Always Loving You (Danvers #6)(61)
Emma laid a hand on her shoulder, giving it a gentle squeeze as she said, “Tell him the truth, Ava. I think you both need it.” Emma released her and then stepped over to kiss Brant on the cheek before leaving the room.
Patting the chair next to hers, Ava said, “Sit down, Brant. I think we need to talk, and I’d rather do it without you pacing.”
Brant looked as though he wanted to argue but instead took the chair that she had indicated. “Tell me what I’ve missed with you, Ava,” he said quietly.
Ava took a deep breath, knowing that this was going to be hard on both of them. She and Brant didn’t really have heart-to-heart conversations about their feelings or personal life, so this was awkward, but she needed him to know. “I’ve had a hard time living a normal life since my . . . rape.” She saw the flinch that Brant was unable to hide at her words, but he kept quiet, letting her continue. “At first, I just buried it all deep inside because that’s what I was ordered to do by Granddad. I was too scared and ashamed to talk to anyone about it anyway.
“Granddad made me feel like it was all my fault and that was why we couldn’t tell the police the truth. He made sure he let me know how humiliated I would be if our friends and family found out. I felt so dirty, like I was responsible for what happened to me.
“For years, I buried it away as best I could and learned to pretend that it never happened. As I started getting older, it became harder. I knew that people were beginning to wonder why I never dated or had a man in my life.” When Brant shifted uncomfortably, Ava realized that Brant had had similar thoughts. “So I went to a bar in hopes of meeting a man I felt safe enough around to spend time with. Without going into many details, I met a college student instead who was sweet and felt sorry for me. He was also broke and in need of spending money, as were his friends. Before long, I had a steady line of young men who were more than willing to spend a few hours with me when I needed them. They worked around my apartment, making repairs or if nothing needed fixing, we watched a movie or played a game. It worked out perfectly. Everyone, including Mac, thought I was functioning normally, and hey, I even got my sink drains fixed anytime I needed it,” Ava joked weakly.
Running a hand through his hair, Brant said, “But . . . why? Ava, I’m missing something here. I was ready to kill that little f*cker Kevin for what he did to you, but Grandfather told me to leave it alone. He said that you never wanted it mentioned again and if I insisted on having Kevin thrown in jail, it would ruin your life. He insisted that I honor your wishes and leave it alone. Ava, I was so sick over the whole thing, but I finally agreed to do what you wanted even though I damn well knew it wasn’t right. He said it was your idea to have Kevin and his family leave because you didn’t want to face any of it.”
Dropping her head into her hands, Ava simply shook her head. “It wasn’t, Brant. God, I was only a scared kid. I was too traumatized to know what to do. I sure wasn’t in any shape to broker a deal with Granddad to salvage my good name. He made me feel so guilty over being attacked that I couldn’t look at you or Declan. And as for Mac, it changed everything there. I had loved him for most of my life, but after that, I never considered myself good enough for him again. As I got older, I couldn’t resist the draw of being near him but only on my terms. I couldn’t let him see how broken I was. I didn’t want him remembering the way I looked that night when I crawled onto his porch and collapsed against his door.”
“But Mac has always loved you, Av,” Brant added. “There’s never been anyone else for him; he’s never made a secret of that.”
Smiling through her tears, Ava admitted, “I know that now. I think I always knew that he loved me, but I couldn’t accept it. I didn’t know how to be loved by him.”
“Oh, Ava,” Brant sighed, looking destroyed. “I never knew what you were going through. Sometimes you would say things or just have a certain look on your face and I would think to myself that I needed to see if you were okay. But then I would see you again and you would seem perfectly normal. My mind would always go back to what Grandfather told me. That you didn’t want to talk about what had happened and I had to respect your wishes. So I did . . . for years. Now I feel like an unfeeling, uncaring bastard.”
“Brant, don’t,” she began before he held up a hand to stop her.
“It’s true, Av. Maybe I just didn’t want to acknowledge what was right in front of me. Let’s face it, I’ve never been good at dealing with anyone’s feelings, and I certainly had no idea how to handle something like that happening to my baby sister. It’s no excuse at all, but I had no clue how to help you. I’m so sorry that I wasn’t a better brother and protector to you.”
Ava took her brother’s hand, squeezing it tightly. “Stop, Brant. I’m not telling you this to heap guilt on your head. I became such an expert at pretending to be okay that I can’t blame people for believing it. You and I both know that I’m a hell of a saleswoman, and I applied that same principle to my personal life. I sold everyone, even myself at times, on the illusion that I was fully recovered from what happened to me and that I was living my life. The scary part is that I don’t know how long I would have continued to do that if not for Mac shaking me up. If he hadn’t decided to move on with his life, I might never have been brave enough to admit that I needed and loved him.”