Always Loving You (Danvers #6)(52)
“I could teach you,” Emma offered.
Surprised, Ava asked, “Really? Like how . . . No! I don’t want to know. Please, let’s just change the subject.”
Grinning at her slip, Emma said, “Okay, but if you change your mind . . . So, anyway, what happened with the whole bad dream thing this morning? I mean, do you remember what you were dreaming about when you went postal?”
Ava sat back in her chair, flipping a paper clip between her fingers. “Yeah, it was . . . about the guy who raped me. It wasn’t like the first time I’ve dreamed about it, but this was different, more like it was happening now, and I was defending myself. It was still him, though. I was so determined that he wouldn’t win this time. I was fighting him with everything I had. Mac finally woke me up by yelling at me to stop and had to keep me from ripping him apart. He . . . he had blood dripping down his face, Em. I let him keep things light afterward, but I seriously wanted to have a huge crying fit knowing that I’d done that to him. I just don’t understand why it happened.”
All seriousness now, Emma moved to the edge of her seat, her eyes full of support and sympathy. “It might have scared you, and it most assuredly scared Mac, but I don’t think it’s that strange, considering what happened to you—”
“I get that,” Ava interrupted, “but before when I dreamed about . . . him, it was just flashbacks, bits and pieces of what happened. Never once have I dreamed of fighting back. Of being pissed at what was happening to me. I was always helpless in the other dreams, but this one, I never felt that way. I felt like I could save myself . . . you know, if I just fought hard enough.”
“But you’ve never slept with a man since that happened to you, right?”
Dropping her head to her desk, Ava shook her head. “No, I haven’t. God, that was so long ago. It seems pathetic that I’ve kept myself in some self-imposed prison since then. I mean, I know everyone understood it for a while, but after a few years, I could see the pity in their eyes. They were starting to worry about me. Wondering if I would ever be the same. Both Brant and Declan tried to talk to me, but it was so damn awkward for all of us that eventually we avoided the subject. It’s why I created this big bullshit illusion that I was normal again. I couldn’t have them and Mac thinking that I was still messed up over the whole thing. I didn’t want people feeling sorry for me. After I had the first fake overnighter, things were better. I made sure everyone knew it and I could almost hear their sighs of relief.
“When Mac came back from the military and opened his company, I knew that he kept an eye on me, so I continued doing it. A fake guy every now and again kept him from getting too close. I was too messed up for a real relationship, so it put him at arm’s length, but I had our friendship. No pressure, nothing messy to deal with. But he was in my life in some way.” Ava had told Emma in one of her weaker moments about her arrangement with the college guys who came over every few months, so the other woman knew well how far she had taken her efforts to appear normal to her friends and family.
“Ava, I believe you’ve pretty much answered your own question. After all this time, you suddenly have a man in your bed. You’ve actually let someone close to you without faking it. Your mind is probably scrambling to keep up with all these new developments. I would be more surprised if you weren’t having some kind of issues adjusting. I mean, it’s amazing that you finally realized that you needed to do something before you lost Mac, but maybe that big step has been a little harder than even you’ve realized.” Giving Ava a beaming smile, she added, “I’m proud as hell of you, though. You went after what you wanted and you’re living again. Shit, you’re as different as night and day from when I first met you.”
Curious, Ava asked, “I am? How do you mean?”
Rolling her eyes, Emma said, “Honey, you were always one of two ways. Either really tense or really depressed. There didn’t seem to be much middle ground there. I figured that like your brother, you were probably eating antacids by the handful. Even when you were being all bitchy or condescending, I still wanted to give you a hug. Underneath the whole tough exterior, you seemed so sad. I think your brothers, bless their hearts, knew something wasn’t right, but in typical male fashion, they just didn’t know what to do about it. Now, even after attempting to strangle Mac this morning, you’re glowing. You look happy.”
Ava was deeply touched by Emma’s words. Especially since she wasn’t used to having heart-to-heart talks with anyone, and she had to admit that it felt good. Maybe if she had had a sister to turn to after her attack, it would have helped her recovery. Emma was right about one thing, though—talking about your feelings to a guy just didn’t happen, or at least it hadn’t happened for her with her brothers. She’d caught both Declan and Brant looking at her thoughtfully on more than one occasion through the years, but they never gave voice to their thoughts. Having their sister break down in front of them was probably right up there as one of their worst fears. She couldn’t really fault them, though. She knew that they loved her and would be there in a minute if she asked. They were good boys who had grown into outstanding men. Blinking back the moisture in her eyes, she said, “Thanks, Em, for everything. For listening to me and putting up with my moods every day. No matter what I say to the contrary, I love working with you and having you in the family.”