly normal and functioning instead of admitting that I didn’t know how to be what you needed. As soon as my grandfather got me home that night, he drummed into me that I needed to forget I was raped. No, actually, he never used that word at all. He called it an incident. It was as if he were talking about something as simple as a fender bender or a speeding ticket. That ‘incident’ he said would just embarrass me and the family and nothing would be done to the boy who did it anyway. I think he actually believed that he was doing me a favor by just making the whole thing go away. The boy who raped me got a free ride out of town with his family and that was that. You know, maybe the worst part was the aftermath. My grandfather never looked me in the eye again after that. I just tried to make myself invisible while he was around.”
“Oh, baby.” Mac rubbed her leg gently. “I’m so sorry he didn’t stand up for you. He was always a cold man. For so long neither my parents nor I could figure out how in the hell everything had just been swept under the rug. I wanted to come to you, but you disappeared from my life. Before, I saw you almost every day, but afterward, no matter how many times I came over or hung around in your favorite spots, you were never there. You went from being the girl I had spent the last few years waiting to grow up to the haunted woman that I couldn’t get out of my head or my heart. I’ve loved you for most of my life, and I’ve never known how to live without you, Avie—I never wanted to. I just didn’t know how to reach you after that. When Declan decided to join the military, I figured maybe it was better for you and me both if I did something like that as well. There wasn’t a day that you weren’t right there with me, though.
“When I got out and we started spending time together again, I thought maybe our moment had finally arrived, but you gave no indications that you felt anything for me other than friendship. Even though you never had a regular man in your life, you seemed to be functioning okay, so I had to accept after a while that it was just me, that you didn’t feel for me what I always felt for you. I tried to let you go, so many times I tried, but it always came back to you . . . always.”
Ava launched herself into his arms, wrapping her legs around his waist. “I love you, Mac. You’ve been the only man in my life since I was old enough to have my first crush. I’m so sorry for what loving me has put you through. I . . . I was scared for so long. Even if I didn’t show it, loving you was all that got me through those lonely years. I wanted to be better . . . to be normal so that I could be someone who you deserved. When you left me for Gwen, I just couldn’t let you go.” Grimacing, she added, “I have the scars to prove it.”
“Oh, Avie.” Mac put his hand on the back of her neck, keeping her eyes locked with his. “I love you too, baby. You’re the only woman, well, aside from my mother, who has ever heard those words from me. I’m sorry if my decision to date Gwen hurt you. I didn’t think you were ever going to return my feelings, and I know now that I was just trying to numb the pain. I hate like hell that I hurt both you and Gwen in the process. I want you to know that Gwen and I . . . we never had sex.” He looked at her intently. “I haven’t been a saint, baby, but I think that I knew even before I acknowledged it to myself that I couldn’t have a real relationship unless it was with you.”
“I love you,” she whispered as she stroked his cheek. “Being here with you makes me feel safe, like no one could ever hurt me again.”
“Avie, I’ve kept a watch on the bastard who attacked you for years, and he hasn’t so much as crossed the South Carolina line. You don’t have to be afraid of him anymore.”
“He told me that if I ever told anyone about what happened, he would come for me. I think that was one reason why I let my grandfather make it go away. I was scared that he meant it. But after a while, I started worrying about him doing that to someone else. What if by me being a coward, I let the same thing happen again? I don’t think I could ever forgive myself. Have you . . . heard anything about him?”
Ava thought it was strange that Mac suddenly seemed uncomfortable with their conversation. Maybe it bothered him to talk about what had happened to her. It had certainly been an emotional evening for both of them. So she let him pull her closer and gather her up in his arms.
She also knew that if Mac knew something he would have told her immediately. Sinking into his chest, she refused to give another moment of their time together to the monster who had ruined so much of her life. As Mac settled in bed behind her, she didn’t notice that he’d never answered her question.