A Wild Ride (Jessica Brodie Diaries #3)(71)

Figures.

"Oh, well, she has her own company and I am helping her with that. I own stock in it, so when it gets huge I'll be in good shape." It was a half joke, half trying to sound all grown up and awesome.

Dick was excited, but he wasn’t the person I was trying to impress.

Suddenly I just felt tired.

We talked about other things, like what it was like living in Texas, how long we had been together, and other such questions all parents should know. Dick did most of the asking.

After we ran out of the staple questions to ask and answer, the conversation suffered another lull. It hadn’t even been this hard to talk to Denise when I first met her, and she didn’t like me.

Dick said, "Say, Willie, you want me to show you the backyard? We have a great grill set-up that a Texas man is sure to love!"

“Sounds great!” William answered immediately, squeezing my leg in support.

After they were clear of the room, I dove in.

"Mother, what is your problem? Why are you such an...why are you acting this way?"

I was trying for a flat tone, and nailed it. It didn't even phase her.

"Jessica, you were a selfish kid and you are a selfish adult. You and your father were always in a club of two. Apparently you must have forgotten that there were three in the family." She turned her head away from me, unfocused gaze now out the window.

That was a lot more honest and up front than I expected.

"Mother, I was a kid. How could I know any better? Things would have changed when I got older, but we didn't have the time with him."

I hated myself for letting my voice crack when I finished the last sentence. I didn’t really want to have this conversation, but obviously it was the block that had been between us all these years.

"Things would not have changed, Jessica. I wanted a boy, but I had you. Your father was happier with a girl and I was unable to have any more children. Thank goodness for Dick and his son. Now I want to get on with the rest of my life."

"What--? Are you serious right now? Are you not right in the head? So you had a girl, so what? A penis doesn't your dreams make, mother. Couldn't you have just dealt with it and moved on? Had a relationship with your only kid?"

I was visibly getting upset now, but it still didn't faze her.

"Jessica, I tried. When you were a baby, I tried. But it never took. I never even wanted you around. I didn't want to breast feed you, hold you, anything. They said it was some sort of depression with childbirth or something, I don't know. You were your dad's daughter, then you took your dad away from me, too. It is too late now to try again."

She was still looking out the window, saying all this with absolute resignation. I realized that I had hoped to get some sort of make-shift connection going with my mother from this visit. Maybe not all heartfelt and emotional, but something. Some sort of communication and a link to my family. But now it hit home that it would never be. I was cut off from any family ties forever. We would be nothing more than acquaintances, and that would only be through Dick.

The pain was almost unbearable.

"If that's how you feel," I heard myself say with a calm voice. My head was dazed.

She nodded once and continued to look out the window.

We sat in silence until the boys came back a minute later, William looking happy and at ease until he saw me. I wasn't crying or showing any outward emotion, but he see through any facade I put on. His smile slipped, then was replaced by a similar, blank facade.

Dick looked at my mother and his brow furrowed momentarily, then he looked at me and smiled. "Jessica, it has been so good to see you! Wait..." He dug around in his pocket for his wallet, then removed a white business card. Handing it to me he said, "You don't talk to this house enough."

He grew serious, and I knew that he knew I would never be calling my mother again.

"Our phone number is on that, as well as my direct line and my email. You call me and give me life updates, you hear? I want life updates all the time. And I want to help with the wedding!"

He was being absolutely pushy about this, and I was grateful for it. He might not be my real dad, but he was trying to be something of a parent for my sake. Ted had always been my older brother in action, so maybe I did have a little family.

On one hand it made the sting of my mother's behavior sharper, but on the other hand it made me feel better that it wasn't just me.

Still, this sucked. I wanted to be gone.

I hugged him and told him I would. I said good-bye to my mother, and I left the house with William following me. On the way back to the hotel I was lost in myself. I vaguely remember telling William that my mother suffered postpartum depression with me and basically never recovered, but I was lost in the turmoil that comes with the knowledge that your parent didn't want you. It wasn't just that she was awful and we didn't get along. Or even that she was mad because my dad and I had a special bond. She just simply never wanted me. She had an affliction, and she never worked through it. Not for my sake or her own.

I was desperately glad William had proposed before this meeting, because it certainly would’ve given me a complex about no one wanting me if he hadn't already given me his life and asked for mine in return.

Thank God for William.

I think I said that out loud, because he looked at me with such tender devotion that tears immediately sprang to my eyes.